When Worlds Collide
by AngelicDragonPuppy
Summary: Alright... Everybody wants to get the Sacred Stone, including Vaati and Dingledorf, Ganon's retarded brother. This leaves Lyon in a bit of trouble, and when fangirls, Sora, and others get involved...Well, let's just say it's gonna be fun! Written wNumdenu
1. Flisk the Wannabe Pimp

-Somewhere in Renais-Flisk grinned up at his two burly captors. "Aww, come on… just because I tried to kill and rob you doesn't mean we can't be FRIENDS!" The two lizard-like guards hissed in vexation and frog-marched him through the waiting transportation portal, ignoring him. Flisk tried again. "Yo, look, guys, come on, the way I turned into a dragon and snapped at your heads? That was just a joke! Ignore what I said before! Ha, really, just a misunderstanding!" The portal opened out into a gloomy-looking corridor. "Hey, if you hadn't, like, been in my personal space, this all could've been avoided." Flisk looked forward and saw a girl seated on a throne at the end of the hall. She had long white hair, and was wearing pure black. She was frowning at a book she had open on her lap. Flisk thought she looked pretty hot, until he saw the skulls scattered around on the floor. He tried to look intimidating and spoke to the dark blue reptilian creatures again. "Hey, if you don't let me go NOW, I'm gonna have to bring down some serious whoopin' on you all." They dragged him forward. He loudly whispered "Your girlfriends are ugly cold-blooded tortoises!" before they tossed him to the ground before the throne. He tried to get up, but one of the lizards pushed him down again. The girl looked away from her book, saw Flisk, and shut it with an ominous snap. She regarded him as if though he was something unpleasant she'd just stepped in. "Hmph. Fool. You attacked my servants, and for that, the penalty is death." He grinned casually, and flipped his ponytail back over his shoulder with a wave of his head. "Put on your sweaters, it's COLD in here! Come on, baby, you know you want me." She didn't even look at him, but spoke to her guards instead. "Take him to the dungeons. Feed him to the deep basilisk." "Yesss, Milady." The monsters grabbed Flisk and started to haul him off, but then the girl raised her hand. "Wait. You, boy. Are you a thief?"He rolled his eyes. "Only da best EVA! They've heard of me in all fifty states-err, I mean, five countries." "Hm. I've changed my mind. I've a task for you, shifter. Accomplish it, and you win your freedom. Fail, and you'll wish I'd fed you to the basilisk. Have you heard of something called the Sacred Stone?" "Well, duh. Everyone knows about that!" "The fools in power are using it to aid humans. You will fetch me the Stone. If anyone interferes, kill them." She turned back to her book. The guards dragged him back to the portal and threw him out as he called out cheerfully "Hey, lady, you're settin' me on fire! Whadya say we have a nice dinner,maybe have a friendly little chat about world domination…"-Meanwhile, in Minish Woods-A certain evil, radically cute minish sorcerer was plotting new ways to take over the world and free the minish from human slavery, which was basically what they were. He sat up suddenly, his violet hair glinting in the fading sunlight. "I've got it!" He crowed. "If I can get my hands on a Sacred Stone, I shall become like a GOD! Mwhahahaha!" And thus saying so, Vaati set out for Grado via warp portal.-Meanwhile, in a world between Kingdom Hearts and Weyard-Mia stood up and thumped the table to get the chattering fangirl's attention. "Hello everyone! This meeting of the Lyon Glomper's club is dedicated to a very special topic! I have heard rumors that our idol has been forced to marry some blue-haired dolt of a wench! So naturally, we must go rescue him!!" Tifa screamed and waved her Lyon plushie in excitement, and the horde of females marched through a transportation portal to-you guessed it-Grado.-Somewhere-Vaati grumbled as he trudged onwards over the strange new landscape. "Once I get my hands on that rock, I'll make that tight-wearing little brat and his fowl hat pay for what they did to-"He hadn't been paying attention to where he was going, and had walked into something furry. He glared upwards at a pale gray fox. "Hmph. Get out of my way, fox, before I turn you to stone-and not Sacred Stone, either, hahaha."-Grado-

Flisk peeked around a corner of the castle. He was currently in the form of a fly, perfect for a sneaky mission like this, when a small transportation portal opened up next to his face. The face of the girl who was his employer glared at him. "I have realized something. I do not know the full extent of the Stone's power, so it may prove difficult to destroy. So I want you to bring me back whoever is in possession of it." With a crackle of energy, she faded away. Flisk shrugged and crawled into the courtyard in the middle of the castle-and froze. It was spring, and the cherry trees were in bloom. Small birds flew over water fountains in the shape of angels. It was very beautiful, but what really took his breath away was the sight of two people playing chess. One looked about eighteen, and had lilac hair. But sitting across from him was the real beauty.She had blue, braided hair, with a small black one off to the side. She was gorgeous! Flisk swooned and nearly fell off the wall, despite his many clawed fly feet. He quickly flew towards the two, spotting a glowing blue orb floating near the boy, who was moving a rook. "Checkmate. But you did very well, Riane." He said, gently. He looked around suddenly, eyes narrowing, as Flisk buzzed closer. Something was wrong. "Riane, go inside the cas-" At that moment, however, Flisk shifted out of fly form and into human form, leaping at the Sacred Stone and knocking over Lyon in the process. "Gotcha!" He cried triumphantly as his fingers closed around it. He whipped around. "And you, my purple-haired prince, are comin' with-whoa! You're even hotter up close! Whadya say after I kidnap your dad that we go on a nice, romantic date?" He drooled, grinning broadly, completely oblivious to the fact that Lyon was preparing to cast a spell. Flisk jumped forward, sprawling over the chess table, and grabbed Riane's hand, which he smooched.-Meanwhile, in Hyrule-"NOOO! NOT MR.FLUFFY!!" Dingledorf howled as his brother Ganon grabbed his pet bunny. "You're ruining my image, you imbecile! No rabbits! None! Bad guys do NOT have fluffy pets!" "But…but…Oh, I said butt. Haha!" Dingledorf smiled happily and picked his nose. Then he frowned. He loved Mr.Fluffy!! So as soon as his brother left, the angry, pink-wearing, green-skinned Gerudo stomped through a transportation panel towards somewhere he would be allowed to enjoy fluffy animals.-The Demon Realm-Lyon.Lyon.Lyon.Sindriss, the Demon King's pet dragon, cringed as his master's tail lashed about overhead. It was really scary when Fomortiis was in these male-demonic-PMS-like moods. They seemed to happen a lot, ever since he'd been defeated by, uh…Lyon.Lyon.Yah, that guy. It was really all the demon could think about. His hateful thoughts were so powerful the dragon could hear them. Sindriss wondered if he could stay with one of the demon's underlings until this angsty Fomortiis went back to normal. Lyon.Ly-"Milord!" A small, red, shriveled excuse for a demon called nervously from the doorway. The Demon King's horned head whipped towards the noise. "Milord… a portal has recently appeared to the human world… to the continent you wish to rule, Milord." A slow smile spread over Fomortiis' face. Sindriss hid his head under his paws, cowering before his owner's cruel grin. Lyon…I'm coming, Lyon.Once the Demon King had left, Sindriss let out a sigh of relief and jumped up on the couch with a bag of chips. He flipped the T.V. to American Idol, than set it on fire when he realized Sanjaya still wasn't in the bottom three. Stupid human fangirl voters with cell phones.-Grado-"EEEEEEEEUGH!" Riane recoiled in disgust and slapped Flisk. "What is WRONG with you, you walking snot rag?! The Sacred Stone's gonna lose its power when you LOOK at it!" She started flaring out with insult upon insult, finishing with a swift grab, snatching away the stone. "...And finally, GIVE THAT BACK!""Ah, even her insults are beauti-YEEEOWCH!" A blast of magic from Lyon sent Flisk flying. He cartwheeled into a nearby tree, bashing his head against it as he landed upside-down. "Oooh, touchy father, ay...?" He said groggily as he blacked out."Who...who the HELL was that?" Riane asked, momentarily forgetting both her status and who was in the vicinity. "...Well, what should we do with him?"Lyon winced at his daughter' language, then answered her question after making sure she was unharmed. "I don't know who he is, but he appears to be a shifter..." He bent over the motionless, grinning, brown-haired boy on the ground. "I suppose we can lock him in one of the guest rooms until he recovers, then question him. I hit him with stronger magic then I'd originally intended too, after I saw him jump at you. We'll probably need a healer..." One of Flisk's eyes flickered open, and rolled around until it saw Riane. "Oh, baby, one kiss from you would make it all better... you might have to take off my clothes to heal my horrible wound, ya know, heehee..." and then fainted again as Lyon called some guards to carry him. Riane practically threw up. "No way am I gonna question him! Why not the dungeon?" "I... didn't say that you would be the one to have to question him... And don't worry, I wouldn't leave you alone within ten yards of him, Riane... or any other girl, for that matter. Yes, I suppose the dungeons would be better... although I don't like using them. I guess you got your mother's fighting spirit, ay?" Lyon rubbed his head and smiled at his daughter. The guards hauled Flisk away. He looked pretty awesome, what with his tongue hanging out and his eyes rolling around. It certainly made Nicole, watching from a nearby viewing portal, laugh... until she realized her spy slash kidnapper slash thief was out of commission. "Frix!" She swore in the Drake language. "NOW I need to hire someone else! Frix!!" She blew a raspberry at the violet-haired prince. Little did Nicole realize that her wishes for henchmen were about to be granted...Enter Vaati and Soren.-Meanwhile-Dingledorf was walking in a woods, thinking about barbies, when he saw a small, purple-cloaked kid with a funny hat talking to a fox. AND THEN HE SAW IT. The violet-haired guys hair... was sparkly... so shiny... so soft-looking... Dingledorf squealed delightedly and charged towards the unfortunate wizard.Vaati was about to yell at the fox again when a huge green man tackled him. "WHAT THE PICORI?!" Vaati hollered as the Gerudo screamed in a high-pitched girly voice and rubbed the minish's hair. "Goddessesdamn, what are you doing?!" The sorcerer tried to pull away while raising himself up to his full intimidating height of 4'7. "I am the great sorcerer Vaa-AHHHH!!" "OMG, I'm gonna put you with da other pretty-haired girl I caughted, yes I is!!""I'm not a girl! I'M GONNA KILL YOU!!" Vaati angsted as Dingle skipped merrily towards home.-In teh Gerudo Desert-

The disgruntled, purple-cloaked wizard was chucked in a room full of brushes, combs, shampoo, and other hair-related items. Another ticked looking mage, wearing all black, sat across from him. The two prisoners scowled at each other. The emo-looking one appeared to be about Vaati's age of 15, and had long black hair pulled into a ponytail."Who are you?""...Soren.""I'm Vaati. Since we might be here for a while, I'll allow you to kiss my feet now, and we can skip the formalities. You may address me as master, and-""Your hat looks stupid.""WHAT?! This from the guy wearing a dress!""Robes…" Soren growled warningly."DRESS!!"Dingledorf beamed at his two beautiful female guests. They were sooo cute together! They were playing with each other! How nice!...Really, Vaati and Soren were trying to strangle each other... Oh well.-Somewhere-Sora was...lost. There really wasn't any other term for it. He tried to get his bearings by looking at his surroundings, but it was just no good.Lost.Alone.Missing his friends.And...bored.A sigh. Despite all that, he was sure the day would get worse.A random, screaming heartless fangirl ran over and lovingly attempted to kill her idol. He quickly executed a Dodge Roll, sending the fangirl crashing face-first into a large black rock. Black rocks. Was that normal in this area? Then again, how should he know? With a slight shudder, he pressed onward.Meanwhile...Donald laughed insanely, and said in his queer, ducky accent "I'm sick of not being the hero! It's time to die, Sora!!"Goofy turned to look at him and said "Gawrsh, I think there's a lot of bottled up emotion inside ya, Donald!" The duck flicked his tail feathers at him. "Aw, shaddup, and help me find the stupid protagonist."Poor Sora. Completely unaware of the plotting duck, he happened to bowl down a hill and right over Donald. And he kept rolling.

-Bottom of da Hill-"Namine, I love you more!"(No, she's mine!)(You're both wrong!)Roxas was just about to duke it out with the two black rocks that had challenged his boyfriend rights when a Sora-shaped mass descended down the hill, complete with ticked duck and confused Goofy.


	2. The Animate Shampoo Bottle of DOOM

-Grado-Riane sighed. "AGAIN about my mother?!" She clammed up immediately after realizing what she had just said. "...Sorry..."

"It's alright." Lyon said softly. A small cupid shaped like Eirika, visible only in his mind, appeared in a thought bubble above his head and slapped him. "THROW THE UNGRATEFUL WENCH IN BED!!!" Thought bubble Lyon ran and hid his head in a corner and screamed "NOES!!" The thought bubble popped, and Lyon realized that after the interrogation, he needed some sleep. Badly. And snuggle time with Eirika.-Grado, teh Dungeon-"I confess! I confess! I did it in the kitchen with the spork!" a disconsolate Flisk howled and slammed his fists against the walls of his prison. Lyon stared rather bemusedly at the boy. He had no clue what to do with him. True, he needed to find out what the kid was up to, but he certainly wasn't going to torture anyone just to get answers! Maybe Riane could think of some way to-"Ahhhhhh! I see the light at the end of the tunnel! It's all over for me, saps! If only a certain beautiful daughter of my evil tormentor would come and set me free..." Flisk started singing."IF ONLY, if only, the woodpecker sighs,the bark on the tree was as soft as the sky-""Permission to throw something at the prisoner, sir?" A guard asked, gritting his teeth at the horrible noise.-Gerudo Desert-One shampoo bottle was different than the rest. Normally this wouldn't be a problem, were it not for how it was different: it was animate. And this sadistic shampoo bottle was bubbling over with happiness at seeing the two pretty boys strangle each other.Nicole stared in rapt fascination at the shampoo bottle. She had been considering hiring these two nincompoops to help her, but the bottle seemed to be the smartest of the lot. Realizing the wizards were of no use, Nicole then left for home.-Somewhere-Nicole skulked angrily. Nothing was going right. What was an evil overlord to do? She sighed and prepared to sink into her throne for another night of reading 'How to Rule the World' manuals when she sensed a presence in the room. The candles she so enjoyed sputtered and went out. She whipped around in the darkness, turning slightly dragonish in her alarm. Two red orbs appeared. They glinted with cruel laughter."I hear you want to obtain the Sacred Stone, girl..."Whatever was talking was just as strong as she was. She bared her teeth."Who's asking?""My name is Fomortiis. I want to help you...""Really. And in return, what do you get?"White fangs gleamed into existence in front of her, smiling wickedly."When you are through with him... Lyon is mine."-Grado-"Dad? Mom's worried about why you're taking so long." Riane gracefully--out of habit, of course--descended the dungeon steps. "Oh. Him." "Hey. Psst. I can... make transportation portals. I could take you, to... anywhere you want to go!! ...Like my bedroom... nudge nudge wink wink... But you gotta let me outta here!" Flisk said frantically to the descending Riane.Lyon frowned. "Stop talking to my daughter like that." Flisk stuck his nose in the air. "Why? Make me, pretty boy!" A thought popped into Lyon's mind, and he smiled slightly and whispered an incantation. Flisk fell down, rolling on the ground, laughing. "Noooes! IT TICKLES!! STOP!! I'LL TELL YOU EVERYTHING, YOU WICKED MEANIE!!""Alright, then. Who hired you, and why?""SOME CRAZY HAWT LADY, I DUNNO HER NAAAME!""Why?""TO BUY ROCK CANDY!! HOLY ROCK CANDY!!""...The Sacred Stone?""SURE!! AND SHE WANTED ME TO KIDNAP YOU, FOO!""Why did she want to kidnap me?""TO TALK TO ABOUT THE ROCK CANDY!!!"Lyon waved his hand, and the giggling wanna-be-pimp stopped cackling. -Gerudo Desert-If the shampoo bottle had a voice, it would be laughing maniacally. Instead, it continued to bubble over as the "nincompoops" began slinging spells."Hey gu-rls, I got you a friend!" Dingledorf walked in happily and addressed the two mages. Vaati was sitting in a bowl of soapy water to extinguish the fire Soren had started on his pants, and Soren was sporting clown makeup. The fight had been pretty nasty, all right. Dingledorf opened the door and pushed in a girl with purple hair, and the sight of her made both the mages scream. Lute looked calmly at her unfortunate victims. "Who wants to play drink the potion I created? Artur's out on some religious journey for a week, and I'm bored. I want to test the effects of love potions on idiotic males.""Have mercy!!" Vaati moaned."...We're screwed." Soren said, closing his eyes in resignation. The shampoo bottle blew bubbles at the two and bubbled in excitement. This was going to be fun!! Then, however, Vaati threw the bottle at Lute in self-defense, and it burst open. A drunken-looking fairy named Navi fell out. "Hey! Hey! Listen! I'm a genie in a shampoo bottle, baby Come, come, come and let me out...-hic.-"

-Somewhere-Shadowy creatures cackled all around, menacing, though one broke off into a coughing fit. All the others paused to stare at it, ruining the effect.-Da Hill-"R-Roxas?! Since when were you in here?!" Sora asked before bashing his head on a decrepit skeleton lying on the ground. "Owww!"

At that moment, the horde of fangirls who were supposed to be going to Grado bumbled in.

"SQUEEE!! It's SORA!!"

-Grado-"Errr..." Riane was speechless, and looking particularly disturbed by Flisk's actions. "No...comment..."

"If I told you I was truly a sad and lonely person, would you like meee?"

Flisk asked hopefully.

Lyon shook his head. He'd figure out what to do with the shifter in the morning. He needed sleep... The last few days, remnants of his old, vivid nightmares about Fomortiis had reappeared and kept him from resting. He tiredly climbed the stairs, bidding Riane goodnight, stumbled to his room, and collapsed on the bed, to sleepy to even change into one of his sleeping tunics. He wondered dimly if Eirika would be here soon... She'd been out in the city today. Riane had said she was looking for him, so she must have returned. Perhaps she'd gone to get some food from the kitchens... Lyon yawned and rolled over... and right into a pair of luminous yellow eyes.

Sindriss blinked.

"I am Sindrisss! I am the Taker of Life! I am the-"

Sindriss crossed his four scaly limbs.

"Dragon who reeeally has to go potty."

"Is this the one?"

A girl with white tresses, sitting cross-legged in an armchair near the foot of the bed, asked without any real interest. Lyon sat up, and saw the black, shadowy form roiling in the air next to her.

"Hello... Lyon." Fomortiis hissed.

-Gerudo-

The shampoo bottle's bubbles became drips. That hurt, dammit! Why, if it had limbs, it would strangle Vaati! But all it could do is hope the Drunken Navi Clone #1337 could handle it.

Lute menacingly waved a pink, heart-shaped bottle in the air.

"Who wants it?"

The 1337 drunken Navi giggled and flew up Soren's nose, which resulted in a very akward moment. Then Dingle walked in. "Oooh... bubbles." Drip drip. Why, oh why did they all ignore its pain? Because it was naught but a shampoo bottle? Perhaps its close buddy, the Animate Love Potion, would understand. It bubbled out a desperate cry to its friend. The animate love potion frothed a reply and whacked Vaati on the head until he grudgingly 'healed' the shampoo bottle. Soren made a break for the open door. Lute grabbed him by his leg, tripping him. "Oh no you don't, experiment."

-Somewhere-

"Oh no..." Sora winced as the glob of people was added to by the horde of squealing girls, then marveled for a moment at how the heck they were still moving. "WERE ON A ROLLER COASTER, THAT'S WHY!!"

Screamed someone, and then they came to the loop-de-loop...

Fomortiis' scattered minions cackled again, this time a Gwilligi quickly silencing the Maleduin who had fallen over coughing last time. The effect was not ruined. Jigglypuff and Kirby, new recruits for the army, had a make-out scene in the background.

"But that doesn't make any sense!" Sora screamed, clinging to the cart with one hand and grabbing whatever else he could with the other--which just so happened to be Roxas' sleeve. "Nonsense! It makes all the sense in the world!" said the mad rabbit from Alice in Wonderland, before drinking some tea and falling over backwards in his seat.

Roxas gave Sora a funny look.

"Paws off the awesomness, scrumper."

He snatched his arm away, which sadly knocked Donald overboard.

"QUUUUUUUACK!!"

"Holy..." Poor Sora cut himself off before he could comment on the overboard duck. "This is getting weirder by the second," he said, ducking and sending a flailing Mia overboard. "Oops..." Sora's situation was only about to get worse, because just then, Alex, working in tandem with the demon's nasties, pressed 'The Button.'

Dunt dunt dunttttt:O

-Hyrule-

The shampoo bottle bubbled its thanks before continuing to watch, amused. Then it realized something.Lute was going to actually make them drink the potion.Its friend was to be CONSUMED.With a squeak, it summoned 1336 other Drunken Navi Clones, commanding them to rescue the love potion from Lute's clutches! The drunken Navi clones of Impending Doom swarmed the prodigy, allowing Soren and Vaati to escape. Dingle, meanwhile, squealed happily at all the whirly lights that were the fairies, and stuffed some down his pants to see if they would make him float in the air.

The two mages ran as far as they could, then fell, panting. Vaati conjured up a wind to cool him off, and on that wind, he heard the sounds of approaching chaos, which sounded like this-

"Mama mia, Luigi! That stupid broada got herself a kidnapped againa!"

"Foood!"

"You're like the Shaggy from a Scooby-dooie-a! Alla you do a is eatta and run like a chicken!"

"Foood!"

-Somewhere-The puffballs received glares from all other monsters present. Now if that didn't ruin the effect, nothing would. A gargoyle farted.The army couldn't take it anymore, and about half the monsters exploded from the sheer mental agony. Fomortiis was sooo going to kill them.

A Gorgon hissed. "Anyone else want to wreck this scene?""Mmmph?" The Dracozombie accompanying them looked up from chewing on Riane's blue braid. Hey wait...

Sora winced. "Well...at least I'm not being held captive by some demonic force or something whack."Actually, 'The Button' released a demonic force that WOULD attempt to hold Sora captive.It was fluffy.Pink.Bunny shaped.And horribly evil.


	3. Demon's Return and Sora's Plight

-Hyrule-

Rolling after the two mages was the shampoo bottle. Surely it deserved some thanks!

Vaati stared at the shampoo bottle. He had to confess his true feelings to someone. He turned to Soren and whispered.

"I think that shampoo bottle is sexy."

"...Queer."

Two plump plumbers appeared on the crest of the hill.

But the Drunken Navi clones were one step ahead, already whirring around the plumbers, screeching, "Hey! Listen! -hic- Legend of Zelda's better!"

"Mama mia!" Mario mia'd and called up a yoshi as his trusty war steed. However, being a 500 pound fatso, the poor dinosaur was squished beneath his weight. Meanwhile, Lute decided to take over Hyrule. Why? Because she was bored, and Dingle had ran off after Vaati and Soren screaming "I WUVS MY TWO GURLS!!" While this was going on, Ganon opened the door of his house to get the mail, and was greeted by an old, wrinkly man with a big nose and red hair, much like Ganon.

Riev looked up.

"I AM YOUR FATHER!!"

"NOOOOOO!!"

"Let's take over the world! It'll be good father-son bonding time!"

Ganon sniffed. "Okay, daddy."

But Hyrule was already in Lute's iron grip. Alas, alack, but it could have been worse.The shampoo bottle bubbled over as if chuckling darkly at seeing the fools Mario and Luigi were making of themselves. Luigi ate one of the Navi clones, which turned him into a donkey. Vaati attempted to feel up the shampoo bottle while Soren shook his head in disgust.

-Somewhere-

A sigh. "Well, it's not working for some other ancient, ugly-ass demon with a thing for possessing people."Poor, poor Sora. He shouldn't say such things.

...Because saying such things made the bunnydemon, who was a fangirl of Fomortiis', go into a freaky, PMS-like rage.

"Raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaabbit!!"

Screamed the bunnydemon, and bounced after the roller coaster like... a bunny.

"Oh for the love of..." The poor Keybearer clung tightly to the roller coaster as it veered around loops and bends. "Leave me alone, you...bunny...rabbit...THING!" Suddenly, the bunny rabbit thing screeched as it fell over a cliff. Yes, a cliff. And then, everyone realized the roller coaster was floating almost ten thousand feet over Grado... and then the coaster started to plummet.

-Grado-

Fomortiis leered at the tired mage sprawled on the bed.

"Answer the girl's questions, runt, and maybe I'll kill you quickly."

"I'll tell you nothing, demon."

"Heh... brave words. But you'll tell me everything long before you die."

While this friendly conversation was going on, Sindriss looked around desperately for a bathroom. Realizing there wasn't one, he moaned and looked for Doritos instead, while pretending to look for the Sacred Stone. That wasn't successful, either, and he accidentally stumbled into articles of Eirika's clothing that would leave him with nightmares about human anatomy for the next decade or so. He scratched at a funny protrusion, and a small drawer popped open. Inside he saw something blue and shiny. He tried to eat it, but it tasted bad. He glared at it. It wasn't a jellybean... so what WAS it?!

The Demon King took on a more solid form and rested a clawed hand on the bed, itching with anticipation.

"Answer meee..." Nicole whined, not used to being ignored. "Is this the prince who knows about the Stone?"

"Yes." Fomortiis whispered, his eyes not leaving Lyon's.

"But he's not the one we're kidnapping. Oh, no. I want to make him suffer... So we'll be taking his wife and two children. You're too tired to stop me, boy. I kept you awake for a reason. I know of your new powers, and couldn't risk you fighting me at full power... So now, you can live... and Dracanians live forever... knowing that every torment I put you through, and everything you had nightmares about... I will put them through twice over."

"NEVER!" Lyon roared, transformed into a dragon, and lunged at the demon.

-In the Dungeon-

Leon stared wide-eyed at Flisk. Leon was Eirika's and Lyon's other child. He was ten, and absolutely adored his older sister. While she took after her mother, he was more like his father. He looked almost exactly like him, except that his hair was the unique shade that couldn't quite be called violet but wasn't really blue, either. Besides that, he was nearly identical to Lyon-gentle and loving by nature, highly intelligent, shy, hair that everyone wanted, book in hand, and an awkward crush on his best friend's sister. He was somewhat scared of the deranged prisoner.

"Look, you can't find your parents, so you can't tell them Riane's missing, riiight? So just let me out, come on! The guards all went off, and your dad was gonna let me go anyway! I'M A GOOD PERSON, LET ME OUUUT!!"

"I-I don't think I should…"

"Puh-leaz! Who knows what might be happening to your sister? I'm WORRIED ABOUT HEEER!!"

Leon's emotions waged a silent war with his logic, and his emotions won. With a worried expression on his face, he unlocked the cell.

-Ten minutes later-

Knoll, currently in the form of a wolf, raced towards his cousin's bedroom. Eirika hurtled past him, eyes wide with fright. The two ran into the room, and let out cries of despair. Blood was everywhere, black and red mixing sluggishly. For every drop of red blood, there were almost three times as many splashes of demon blood. Lyon, in the form of a sinuous, white wyrm with a violet mane and no wings, lay crumpled against the wall. He was wounded... not badly enough to kill him, but enough so that it would take a few weeks for him to be back to normal health. Eirika ran to him as he melted back into a human form, kneeling down and holding him close. Knoll ran towards the small, secret compartment where the Stone was kept, planning to heal Lyon, and spat angrily when he saw it was already opened. "The dragon… must have…" Lyon started to get up, and Eirika tried anxiously to hold him down. "I-I have to get it back…" Seeing his cousin's reluctance to lie still and rest, Knoll started an incantation. Lyon recognized the words. "Knoll… K-Knoll… please… d-don't…" Knoll gently put a reassuring hand on his shoulder and finished the spell. Lyon's eyes flickered, and his breathing calmed. Eirika stroked his face and softly whispered words of love to him, and he fell into a deep and peaceful sleep. Knoll carefully picked him up and set him on the bed, then ran to get healers while Eirika removed Lyon's torn shirt, tore up a clean sheet, and wrapped the crude bandages around his wounds.

-Somewhere-

Nicole screamed and threw a banana at the stupid demon, who was covered head to toe in Peter Pan band-aids his worshipful gorgons had put on him. Only his eyes were visible. The mage had hurt him much more then the demon had him. "I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU GOT WHUPPED BY LYON, EVEN WHEN HE WAS HALF ASLEEP!!" Nicole shrieked. Fomortiis cringed and looked around fearfully. "Don't say the name!!" He groaned. Nicole's grandma cackled. "That's what you get, for trying to abduct poor innocents!" The half-senile old lady was Nicole's only remaining family member, and she was still a kind Dracanian… if a demented one. She was skilled at using her cane as a weapon, after years of using it to drive off infatuated old men. The Demon King's eyes widened, suddenly. "I HAVE SEEN THE LIGHT!!" He hollered to the ceiling. "I AM A CHANGED DEMON!! No more will I hurt people! I want to help old ladies across the street, and volunteer at soup kitchens, and play nicely with Lyon's kids!!" The gorgons cried as they saw the lump on their leader's head. Fomortiis started singing about world peace and baby duckies. "I'm glad to hear it, young man!" laughed Granny, bashing Moulder across the skull as he tried to touch her butt. She warmly hugged the demon, and they took hands and started singing 'Ring Around the Rosie.'

Five minutes later, a ticked Fomortiis came back to his senses and ranted about how he would "Kill that goddam brown-nosing wussie of a prince! I'LL BURN HIM ALIVE!! AND THEN I'LL CHOP UP THE ASHES!! AND THEN I'LL DROWN THE ASHES!! AND THEN, I'LL THROTTLE THE ASH-" Granny cracked him over the head with her staff, and he slunk off to his room, taking several of his sexier gorgon fangirls with him. Nicole jumped up and down angrily. "WE DIDN'T EVEN GET THE STUPID STONE!!"

Sindriss, curled up in a corner, happily chewed on the jellybean that was not a jellybean. With an effort, he suppressed the urge to hiss and call it 'his preciousss.' "Yeah, yeah, complain to someone who cares," Riane "answered" Nicole, filing her nails nonchalantly. "Can I go now?"

"Nope. It's a good thing Fomortiis is too stupid to recognize you. But no, you cannot. I'm so LONELY with only idiots for company!"

Nicole sobbed and blew into her hanky. "Besides, I have a new theory. Every time someone says your father's name, I think demon-boy goes hippie. Let's see, hmm? LYON!!" From down the hallway came a retarded giggling noise. "I want to help the starving children!" bawled Fomortiis.


	4. Ephraim Needs Health Class

-Grado, teh ground-

"Nuuuz!!" screamed Eirika. "My daughter and the Sacred Stone are missing, the prisoner escaped, I want to take a bath, and my husband-""Quack!" quacked duckie Lyon as he waddled past Eirika. "IS A DUCK!!" The doctor held up his hands to fend her off. "Don't worry, m'am, it's just because he got a good knock on the head. He'll be back to normal in a few days." With a resigned sigh, Eirika transformed into a duck herself. Lyon's webbed feet waddled towards her. Suddenly, a large, screaming duck named Donald plummeted from the heavens and crashed into the ground. Lyon duckie stomped in front of Eirika and hissed. She was HIS female duck! Then, however, everyone noticed a roller coaster shaped object and a large pink rabbit falling towards them.

With a loud screeching crash-y sound, the roller coaster hurled itself against the wall of the castle, ungracefully depositing its spiky-haired captive before coming to a rest. Sora lay sprawled out on the floor, face down. Goofy gracefully flew out and smacked against the wall, leaving a nice dog-shaped imprint. Eirika duck waddled over and screamed angrily at the boy who had smacked into her house. "QUACKQUUUACKQuAcK!!" Lyon duck rubbed up against Eirika duck and asked if she wanted some birdseed.

-Somewhere-

Riane couldn't help but cackle a little. "Oh, that's just too good. Hahaha!" She got a hold of herself before she fell over. "Oh...my..." Nicole had a mental breakdown in the background while the Demon King skipped past, whistling about pink ponies and how Lyon was his friend and wanting to start fundraisers for sick people. Little red hearts popped into existence around him.

And Riane cackled like a hyena. "Gyahahaha! Oh my...they're such...IDIOTS!!!"

"Uh... how did you get here again?" Nicole asked blankly. Meanwhile, Sindriss had finally decided that the blue sphere was a GOBSTOPPER!!

-Grado-

"Unnnngh..." Groggily, he looked up at the Eirika duck. "...Have I gone crazy yet?"

Eirika duck's only response was to bite his nose. Lyon duck flapped his wings in protest. THAT KID WAS TOOO CLOSE TO EIRIKA-SAN'S LIPS!!

The 5-pound Lyon piledrived Sora in the stomach. "GYAAAAAA!" Poor Sora rolled over, clutching his gut in pain. "OWWWWWW!" Lyon honked in triumph, then purred. Wait... purred? "Oh no you didn't!" Eirika squawked as Lyon decided he was a cat. She turned back into a human and 'lovingly' slapped her husband, which made him believe he was a moose. Then the angry fangirl mob saw the evil blue-haired lady beating up their idol... and things only got worse when Ephraim blundered in and accused Sora of trying to make out with his sister. "Wha? Who?" Sora deliriously moaned from the floor. "Who's your sister?"

Ephraim screamed and ranted... and then realized it wasn't the boy's fault. HIS SISTER WAS A TRAMP!! ...Well, a tramp to one person... He whipped around and pointed his lance at Lyon, who was still a moose. "YOU MADE MY SISTER INTO A ONE-PERSON SLUT!!" Angsted Ephraim. At that moment, Lyon suddenly came back to his senses and made moose noises which translated to-'Why am I a moose?'

-Hyrule-

The shampoo bottle bubbled madly, until it slowed to a pleasant gurgle when it noticed Vaati. "What do you say, me and you go out for dinner tonight? Maybe after, we could take a bath..." Vaati purred. Soren screamed at his idiotic companion's stupidity. Mario decided that Luigi made a better steed then a yoshi, so he climbed on and went to find his stupid wench of a princess. Meanwhile, Lute came up with the best idea she'd had for a looong time. What better way to amuse herself then to feed Zelda a potion that would make her fall in love with Ganon? Hyrule was screwed, but enough of that already.The shampoo bottle bubbled lovingly over on Vaati. Of course, it would love a bath! The animate love potion floated over and reminded the shampoo that this was the idiot who had hurt the shampoo in the first place. That shattered the romantic scene. A bit of a bubble of embarrassment. Oops. "Don't let the past come between us now, baby!" Vaati whined. He NEEDED the shampoo bottle's love!

Soren decided to head to Grado. Why? Because Vaati isn't there!! Dingle suddenly saw his two missing captives and squealed in delight.

Ganon, meanwhile, was laughing insanely with his father when a certain blonde princess ran into the room. "GANON!! I NEEEED YOU LIKE I NEED AIR!!" screamed Zelda, her eyes replaced with hearts.

"WTF?!" Ganon yelped. Lute smiled and headed after her other two missing test subjects...

-Somewhere-

"Eh, some DracoZombie was chewing on my hair," Riane replied, nonchalantly, before noticing Sindriss. "Hey! What are you doing with that, rat thing?!"

Nicole decided the girl had fallen through a portal. She liked to make up her own answers to the unanswered. The demon dragon hissed. "My candy! MINE!!" An angry screech came from the hallway. Apparently someone had said Lyon, and thus made Fomortiis go through another personality change. "I'LL KILL HIM! I'LL-" An ominous silence fell. "WHY IS MY TV TOASTED?! SINDRIIIIIIISS!!!" Sindriss opted to hide behind Riane, an interesting choice, considering he was about ten feet taller than her.

"What the--?! No! Not behind me, dipstick!" Riane frantically tried to shoo away Sindriss. "Go! Go away, fuckwit!" Being a several thousand pound dragon, however, he would not be shooed. Sindriss moaned and put his claws over his eyes... like the infamous ostrich, he was a firm believer that whatever he could not see could not see him. Fomortiis stormed into the room. "YOU-ARE-SO-MINCEMEAT!!" he roared at his unfortunate pet.

Riane stood there, hoping not to be noticed by the towering demon. Fomortiis completely ignored her, and lunged at Sindriss. The drake squawked and bolted, but being a retard, he smacked into the door instead of opening it. Unfortunately, with that problem out of the way, the Demon King DID notice Riane. His eyes slid over the dark strand in her hair, and then narrowed in dawning comprehension. "Errr...h-hi. I'll be, uh, leaving now!" she yelped, beginning to scurry away. The demon lunged in front of her. "No... I don't think so." He hissed wickedly. "You're Lyon's brat... Wait, did I just say-Raaa!" He screamed, and then smiled stupidly. "Hello! Are you lost? I love kids! Want me to help get you home?" Sindriss went into laughing spasms, which resulted in him dropping the Sacred Stone, which rolled towards Riane. A gorgon wailed at her master's retarded state and ran... err... slithered off to get a psychologist.

-Grado-

"But...isn't a one-person slut someone who's completely faithful to their partner?" Sora reasoned from the floor. Ephraim ignored him and howled "Give my sister back her virginity!!" Which sounded so damn funny that Knoll laughed, although he tried to hide it with a cough. It ruined his emo appearance. Lyon turned back into human form. "I... uh... erm... Look, Ephraim, that's... you need to go back to health class." He said, coughing and blushing.

The Keybearer chuckled as well. "Heh...I won't say anything..." Ephraim, meanwhile, was very confused. "Duh? I don't understand!!"

Eirika completely ignored him and huggled Lyon. "You're not a duck!! YAY!!"

"Duck? Uh... okay... Where's Riane? Did anyone get the Stone back?" While Eirika explained what was going on, Donald stomped the ground angrily. "What's wrong with being a duck?!" And then, everyone noticed the charging bunnydemon.


	5. Enter NAMINE!

-Hyrule-

Ganon ran as fast as he could, but Zelda was faster. "SNUGGLES!!" She screamed, before nearly impaling herself on his spiky armor. "OW!! What kind of romantic suit is THAT?!"

The shampoo bottle bubbled again to its beloved sorcerer.

Just as Vaati was about to propose, Dingledorf and Lute both tackled him. "No, she's my gurl!!" Dingle wailed as Lute whacked him over the head with her spell book. "No, he's MY experiment!" Vaati grabbed his bubbly, clean-smelling lover and raced after Soren. The shampoo bottle actually managed something sounding like a sigh. This was going to be a loooong day. As they scrambled towards Grado, Vaati had a question-

"If this relationship continues to develop, would having kids actually be possible?"

There was a long silence.

"...I don't even want to know." Soren said finally.

-Grado-

Sora paled. "Oh...CRAAAAAP!" As a last ditch effort, he hid in a drawer.

But then the rabbit saw Roxas. It came to a screeching halt and started to purr. Why worship an ugly-arse demon when there was THIS kind of husband potential? Finally, a peek out of the drawer. Sora made a little cheering noise. And so, the rabid bunny was tamed. Lyon sighed and tried to figure out what was going on. Night was coming, and these... er... people? Would need somewhere to stay... He wondered how all these strange events had come to pass...

-Somewhere-

Namine finished her drawing of a large pink bunny glomping her boyfriend and stuck it on the wall, next to a picture of a demonic-looking creature dancing with an old lady and a shampoo bottle making out with a purple-clad sorcerer. Wasn't art the funniest?! ...Unfortunately, Zant had heard of her 'special' drawing abilities...

-Somewhere-

Riane sat down, appearing casual. "Eh, no, that's okay, but thanks for the offer, sir," she said, quite calm, as she picked up the stone. "I can find my way back." ...At that moment, however, all chances of escape were ruined when Flisk came bounding into the room, beaming. "You're handsome hero's here! How about a smooch for the rescuer?!" Then he saw the demon, and made a pitiful, wimpy squeaky sound. "Hey, back off, buddy. Lyon's daughter is mi-" Fomortiis howled and whipped around towards the shifter, eyes blood red and very, very angry. Flisk turned into a chicken and squawked something that sounded suspiciously like "I don't wanna die a virgin!" then ran towards Riane. Nicole gave up caring about everyone and stomped off to file her nails with her grandma. Riane casually tilted one of her swords, still in its sheath, so that it would trip the chicken. The chicken, not knowing what had tripped it, whirled around so fast that it fell over. "Who did that? WHO?! I don't like lyin' on the floor... unless it's with a beautiful lady..."Sindriss cackled and yelled "LYON!!""YOU STUPID DRAGON!! I'LL SO-Take you out for ice cream! Yes, everyone likes ice cream! Yay! Wanna hear a joke? The savior ran down the football field and scored, and everyone yelled 'JESUS SAVES!!" Flisk decided this was the perfect moment to sneak away like the worm he was. Gorgon lady came back with Dr. Shrinkydinks, the local insane psychologist.

-Hyrule-

But the shampoo bottle didn't care, bubbling over lovingly on the sorcerer. The animate love potion bubbled jealously. Meanwhile, Link decided to confront Ganon."You stole my girlfriend!! So I'm going to kill you!!" So saying, the tight-wearing teenager dumped out his weapons on the floor-a bird-hat that looked half dead, the original drunken Navi, a musical instrument, and the Pebble of No Real Importance. He laughed. "You're scared now, aren't ya?" Somewhere behind Link, a dog barked. No, a...Gwylligi? Zelda's eyes whipped away from her newfound love. "PUPPY!" she screamed and ran towards the three-headed hellhound.

-Grado-

After Sora noticed who he was in the presence of, he sheepishly stepped out of the drawer. "Errr...s-sorry about that." Lyon just waved his hand to show it wasn't a big deal. He dimly realized that being insane wasn't that different from living in this reality at the moment... Ephraim broke the silence by saying "Well, y'all can just sleep in the castle, it's just Lyon and my sisters, no big deal. And all you girls should stay in my room, 'cuz it's reeeally comfy in there..." The fangirls ignored him and swooned over Roxas, because Eirika would murder them if they even thought about approaching her necro. "Great! Thanks! I'm Sora, by the way," the Keybearer introduced himself, climbing out of the drawer. Being the polite person that he was, Lyon would've introduced himself, but Eirika was already dragging him towards their bedroom, ranting about how she needed to relieve her stress through 'happy time.' Ephraim, of course, had no clue what that meant. Knoll sighed, introduced everyone, pointed them towards the guest rooms, then went home and angsted to the 'Tickle Me Emo' plushie Cecilia had bought him.

-Somewhere-

"So this girl can draw stuff and make it happen," Midna said, unimpressed, from the chair she was tied to. "And?" Zant scratched his helmet. "Uh... well, it's apparently useful for SOMETHING..." A fly could be heard buzzing around inside his hollow skull. Suddenly, however, he snapped his fingers. "I REMEMBER!! If she can control reality, she can remake me so I DON'T have a head like a bowling pin! Then, I wouldn't have to work for that boogie-colored guy to earn money for plastic surgery, I wouldn't have to wear a helmet that makes little kids think I'm related to Darth Vader, and YOU would totally start crushing on me!!" He threw back his head and mwhahaha'd. He was such a GENIUS!!

-Somewhere-

Riane decided this was as good a time as any to scoot off and find Nicole, the only sane person here. Nicole looked up disinterestedly from her new book, 'How to Enslave Mankind in Eighty Days.' "Look, shouldn't you go home? Your dad probably wouldn't be too happy to know you were talking with people who wanted to take over the world and massacre humans. Besides, to advance my evil plot, I can't have you around eavesdropping. There's a portal to your home in there." She tilted her head towards a staircase that led downwards. Dripping water could be heard echoing through it, and there were red stains on the steps that looked like blood. "Wow...thanks. Still, I almost feel sorry for you, trapped in this den of idiots." Riane nonetheless turned to the staircase. "Yah, I feel sorry about it too." Screaming something about how he would protect her from any foe, no matter how spooky, Flisk teh chicken flapped after her... but he was so scared, he had his eyes shut, and thus tripped and fell down the stairs... and unto the basilisk. The feathered serpent's death dealing eyes were closed, and the deep rumbling sound coming from it indicated it was asleep. Nicole called down after them. "Don't worry, Cuteypie only eats people I tell him too." Cuteypie curled up tighter, thumped the ground with his tail, and purred.

While this was going, Dr. Shrinkydinks proceeded with the therapy by slapping Fomortiis repeatedly over the head with a ken barbie doll.

-Somewhere-

"Right, yeah, I'd _sooo _start crushing on you after you turn me into an imp and tie me to a chair," Midna muttered, sarcastic.

Zant giggled. "I KNEW it was a good idea! It makes me really happy to know that you want to date me!" he said, completely oblivious to Midna's sarcasm. Then he heard a barking sound from outside the room. "Nuuuz! IT'S LINK!!" He wailed and ran into a wall, knocking himself out. A toy poodle casually strolled in and barked at the prone figure on the floor.

-Hyrule-

The Gwyllgi licked her hand and rubbed against her legs, its tongues lolling and its tail swishing. Link whined. "Look, I'M a puppy, too!" He turned into a flea-bitten wolf with half his fur missing. Zelda looked at him quizzically. "Hey, if YOU fought monsters all day, you wouldn't look so hot, either." He grumbled. Ganon and Riev then launched their secret weapon-the Wolf-Washer 3000!!

The Gwyllgi snorted, amused. It was not to be harmed, being a three headed demon hound and not a wolf. "Oh YAH?! Well you might have three heads, but I have LICE! ...Wait..." Link suddenly realized that wasn't generally a good thing. Zelda jumped to kiss Ganon, but missed and accidentally kissed Riev instead. And naturally, whenever old people kiss young people, child protection is alerted...

-Grado-

"Err...thanks?" Sora smiled and headed to his room. Ah, wonderful sleep. Unfortunately for Sora, Axel had already taken that room, and was now singing "Burn, baby, burn! BURN, BABY, BURN!" at the top of his lungs while roasting the marshmallows stuck to every spike of his chakrams. "What the--?!" Sora froze. "Great. So where's _my_ room?" The mob of squealing fangirls quickly answered that question as they grabbed Sora and ran for their room.

"You can sleep with ME, Sora!"

"My bed's extra comfy!"

"I'll be your blanket or your pillow!"

"I don't snore, so pick me!!"

As they hurtled around a corner, they nearly crashed into a red haired girl of Sora's age. Kairi looked up, startled, then saw Sora. Her eyes lit up joyfully, and she started to smile... but then her face darkened. "What... were you going to do... with all these girls, Sora-san?" She asked menacingly. A random girl cheered and said "He was going to sleep with us!" An ominous silence fell as everyone realized Kairi could take that in two ways. She opted for the latter, and went beet red. "KAIRI ANGRY!! KAIRI KILLLLL!!" She pulled out a sickle-shaped sword and prepared to smite them ALL!! But then someone yelled "That's Riku's sword! Forget where Sora's been, where have YOU been?!" Kairi flushed even redder. "Um... with Riku... possibly... maybe... unlikely..."

-Somewhere-

Midna lol'd in her chair, legs flailing. "Hahaha! What an idiot!" Vaati walked in, still holding the shampoo bottle. He saw Minda's hat. "Oooh... red wavy stuff." His mouth fell open. Now THAT was a hat!! Namine, in a room some distance down the hall, started drawing a small imp with a funny hat kissing an imp wearing a funny spiked mask often called Majora's mask.

"Red wavy stuff?" Midna mimicked, looking insulted.The shampoo bottle burbled defensively. "Yup. Red wavy stuff, and it's mine now, wench." Being a loser, Vaati grabbed Midna's hat and then kicked her chair over, laughing manically... until he noticed that the chair had landed on a shard of glass, severing the ropes. "Oh. Crap." Zant woke up and threw one of his Zant-sized hissy fit temper tantrums. "She's MY girlfriend!! GO AWAY!!" He roared at Vaati. But the shampoo bottle bubbled over and flung itself into Zant's face.

-Somewhere-

The Ken doll's head fell off. Oops."Out of my hair," Riane growled, almost similar to how a demon would.

Flisk the Brave jumped out of her hair. "Riane, can I rub you're arrrm? Or hold you're haaand?" He asked, smiling in a 3 way.

Dr. Shrinkydink performed several more important rites-cracking an egg on Fomortiis' head, slapping him with a rubber chicken, and putting smiley face stickers on him. Amazingly, this actually worked, and the demon was once more sane and oblivous to the name Lyon. He turned to Nicole and growled. "If you want me to bring you the Stone, then you need to help me..." Nicole considered snubbing the demon, but decided against it. "Alright... I can help you." She said slowly. "I can turn you into a Drake like myself... a shifter. The opposites of Dracanians like Lyon." And as the demon grinned, she did so...

Just as Flisk was about to make his move on Riane, a quiet voice called out of the shadows. "Is that strange animal bothering you?"

-Hyrule-

They burst in, caught Riev in a net, and hauled him away. The Gwyllgi cheered. Link was unable to stop himself, and threw on pink cheerleader clothes and started dancing. He froze as he remembered who else was there. The Gwyllgi was literally howling with laughter. Link was so embarrassed that he put Ezlo on and pulled him down over his face. The hat's eyes widened. "Hey, when you put me on, where exactly IS your head in my anatomy?" At THAT disturbing thought, Link whipped off the bird. Again the Gwyllgi laughed. Why wouldn't it stop?!

"It's OBVIOUSLY because it swallowed a clown!" Link chortled at his brilliance and leaned inside the demondog's mouth to check it out... and no, it, not 'It.'

-Somewhere-Midna smirked. "Hah! See ya, losers! And I'm taking that Namine girl with me!" With that, she vanished in a shower of darkness. Namine, blissfully oblivious to what was going on, suddenly froze. She had just realized something. If she drew Roxas and herself... in a bedroom... together...

She lunged for her crayons.

Midna slipped in and watched over her shoulder. "Mmm, that guy looks nice." Namine jumped at the sudden noise and quickly bent over the picture she'd been drawing, which showed Roxas with his jacket open and pants slightly unzipped. "W-who are you?"


	6. Crazy Hand's Brilliant Scheme

-Grado-

"I wasn't going to sleep with them! And what the heck happened to Riku?" Sora burst. "N-nothing... nothing happened between me and Riku! It's not like... I wouldn't..." Kairi turned and ran, nearly trampling Leon and his teddy bear, Snuffles. "Hey! Kairi, watch that kid!" Sora turned. "Sorry about that..." A pause. "Would all fangirls present please LEAVE ME BE?!" All the fangirls slunk away, leaving the one fanboy, who was pasty white and didn't have a nose. Lyon stuck his head out of his bedroom and yelled "Not near Leon, you don't!" and Naglfar'd him. A random writer yelled "I don't think that's a proper verb!!"

-Somewhere-

"Yes he is," Riane replied nonchalantly. "Why?"

"Because I thought you might want help removing him. I hate seeing weird people like that stalking innocent girls." The person who had spoken stepped forward into the dim light from the open door at the top of the staircase. He was a human, a bit taller than Riane, and appeared about a year older. He was thin, but in an athletic way, with muscle hidden just underneath the surface. His long, slightly spiky hair was as black as a raven's wing on a moonless night, and pulled back with a golden clasp into a ponytail. He wore an unzipped black leather jacket over a white undershirt, and had black jeans, as well. A cross hung on a thin golden chain around his neck. Despite his appearance, he promoted a sense of safety and kindness rather than fear. He looked at Riane with clear, pale blue eyes, and smiled. Flisk fell over and moaned. Was THIS his competition for Riane's affection?! "She's miiiii-" he started to whine, but a look from the stranger silenced him. "My name is Seth."

Riane blinked a few times. "The same name as Carrot Head McFuckwit?"

Seth cursed himself mentally. Shiiit. So much for his grand entrance. "Um... sadly, yes. Which is why I'm having my name legally changed to Otis..." Flisk spotted the sword strapped to the blademaster's side, cringed, and reviewed his foolproof ways to take down his new arch enemy...

1. Lie.

2. Cheat.

3. Bite.

If you lose...

1. Grovel.

2. Beg.

3. 'Worm squirm.'

"Otis? Why not something, maybe a little more dark sounding? Or just plain cool?" Riane suggested. "You don't look much like an Otis."

"But the name Otis is a spoil-Mmph. Um... maybe you're right... Uh... what about Ezekiel? What did you have in mind?" Flisk turned into a pony and neighed indignantly. Riane was HIS!!

-Grado-

"Your rescuer." Midna made a warp point in the ceiling. "Come on, you'll be free as a bird!"

"Yay!!" Namine scooped up her Roxas plushie and drawing materials, and they teleported away.

It was indeed fortunate, or perhaps unfortunate, for them to find their way to Grado Keep. As if it needed any more guests!

Lyon resisted the urge to curl up in the fetal position and whimper. WHERE WERE THEY ALL COMING FROM?! Namine looked around without much interest... until she saw Roxas-san!! Midna simply floated off to retrieve a marshmallow, leaving the lovebirds to their room.

-Hyrule-

_CHOMP!_The Gwyllgi grinned at the now headless Link.

Zelda froze. "YOU KILLED MY SLAVE!! NUUUZ!!"

At this, the Gwyllgi's smiles vanished, and it whimpered.

"He'll be -hic- fine!" Navi giggled.

-Ten hours and lots of duck tape later-

"I don't feel so goooood..." Link groaned, his taped head bobbing wildly.

-Grado-

"...That was weird," Sora commented, staring down at the fanboy before stepping on his face with his colossal shoes. "Maybe you better not hang out by me..."

Kairi ran in a bedroom and slammed the door. How could she tell Sora what she'd done? Riku had eaten all her ho-ho's AND tried hitting on her, so it was only natural that she summon a full-sized Dumbo to run over him a few times!! She was very embarrassed and didn't want to tell Sora, but if she didn't, then he'd think she had been cheating on him! Kairi burst into tears, and Axel, whose room it was, offered her a marshmallow.

-Somewhere-

"Shut up horse," she said to the side, before turning back to the other. "I've heard a few good names...like, er, Riku?" she suggested.Poor Riane. That name was already taken. "That's cool, but I already saw some white-haired kid with huge feet who was named that." Seth kun Otis kun Riku2 replied. "What about Lucian? That sounds dark."

"Lucian! Yes! That's it!"

"Lucian it is, then. Now, would you like me to escort you out?" He said, bowing slightly and then offering Riane his hand. Flisk fumed with rage.

-Grado-

"Marshmallow?" A random Gorgon popped down from the ceiling, snatching it. "Mine!"

An hour later, Lyon and Eirika ran out of their bedroom, looking ticked. A bael hid behind a pot of flowers and hoped it wouldn't be noticed. It was. "What are all these monsters doing here?!" Lyon snarled as a gorgon slithered by, eating a marshmallow. The reason was Crazy Hand, actually. He didn't want to be a fuckwit at his brother's mansion anymore-no, he'd make his OWN fighter training mansion out of this castle, and be MR.FUCKWIT!! The hand signed languaged laughter. "No, this is MY castle!!" Eirika shrieked and threw a turnip at the twitching hand, who then made a very naughty finger sign.

-Somewhere-

Riane smiled sweetly--and not the "sweet" before she chops your head off in a fury. Genuine sweetness. "Oh, thank you!"

Flisk made gagging noises, but was ignored like stupid people generally are. The intelligent people, meanwhile, walked forward and through the shimmering portal back into Grado.

"Nuuuz! Wait for me, my lil' turtle dove!" Flisk screamed and dove through seconds before the gateway closed. Then the three were greeted with the chaos that was currently Grado Keep...

-Hyrule-

The Gwyllgi had since fallen asleep with its farthest left head in Zelda's lap.

Sadly, this peace could not last long, for on the horizon... what was it? A mass of blue and black and white... it was... it was... -GASPETH- THE PENGUINS AND WALRUSES OF THE MELTING ANTARTIC, COME TO TAKE OVER HYRULE!! NUUUZ!!

Lute looked away from Dingledorf, annoyed. Hyrule was hers, silly animals!

Evidently, as the animals fell in a waiting Bottomless Pit of Doom(TM).

"Yesss!" Lute clapped her hands in delight. At that moment, Artur walked over. "Oh, there you are, monkey."

"Lute... I'm a monk, not a monkey!"

"Do not argue with the prodigy." Lute snuggled against her favorite primate.

Ganondorf gave in to his feminine side and cuddled the three-headed dog. Then, however, Fluffy the cerberus from Hogwarts came over to sniff the gwyllgi, and it was love at first sight.

-Grado-

Ah, if only Riane were present. Such a hand would be dead in a heartbeat for making that sign. Alas, there was no Riane to be found.Maybe chucking that Revenant would do something.

"Oh... I wonder if the search parties have found Riane yet?" Lyon said worriedly while his wife threw on an Amazon warrior outfit and chucked the revenant at the insane hand, screaming bloody battle cries. Seth ran in and whacked his chest like a gorilla, which made Margie happy. Soren and Vaati finally made their entrance. The minish turned enquiringly to the other mage. "You're part Laguz, right? So what type of animal can you turn into?"

"...My father was of the cat tribe."

"Oooh, a cute wittle kitty-cat? How wundaful! Would da kitty like some mil-"

Soren uppercutted Vaati and sent him flying.

The shampoo bottle would have chuckled darkly if it could have.

"Whose side are you ON?!" Vaati wailed as he rubbed his bruised chin. Fangirls saw Soren AND Vaati and screamed. "KAWAII!!!"

"Oh crap."

"...Sigh..."


	7. Poor Grado

Riane only uttered two words. "Holy...shit..." Holy shit, indeed. Eirika was running around half-naked and screaming, Axel was trying to murder Sora, yelling "GIVE ME BACK ROXAS!!" while aforementioned guy was too busy with Namine to respond. Crazy hand was playing twister with several gorgons, a bael, and a confused-looking Knoll. Donald angsted to Goofy about world domination. Two girly-looking mages were being chased by the fan club, and Zant was trying to pick up Midna. Meanwhile, Lyon and Leon hid under the bed and hoped everyone would just GO AWAY. This whole affair was rather frightening to the poor quiet chaps. All activity, however, ceased instantly at the sight of Riane and her sexy gothic companion.

They were met with a spray of corrosive suds. Vaati belonged to the shampoo bottle, dammit, and it wasn't to let him go without a fight!

The fangirls screamed and ran away like antelopes.

-Hyrule-

The Gwyllgi bounded over to Fluffy and began nuzzling him. Ah, love.

Wait... Fluffy was a him?

"That gwyllgi had better be a girl, or everyone under the age of thirteen is going to have to look away." Ganon said, shaking his head. As if to answer the Gerudo's question, the Gwyllgi went into a PMS rage and tore him to bits. "Sick!" Link pumped his fist in the air.

Link's arm was next.

Link fell to the ground and whimpered for mercy like the blonde cross-dresser he was, which made Zelda laugh insanely.

-Grado-

Riane smiled to herself as she walked down the corridors. "Ah, home sweet home...Now, WHO THE HELL IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS MESS?!"

Crazy hand raised a tentative... uh... hand. This resulted in all the other twister players falling over.

When the last fangirl was gone, it bubbled contently. Let them know Vaati was its property. Vaati smooched his lover. In the background, Seth huggled Margie, seriously injuring himself in the process.

As if to answer the Gerudo's question, the Gwyllgi went into a PMS rage and tore him to bits. "Sick!" Link pumped his fist in the air.

"So that means you bleed to death first," Riane hissed, almost sadistic, with plenty of venom. And then she stopped. "...Mom? For the love of whatever deities exist, put some clothes on!"

"But I LIKE being nekkid!" Amazon Eirika whined. Lyon crawled out from under the bed and stood up. "Riane! Where were you?" Lucian, who had been looking around with interest, jumped slightly at the voice and spun around. Lyon looked curiously, then suspiciously at the new arrival for a minute, and everyone else fell silent, but then the moment was broken when crazy hand attempted to make his escape. Lucian whipped around and lunged for the offensive appendage, sword drawn, black feathered wings sprouting from his shoulders and propelling him forward. "Nuuu violence!!" Screamed Lyon desperately and teleported the limb back to his own world seconds before the lethal blow would have landed. "Yes, it would have left a horrible red stain on my carpet!" Eirika said brightly. Lucian gracefully slowed to a stop, and the fangirls ooed and ahhed dreamily.

The shampoo bottle blew pleasant-smelling bubbles at Vaati.

Vaati smiled slowly and a dreamy look came over his face. Ah... paradise! Soren turned into a black cat and cursed Seth with bad luck. A huge weight came hurtling out of nowhere and pounded the unfortunate exp. hogging paladin in the head.


	8. In Which Many Things are Censored

-Hyrule-

The PMS Gwyllgi laughed also, though rather sadistically.

Suddenly Zelda screamed. "GANON!! YOU KILLED GANON!! NUUUZ!! NOW THE TATTOO ON MY ASS IS OF A DEAD PERSON!!"

"Wow, Zelda, slow reaction." Link muttered.

-Grado-

Of course, then the weight demanded its paycheck from Soren.

Soren tried reasoning. "Look, isn't hitting carrothead a prize in itself?"

Riane grabbed Lucian and buried her face in his feathers. "Mom. Clothes. Now. You're traumatizing me." Leon was scarred for life and shaking. Eirika grudgingly put on clothes. "But I LIKED being a semi-nude warrior woman!" Leon recovered and hugged Snuffles for emotional support. A baby bael tripped over its many legs while a baby gorgon tied itself in a knot, and the two monster infants burst into tears, breaking the silence. "Alright, everyone, it's night time, go inside and SLEEP. That means Roxas and Namine are not allowed in the same bedroom. Or you and Eirika." Knoll said, grabbing the sneaky lilac-haired prince, who had started inching towards his bedroom. Lucian looked back over his shoulder and smiled. "Riane, you can look up now... I like your hair, by the way."

"Mmm. Thanks, Lucian."That's when Riane noticed her scarred brother. "Oh...oh no. Leon? Are you gonna be alright?" Leon ran over to his sister and burst into tears. "Mom is a s-stripper, isn't she?" He wailed dejectedly. "Does that m-mean Tethys is my... my a-aunt?"

"Hell no! I'm no strippa, and I ain't related to Tethys!" Eirika snorted. The random writer burst into tears at her horrible language skills. "But she IS related to Moulder." Which explained everything. Franz shuddered. Ewan started yelling "THANK GOD I'M AN ORPHAN!! SHE'S NOT MY REAL SISTER!!!" And did the chicken dance to celebrate. Lucian still hadn't looked away from Raine's hair. "That black braid... how did that happen? May I...?" He asked enquiringly, reaching out gently to touch the dark strand.

-Hyrule-

The Gwyllgi rolled her eyes. Talk about.

Zelda uselessly tried doing mouth-to-mouth with the shredded Ganon. Then she stood up, her eyes misty in a romantically tragic way. "Goodbye, cruel world. I will not surrender to thy foul wishes and forever have the inken likeness of my dead lover traced upon my bum." She said softly, seriously, and then turned and sprinted towards Dodongo Cavern to throw herself in the magma. Unfortunately for her, she was stopped by a bearded man and his huge boat, which had all the monsters of Hyrule in it in pairs. He stared at her wildly. "A flood's a comin'! We'll all be chibified pixel people, and YOU, my dear, will be a sexy pirate who falls in love with a purple-clad sorcerer! Now get on the boat!!" He laughed wildly as rain began to fall. Zelda's eyes widened. Yes, this was her destiny! VAATI WAS HER DESTINY!! She ran on to the boat.

-Grado-

The weight thought for a moment, then dropped itself on Seth again before leaving, satisfied. "Yesss!" Soren smiled happily. Vaati froze. A vision swept before him... a blonde girl... with a red kerchief... and a sexy rear... The vision was over in a moment, and he shook his head to clear it. At that moment, Sindriss marched into Grado. "My t.v.'sss broken, and American Idol'sss on tonight!" He whined. "Can't we all jussst be friendsss and forget that I tried to kill you, and you ssshare your t.v.?" He asked hopefully.

"Go ahead," Riane said, stroking Leon's hair to comfort him. "There are some...rumors...about it."

Leon smiled and wiggled happily at his sister's attention. Eirika happily yelled about wanting to buy a coconut or seashell bra, and Tana jumped up and down and screamed about "OMGIWANTONETOOXDILIKEHORSIES!!"

"...What kind of rumors?" Lucian asked interestedly, his dark wings fading away from exsistence until he (or Riane) needed them again. Lyon wavered back and forth. Dang! Should he A) Comfort Leon B) Support his wife about buying hot new articles of clothing to wear around him or C) Tell off the kid who was OBVIOUSLY crushing on his daughter? Decisions, decisions... his heart decided for A) his body chose B) and his soul picked C), resulting in him performing an odd dance-like movement before tripping and falling down.

-Hyrule-

The Gwyllgi trotted on after, in no hurry but eager to keep its hide. Link ran over and begged to know what he would look like. The bearded man frowned. "You will be a chibi, and many people will laugh and say you look ridiculous cel-shaded. Few will buy your game. Your sister will be abducted by a large bird. Ganon will return in a sexy bathrobe-like piece of clothing with two blades and attempt to smite you. Any MORE stupid questions?"

"Duh... will there be hot chicks?" The old man cracked Link over the head and chucked him on the ark, and it started to float away.

-Grado-

"No!" Riane yelled at it from across the keep. "But Sindrisss WANTSSS!!" The dragon screamed angrily and nearly set Kairi on fire. Which made Sora go into master form. The drake had one second to admire the pretty colors of the boy's outfit before he was pounded into next week.

-Hyrule-

And there was flooding all over Hyrule.This did not, however, affect anyone of note, save Lute. A screaming Dingledorf clung to the log they were floating on. Artur and Lute floated along happily, enjoying the scenery-floating cows, screaming monsters, and the Zoras yelling "OUR DAY HAS COME!!" and playing hot rock 'n' roll music on their fishy guitars. "You know, Artur..." Lute said, leaning back against him. "We might need to repopulate this whole country." Artur made a happy un-chaste reply. The scene was quickly censored.

Indeed, although it may be noted that Dingle thought they were killing each other and random Zora males cheered for Artur. Until this scene stops in roughly an hour, we'll go back to our other Hylian friends...

"I'm not an ostrich!!" Link screamed from the pen the gwyllgi had shut him in.

-Grado-

Sora dropped out of Master Form, instead opting for Final form for when Sindriss returned. But for now, he just made sure Kairi was alright.

Nicole, meanwhile, stumbled in. She hiccuped and waved her hand through the air. "Curse... you... and -hic- your... sexy body... and good... rum...-hic-Jack Sparrow!!" Before falling on her face.

"Well...they say a demon reached out from beyond and tainted that spot on my head...or something like that." She continued to pet Leon's hair, smiling.

Lucian smiled strangely at that, and stopped stroking Riane's braid for a moment. "Don't worry... I'll protect you from any demons that try to hurt you." Leon slipped to the ground, fast asleep, at all this mushy talk. Ephraim tried pole-vaulting with his spear, which sadly nearly impaled him. Lyon attempted to get up, but a screaming gorgon fangirl knocked him down again. He stared fearfully at her. "I remember you!! Noooo!!" The gorgon kissed him smack on the cheek. Eirika stopped ranting, and a red, fiery aura appeared around her. "Get... away... from... my Lyon-san... right... now..." She growled, low and dangerous. But the gorgon burned before it could move. Alas, alack, well not really.

-Grado-

"...Oooo-kaaaay..." Sora floated away slowly.

Nicole made drunken noises until her grandma hauled her away. Vaati, meanwhile, meandered over to a portal back to Hyrule, and gasped at what he saw... which was all the minish floating along on a row boat/minish hotel and screaming "THE HUMANS ARE DEAD!! YAYYY!!" ...Well, okay, that was ONE thing that caught his attention, but the main interest of the scene was not the minish OR the flickering censored square on the log. It was the boat floating towards him, and on it stood the girl of his dreams... the animate love potion thanked God. Maybe now it could get the shampoo bottle back!!

"Aww...thanks, Lucian. Really." Riane smiled. "...Great. Now I have to move Leon before someone trips over him."Meanwhile, a cricket yelled and swore at Ephraim for almost crushing it, but it came out as a bunch of chirps.

The cricket just happened to be named Jiminy, and Jesus, he hated Sora for making him write down all this stupidity.

"Oh, I'll carry him..." Lucian said, and knelt down to pick up the tired mini-mage. As he reached towards him, however, the black strand in Riane's hair seemed to glow almost fiercely, and Leon screamed, the noise piercing the air and silencing everyone, then started shaking, his face gong deathly pale. Lucian swore and drew back, and Leon stopped writhing, color returning to his skin. "Leon? LEON!" Lyon shot forward over the ground and fell to his knees. "Are you alright?!" Leon blinked a few times, then started to sit up, but his father made him lay down again. "Just… a bad dream… I can't remember what It was about…"

-Hyrule-

But the Gwyllgi just chortled and ran off to find Fluffy--or, better yet, a male Gwyllgi. The male gwyllgi was found, and another part of Link's world was censored. "Damn, I don't know where to look!" Link shrieked as censored bubbles emerged around the other animal pens. A female ostrich approached Link, and he howled in anguish. "NOOOOO!!" And Link himself was censored. Ah, yes, censored images! Let's go find some more!!

-Teh World of Baten Kaitos-

Xelha chewed her nails. Kalas or Lyude? Kalas or Lyude? Kalas or-"GIBARI!!" Screamed the oar-wielding fighter. Xelha gave him a condescending look, and he slunk away. Then she snapped her fingers. If she moved to Texas, she could have them BOTH!! Because ANYTHING is possible in TEXAS!! Lyude, who was once again attempting to shoot Kalas because he thought he was an Imperial spy, had only a second to see apporoaching doom before the pink-wearing blonde glomped him and Kalas, and this was censored, because glomping isn't allowed on PG-TV. Gibari tried hitting on Sylvia, who gave him the Evil Lady Death Glare (TM).

-Teh Pikmin World-

The white pikmin, whose name was pinkpetalZ, finally caught her purple boyfriend, who was very afraid of her in a loving kind of way. Olimar screamed "Nuuuz, this is an E rated game!!" But it was to late. Their many cuddly seeded offspring ran around happily until they were mauled by a bulborb. Go figure. The new parents demanded Olimar restart the level. "Why? We only lost three pikmin! It's no big deal…" pinkpetalZ fed him to a bulborb and reset the level herself.

But anyway, back to Hyrule...

The large ark finally crashed against an island, where everyone was celebrating because Anju the cucoo lady had flown them all away from certain death under the water. A dragon-shaped boat floated over. "Zelda, I AM YOUR FATHER!!" The pirate princess screamed. "NOOO!! I REFUSE TO HAVE A VEHICLE FOR A FATHER!!"

-Grado-

Alas, the shampoo bottle had committed suicide earlier. The animate love potion followed suit. Alas, alack, their brand names had been Romeo Wigs Inc. and Juliet Hair Stylers, Co. Go figure.


	9. Lucian  Plot Twist of the Century

And such a tragic tale their ending was. Someone even wrote a play on it. While this was going on, Father MacGregor spied on Artur and cursed. Another promising chaste person, down the drain! First Moulder had gone evil, and then Lyon had met up with that blue-haired wench... "At least I have you, Natasha! You'd never-" Afore-mentioned do-gooder was to busy with Joshua to respond. "NOT-IN-THE-CHURCH!!" Howled the disconsolate bishop, and shot them both with a Holy Water Gun of Smiting Goodness.

-Grado-

"Leon?" Riane knelt by his side. "What...what was that?"

Lyon responded before Leon did. "Of course... How could I not have seen it?" He said quietly, turning upwards to look at Lucian. "Demon." The black-haired boy flinched as if Lyon had struck him. "I-I didn't mean to hurt him... I'm s-sorry..." A nasty laugh rang out from nearby. "How touching... Didn't want to hurt your new little human friends, did you, Formotiss? Trying to switch your name to Otis... having your cousin Nicole turn you into a Drake so your true form would no longer be a demon... how cute. Didn't think I'd find you, did you... son?" Fomortiis laughed and materialized out of the shadows. "You were always too kind to be strong... but now, befriending humans? And I thought you could sink no lower, Formotiss..." The Demon King started to step forward, but Lucian planted himself in front of him, trembling with anger. "My name's Lucian, now! And you were never my father! I'll die before I let you hurt Riane or her family!"

"...How sweet. Let's see if you keep up that opinion after a few weeks sealed in the human realm. When you're nearly dead, maybe I'll allow you to come home if you grovel and swear an unbreakable oath to kill your new 'family.' Because, when you're dying from to much time spent outside your home realm, do you really think they will help you? Now that they know what you are? No. They will hunt you down and burn you alive because of it. Silly fool. Did you really think a princess of the light could ever love a prince of the darkness? You've loved her ever since you first saw her, all those years ago, and now the only reward she will give you for your faithfulness is death. No one will help save you. Your very presence gives them nightmares. Good-bye, son." And then Fomortiis stepped back into the demon realm, the portal closing with a final-sounding click. Lucian looked at the ground. "I'm so sorry... Riane..." And then, before he could hear her reply, he spread his wings and prepared to jump into the darkening light of the setting sun, his only plan to go somewhere far away where he couldn't hurt anyone else.

-Hyrule-

"BLATANT STAR WARS RIPOFF!" A random octorock cried, indicating Zelda and the boat. "Is not!" Zelda stuck her tongue out at the octorock. "And you're just a copy of the kraken from Pirates of the Caribbean, so you shouldn't be talking!" ...And then Link found the lightsaber. "Oh... sparkly."

Artur, Lute, and Dingle washed up on a nearby island. "Well, I guess this is our new ho-" The three humans were instantly swarmed by Minish and tied to the ground. "KILL ALL HUMANS!!" Someone screamed. "Isn't that a videogame?" Artur asked, confused. He was abruptly slapped upside the head for his human foolishness.

-Grado-

That is, the gun itself was fired out of a slingshot. There was no holy water left. Father G-man yelled angrily. "Where'd all my holy water go?!" Dracula cackled crazily. "My many many fangirls got rid of it so that goddanged Van Helsing couldn't kill me!"

"But he kills you because he's a werwolf!"

"WERWOLF?!" Zant and Dracula screamed and clung fearfully to each other.

"Wait!" Riane grabbed Lucian's arm. "Wait! Don't go!" With no other ideas coming to mind, she flung herself into his arms. Lucian stiffened and looked away, unable to meet her gaze. "Riane... I... Please... I'm a demon. I could never make you happy. Forget me, find someone worthy..." He carefully started to disentangle himself, and then Leon stepped forward. "Me and Snuffles don't want you to leave. It was just an accident." Lyon spoke up as well. He saw between the boy and his daughter a very deep bond, one so strong that he had only seen it's like between him and Eirika. "Please... stay. Now that I know the full story, I realize you are a friend, and not an enemy. We will do all we can to help you... And besides, your leaving would hurt Riane deeply, and I hate to see my daughter unhappy." He said, smiling slightly. Lucian blinked at this unexpected announcement, and sighed in relief, relaxing against Riane. "Thank you..." He whispered, almost inaudibly. As comic relief, Vaati fell through the portal and was carted off by Minish, who believed he was human because of his tall size. "I'M A MINISH TOO!! GET YOUR PAWS OFF ME, SHRIMPS!!" He roared.

-The Dark Temple-

Nicole wiggled against the ropes binding her. "Wow. Whata loser of a dad. First, you refuse my offer to turn you into a Drake, and then you somehow figure out I did the same thing to Formotiss and go and be a jerk to him, too. Child control is SO going to hear about this!!" The Demon King ignored her, and sunk deeper into his own thoughts, his tail flicking through the air. Then, however, he responded. "If the wretched boy wants to save himself rather then slink home, all he has to do is find the light of the Golden Sun. But Alex will keep that from happening, won't you?"

"Ah damn! Yo, Demon King, you killed that wench Eirika AGAIN!" Alex replied, shaking his DS in frustration. "That makes me SOOO mad! Like when that shark bit my arm! I was like 'yo, damn shark, gerroffa my arm, foo'!'" Flisk, listening nearby, cheered silently. He'd relay this information to Riane and be a hero, and then his new lover would love him! "Isn't that right, Pixie? 3" Flisk asked the gothic-looking pixie he'd caught in a jar. The pixie, named Pixie, swore. "Bitch fuck U."

"I love you too, honey!! 3!"

"Bitch fuck U."

"You gotta love me, for I am... THE BATMAN!!"

-Hyrule-

And then, of course, something just _had_ to happen to destroy the Minish. And it did: a two-inch high tidal wave. Artur celebrated until he realized-sentient beings were DYING. "We must save them, Lute!" He cried desperately. Lute slapped him. Meanwhile, Vaati escaped to another island-and then he saw HER. Zelda was angsting about her dad being an ugly piece of driftwood as he inched closer. And then she saw him. Somewhere in the distance, Link was cured of lycanthropy. Which made him happy, until he realized he could no longer turn into a puppy. There goes his chances of getting a girlfriend. Link cried until a girl who looked like a bird landed on his head and pecked the living daylights out of him. "My name is Medli, omgz, there's a psycho dragon, rawr, you gotta stop it, man, there's a big mother worm biting his rump!"

-Somewhere-

Of course, that was before the REAL Batman slapped the cat shit out of Flisk for stealing his name. Pixie danced in a Tethys-like fashion before screaming so loudly the glass bottle shattered. She grabbed Flisk by the ear and yelled at him. "HELPING ROYALTY EQUALS CAAASH!! Now move out, stupid skank. Shoes. I absafrikkin lutely hate you." Flisk had no clue whatsoever what this meant, but loved every minute of it. He shot off for Grado while Nicole summoned angry cucoos to smite Fomortiis! Smite him, I say!! SMITE HIM GOO-Nicole was whacked over the head by Sindriss before she completely lost it.-Grado-"...I would be unhappy if you left. Really." Riane in turn leaned on Lucian.

Just as Ephraim was about to shatter the romantic scene by screaming 'You're going to make my niece into a one-person slut!!' Flisk ruined the moment instead. He crashed into Lucian and Riane, knocking them over. "Oh! OH!! I know how to help you!" He screamed like a young girl. Pixie started singing Girlfriend lyrics.

"Hey! Hey! You! You!" Navi joined in on this part. It fit the fairy's vocabulary!

"Okay, to save yourself-"

"I don't like your girlfriend!" Navi was unable to copy and made gurgled dying noises instead.

"You have to find-"

"No way! No way!" The fangirls all joined in.

"Something called-"

"I think you need a new one!" Zant did a nifty little tap dance.

"The Golden Gopher!"

"Hey! Hey! You! You!" A bael did cartwheels in the background.

"Err... I mean, the Golden Sun!"

"I could be your girlfriend!" There was deafening applause.


	10. Hyrule Chibified & Knoll's Hippie Worry

Riane picked up a remote and pressed the "Mute" button while directing it at the singers. "Golden Sun, eh?"

"Aye!"

"Stop tryin' to sound like friggin' Jack Sparrow, you ASS!" Pixie shrilled.

Lucian pushed Flisk off, none to gently.

-Weyard-

Sheba the hyperparanoid whipped around and pointed at Ivan. "DEATH!! DEATH IS YOUR FUTURE!! MWHAHA-" The real Sheba bashed the other one into oblivion. "Maybe trying to copy what they did in the Prestige ISN'T such a good idea..." Isaac said, munching on popcorn. "Nonsense! We'll never have to work again if we can clone ourselves!" Garet said, then smacked his head repeatedly against the electric machine, hoping that would fix it.

-Hyrule-

"NUUUUZ!" Ruto cried, shooing away Medli. "HE'S MIIIIINE!!!!!" About fifty other girls Link had promised to marry all started fighting.

Malon, Saria, Ruto, the ostrich, Medli... It was pretty viscous. Link opted to run away. ...Just as the fight became so bloody and violent it had to be censored. Link hid behind a tree and cheered for no one in particular. Just then, a certain enraged dragon with a gohma stuck to its tail flew over...

Cupid's arrow, however, much to the cherub's dismay, hit a palm tree. Cupid said some words one would not normally associate with flying diapered babies. Without Cupid's aid, Vaati was screwed. He ran towards the pirate. "I... I think I love you!" he said, drooling. Zelda/Tetra gave him a condescending look that actually shriveled him. "Puh-leaz. I am the pirate princess, and only the man of my dreams, Vaati-kun, can be my lover." She sighed dreamily.

"But...but I AM Vaati!"

"No WAY! My hero would NOT be a midget with an ugly hat!"

-Grado-

"Great. Where's Pest-B-Gone when you need it?" Riane groaned. "Pest?! How dare you call me a pest! I risk my LIFE to help-"

"You're life isn't worth anything, whore, so shaddup." Pixie said, then dropkicked him. Knoll was kidnapped by hippies who wanted to convert him from emo to... whatever rhymes with emo and means a peace-loving, pink-glasses wearing, frill-clothinged hippie. Lyon was taking no chances and assigned someone to watch Riane and Lucian AT ALL TIMES. That person, sadly, just happened to be Midna...

-Weyard-The machine only broke more, which in turn caused Jenna to become extremely pissed and beat Garet over the head repeatedly. "Wow, you're hitting on me!" Garet grinned. Isaac went berserk and grand gia'd him. Ivan kissed Sheba. Felix kissed Sheba. Sheba kissed Random Guy 1 and ignored her devoted lovers, who wilted. DENIED!! Isaac kissed Jenna. Garet kissed himself. Piers and Alex kissed Mia. Wait-Alex?!

"What up, homies?" He said, doing the cool hand waving thing that 1337 people do. Jenna torched Alex without lifting a finger. Alex screamed "I'm melting!! Nuuuz!!" while Garet wondered if a djinni would fit up his nose.

-Hyrule-

Cupid this time enlisted the aid of none other than Innes, to make sure there was no miss. And the arrow did hit its mark. ...A little too well.

"AHHH MY ASSSSS!! IT BURNSSS!!" Vaati hopped around like a rabbit, howling in pain. Cupid and Innes high-fived before hauling ass out of there. Vaati slammed into Zelda, knocking her down. "This looks like a good place to get romantic!" Vaati said. Zelda hissed and bit his arm. "AHHH RABID PIRATE!!" ...So they grudgingly returned and applied another arrow to Zelda.

The Gohma fell off and into the ocean. Problem solved! Well, sort of. Tethys, who had recently become a Gerudo, was sneaking up on Link from one side while Ganon, in new PJ-like apparel, snuck up from the other. Link, listening to 'Man, I Feel Like a Woman,' 'This One's For the Girls,' and other masculine songs on his Ipod was completely oblivious to their presence.

-Grado-

Midna was filing her nails. "Right. Watch for what, exactly? And am I getting paid? In Rupees, hopefully?" .Lyon waved his arms and angsted while Lucian got to his feet and helped Riane up. "SEE?! SEE?! NO SUPERVISION!! THEY COULD HAVE SLEPT TOGETHER-" He glared at his watch. "-THREE TIMES ALREADY!! YOU NEED TO WATCH THEM!! ALWAYS!! EVERYWHERE!! And no, you get payed in small pieces of copper or silver with dead people carved on to them, that have probably been up people's schnozzes. Deal."

-Somewhere-

"Peace, man! You gotta go with the flow! You need to relax, man!" The hippie hypnotist said, waving a huge peace symbol on a golden chain necklace in front of Knoll, who was strapped to an operating table. He screamed. "NEVER!! I SHALL NEVER CONVERT TO YOUR HIPPIE WAYS, YOU DRUG-DEALING, PEACE-LOVING, STUPID SPONTANEOUS SEX FREAKS!!" A nurse held up a small, withered pink object. "We shall now swap your highly developed brain for this one, which contains proper hippie thoughts instead of your silly E MC squared ones! Mwhahaha!"

"NUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUZZZ!!!"

-Hyrule-

He was dead. Doomed. Nothing to really say... Except, possibly...

"FANGIRL ATTTTTTACK!!"

Tons of angry fangirls mobbed Ganon and Tethys. Meanwhile, the ocean shrunk. "What the batmobile?" Link exclaimed. A Japanese man walked over and said something that translated to-"You look gay as chibi. Fans demand realism. You be werewolf again. Go find Midna. No cookies for you." Link winced. "But she's always hiding up my tunic! It's kinda creepy, you know."

"Then wear pants, foo'!"

"Let's get nekkid! 3!" Zelda sighed, in a romantically tragic kind of way.

"I would, but I signed some contracts, see?" She held up two pieces of paper. One was the virginity until married pledge they make you sign in elementary school when you have NO CLUE what it means. The other stated that Zelda could only be a part of Wind Waker if she kept to E-rated material. Vaati scoffed and ripped up the first pledge. "And we're in TP now, which is rated T, which equals PG-13, so you're fine!"

"TP? Does that stand for toilet paper?"

"D'OH!!"

Cupid and Innes decided to split some popcorn between them. Zelda decided to test Vaati's devotion and make him perform three impossible tasks-

1. Make Knoll sing 'happy happy joy joy.'

2. Defeat Seprihoth on hard mode on KH2.

3. Raise Link's IQ to positive 5.

Vaati's jaw dropped. Dang, this wasn't going to be easy!

And thus did Twilight Princess ensue, minus Midna, who was away in Grado demanding a paycheck. Link danced, because you could no longer count how many pixels he was made of. Then he wet himself when he saw how realistic the monsters were.

-Grado-

Riane blinked. "Dad? I'm thirteen. No way I'm losing my virginity yet.""See? She has common sense," Midna pointed out, then stopped. "Wait. How do you know they could have slept together three times?" Lyon coughed something which sounded suspiciously like "Ask Eirika." then said more loudly "I know, but if you found a time machine, young lady..." A random hippie walked by yelling "TIME MACHINES 4 SAL-" He was quickly smited. -Somewhere-That's when another hippie ran in. "Dude! Someone's firing missiles at us, man!" He paused to take a swig of crack-infused vodka (very horrible, vile stuff. Don't do it, kiddies). "We've tried to get 'em to chill and relax, man, but they're mad!"

"OMGz, man, that's bad juju!" The hippie hypnotist hollered. "Assemble, lovers of peace! We shall drive them away with our kindness and secret skunk army!" All of the hippies, save the nurse, scurried out to see their new enemy. The nurse made googly eyes at Knoll. "I think you're cuuute! And you are helpless to resist my kisses!" Knoll whimpered, his heart beating painfully fast, and squirmed against his bonds, which were uncomfortably tight. The nurse inched closer, then suddenly ripped off her mask. Knoll's jaw dropped in horror. The hippie was none other then the damn glomping-gorgon, thought to have been killed by Eirika over fifteen paragraphs ago!!!

"YOU'RE MINE NOW, MAGE!! 3 3 3!!" The glomping-gorgon squealed. Knoll pulled a possum and played dead.


	11. Wayward Weyard

And that, good people is why Vexen made the Riku Replica--to smite glomping Gorgons. The Replica came, and the Gorgon was smite'd.

The gorgon then overpowered the Riku replica, who was a sandwich-making wussie. The terrified fangirl quickly did mouth to mouth with Knoll to revive him, which worked, but not for the right reason...

"Help meeeee!!" Knoll hollered as the gorgon took off his shoes. "Cute toesss!! Kawaii!! 3!" The gorgon nibbled Knoll's poor toes, which tickled like crazy, and then licked his face. She then hugged him, rested her head against his chest, and rubbed his belly, purring with her eyes closed and smiling blissfully.

"Now bessst part... I make you NEKKID!!" The gorgon cackled insanely.

"And then guesssss what we do? 3 3 3 3 3!!! WE MAKE BABIES!!!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"

"YEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSS, 3 3 3 3 3!!!!"

"O-okay, let's try a-another approach... Don't d-do this... P-please?"

"Hmm... nope. XD! 3 3 3 3 3!!!"

Knoll's terrified expression would've been pretty damn funny, if the glomping-gorgon hadn't been dead serious. He thrashed against the straps.

"I CAN'T BE A NUN IF I'M NOT A VIRGIN!! NOOOOO!!"

She patted her captive's sparkly purple hair reassuringly.

"Don't worry, I'll be gentle, oh yesss I will!! 3 3 3 3 3!!!"

Then the gorgon gleefully pulled off his robes, reducing him to a tunic and pants, and then started tugging off his shirt.

Wait a minute... you're a spell caster, idiot! Knoll's mind screamed and slapped him out of his paralyzed fear.

"Uh, I've changed my mind, but it'll be hard to do... uh... it... here, so just get me off the table first, okay?"

"Really!?! OMGZ!! 3 3 3 3 3!!"

2.5 milliseconds after the glomping-gorgon released Knoll, he reduced her to a pile of smoldering ashes.

-Grado-

"Hippie smiting!" Riane looked up, intrigued. "Dad, can I? Pleeeease?"

"You know I don't like violence, Ria-" Lyon was completely ignored as Eirika and Lucian happily charged the hippies. Lyon wondered vaguely where emo-boy had gone.

"YAY!" Riane rushed forward to join the hippie-smiting goodness.

-Hyrule-

And the monsters ate Link with a nice Roku Sauce. (don't ask) The plot writers needed a new hero, and they nominated young Link, who was slightly saner.

However, with each of Vaati's tasks was an unforeseen complication.Knoll was being held captive by hippies.All KH2 and KH games didn't work properly while Sora was not where he belonged--and indeed, he wasn't.And Link had been eaten earlier.

"YOU DON'T LOVE MEEE!!" Zelda wailed as Vaati said he couldn't do what she asked. "No, muffin, I love you!" Vaati cried. Cupid tried to reshoot them with arrows, but Pit came and shot them first... with a superscope. Innes smiled sadistically. Ah, love. Ah, yes. Zelda and Vaati 'lovingly' clobbered Pit, who was a girly-looking pretty boy... of course, so was Vaati...

Young Link, then, took center stage and became famous.

...That is, until Random Goron Baby 1 decided he was the new hero. The underwear-sporting fatso pushed Link down and sat on him. "I AM BINK!! I NEW HERO!!" The goron roared. "Bink suck thumb now." And Bink did. Bink was then chased off by three other Young Links, courtesy of the Four Sword. Young Zelda cackled. "NOW I HAVE A LINK TO MATCH MY FURNITURE!!" She squealed and hugged Red Link. This caused Red Link to smile like so: 3The rest of the Links planned a mutiny.-teh Hippie Lab-

The poor Riku Replica sobbed into the floor. "Why? Why? Why can't I do anything right?"

Knoll was too traumatized to respond, and sat on the floor staring blankly at the wall, blinking repeatedly. Then he whipped around. "YOU USELESS-! YOU-! YOU WERE GONNA LET HER-!" Knoll couldn't finish and burst into tears. Lyon walked in, eating a muffin. "Munch... um, hi, did I miss anything? Oh! Knoll, you don't look so good... is something wrong?" Lyon asked worriedly. Knoll got a very evil look on his face. "Hello, cousin! Funny how you weren't here when I NEEDED you, but show up RIGHT AFTER..." Knoll hissed. Lyon gulped. "Nuuuz! Don't strangle pretty boy!" A random mew that just happened to be named ADP yelled. The Riku Replica ceased wailing. What was this madness? ...Whatever it was, it was only about to get worse. "Trouble with a g-gorgon, oh? But it's f-fine now, so no need to get a-angry..." Lyon raised his hands and started to back away, then utterly lost it and turned to run. Knoll howled and tackled his cousin. "YOU ABANDONED ME!! AFTER ALL THE TIMES I STOPPED INNES FROM STEALING YOUR LUNCH MONEY WHEN WE WERE LITTLE!!" Knoll ranted to his squished relative, who made a 'meep' noise. Soren walked in and said casually to the Riku clone "The hippies are unleashing the skunks now, so we might want to get leaving."

-Hyrule-

Innes decided to record it for YouTube. It was a smash hit... That is, until Bowser heard about it.

"MWHAHAHA!! This is the perfect opportunity to cause chaos! You, mini-me, shall go win Zelda's heart, and then we shall take over the world!!" Bowser Jr. glared at his father. "Please, dad, she's twice as tall as me." Bowser's only response was to chuck his son out of the koopacopter and towards Vaati and Zelda.

Artur stared in horror at the zombified shampoo bottle. "Lute! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!" Lute looked up from her book of spells. "Oh, simple, really. I wanted to try being a summoner, and this is the servant I conjured." She waved in the redead shampoo's general direction. Vaati felt utterly rejected. So he turned Red Link to stone, which caused Zelda to go berserk.

-Somewhere-

"Your son seems reeeal concerned about how he'll die soon if he doesn't find that Golden Gopher... err, Golden Sun thingy... soon." Nicole blabbered. Fomortiis was to busy watching a Youtube video of Zelda and Vaati to respond. "Sindriss! Get me down, and I'll hook you up with a reaaally cute girl dragon!" Nicole whispered to the drake, who was chasing his tail. His ears perked up. "Oh... okayz!" Poor, poor Myrrh. She was oblivious to the matchmaker schemes of Nicole. Not for long, though. "Sindriss, meet Myrrh. Have fun. BEHAVE." Sindriss drooled and stared at the gold and green dragon, who was completely oblivious to the schemer's presence... At least, until Sindriss lovingly tackled her.

-Hyrule-

The shampoo bottle moaned, much like a zombie. "Urrrr...braaaains..." Lute smiled. "It's cute! Like a revenant!" Artur banged his head against the wall.

-Grado-

"Good idea." The replica gladly followed Soren out.Meanwhile, Riane just happened to trot by and drag Knoll away by the ear, also keen on avoiding the skunks. Lyon scurried after, sighing in relief. The hippies, however, were not happy to let their prisoners go. "Fire the love torpedos, MAN!" Yelled the hippie leader. "Hey Dad," Riane said nonchalantly as she noticed Lyon following.-Hyrule-Innes cackled. Prime YouTube footage, baby!

-Hyrule-

Bowser Jr. dropped out of the sky like... a turtle. He crashed into Zelda, who was wailing about Vaati not loving her. "Yo, wench, you gotta marry me!" The snide reptile said. A random hippie walked by and tried to inhale a Toad, because it looked like a mushroom.

Zelda ignored him and smacked Vaati over the head with a petrified wombat, and he ran crying to hide behind some cute Ruto prince, who was tackled by Medli, thus revealing Vaati's position.

-Grado-

"Thanks, Riane." The hippie torpedoes of love (which showered everyone with heart-shaped confetti) were ignored, and everyone trotted back to Grado. It was officially night time, and everyone finally headed to their rooms, although Keiri had to be pulled off of Sora, who she was glomping. Lucian and Riane, however, stayed behind a few moments longer then everyone else. He turned towards her. "Well, good night, Riane..." He turned and stepped towards the door, but then suddenly stiffened. "What... no... it's only been... one day!" Lucian cried weakly, than collapsed to the ground.

-Weyard-

Alex made muffled noises from behind his gag. He was tied to a chair, completely subdued after a failed attempt to use 'BUBBLE, LEVEL 1!!' to defeat Isaac and company. Jenna grinned crazily. "Because of you, we almost died several times. AND I broke more then a few nails when we were climbing all over this goddanged planet to stop you. So now guess what we're gonna do to you?" Alex whimpered as Sheba, also smiling evilly, stepped forward with a bundle of pink clothes, manicure items, and cosmetics.

-Somewhere-

"EEEEEE! Get OFF!" Myrrh shoved Sindriss roughly to the side, growling.

"But I isss madly in love with yooou!" Sindriss howled mournfully. He got a face-full of fire for his devotion.

-Hyrule-

"Eeeeeppp!" Artur yelled in a very manly manner as Lute conjured up another zombie, this one of older Link. Then she started to summon a much stronger entity. "NO, LUTE, NOOO!!" Artur screamed, but it was to late. The hideous apparition took on a solid form. It was purple and green, and had an overly large head. "I love you, you love me, were a happy family!" The dinosaur-like creature started to sing. Lute and Artur fled, for this was too powerful a foe for even the prodigy to control...


	12. Actually, This Chapter's Serious, Kinda

Which is why Jenova came in the first place to Midgar: to crash into and destroy the abomination.Wait, since when were they in Midgar?

Cloud ran in at that moment. "If I'm Seph's clone, does that make you... MY MOM?!" His retarded sister ran in after him. "I am Clud! Duhahaha!!!" Artur decided to hook her up with Dingledorf. Ignoring Clud...

-Somewhere-

"Get lost." Myrrh snorted and turned away. "You're not Eph." Ephraim, who was nearby for some reason, looked up from making out with Tana.

"Uh... did someone say my name?"

Tana slapped him and made him kiss her again. Myrrh shook with anger before biting Tana's head off and roasting the rest of her like a marshmallow from Axel's room. "H-hi, my lil' drakey-poo!!" Ephraim said, shaking like a leaf. "You..." Myrrh returned to her human form, tears welling up in her eyes. "You cheated on me! You don't love me! WAAAAAAA!" She ran away crying.

-Weyard-

And Jenna had thought ahead. So she could hear Alex's screams over and over, she hired Innes to YouTube the moment after he got bored with the Zelda/Vaati chase. Unfortunately, Garet also wanted the feminine fashion items, and grabbed them before bolting... smack into an undead shampoo bottle. The undead shampoo bottle growled ferociously before devouring him whole and spitting him back out. "No braaaaiiinnnsss..." Garet screamed, wet himself, and hid behind Jenna. A random djinni did a tap dance. To move the story along, a portal opened to Grado... randomly.

-Grado is made of cheese-"Lucian...? Do you take some kind of medication?" Riane asked, slightly worried.

"No... But... I'm not a full Drake yet... I'm still part demon, so... being closed off from the demon realm..." He smiled weakly. "...Doesn't feel good. I didn't think it would hurt so much after just a day of not being there... I'll be okay, though, but I don't know for how long." With an effort, he climbed to his feet again. Eirika and Lyon, meanwhile, started to get in to bed when they realized someone was already in it. "What the hell?" Eirika screamed as Knoll poked his head out from under the covers. "I'm s-scared... can I sleep in here tonight?" The traumatized mage whimpered.

"Well, don't push yourself." Riane curled a supportive arm around him.The bed devoured Knoll before spitting him back out.

"Thank you... What the-" A portal churned into existence before them, and from it ran a guy with overly tall red hair, which made Axel jealous. Jenna once again roasted Garet, yawning. Garet then smacked into Riane, screaming "MY BUNS ARE BURNIN'!! ...Oh, hot girl!" He was promptly grabbed around the neck by a growling Lucian.

-Somewhere-

Jenova and Barney got into a mad awesome battle while Clud and Dingledorf performed the mating dance of the Retardius imbiceles, which looked a lot like the chicken dance.

-Wherever-

Ephraim jogged alongside Myrrh, an easy feat considering she was a midget. "No, she forced me too! You are the one I lo-" Ephraim ran smack into an oversized weasel of death.

-Grado-

"Nah, Lucian, I can take care of it." Riane pulled out a stolen pincushion, full of pins, and pulled them out, one by one, sticking them on Garet in uncomfortable places.Jenna growled. "Garet, I hate you...oooh! Hot boy!" She proceeded to stalk Axel. Alex yelled "GO RIANE! WITH THE PIN! JUST RUN AMOK! -POKING AROUND- What are those noises?!? THOSE ARE PUNCTURE WOUNDS RIANE, STOP!!! YOU'VE MADE A HORRIBLE ERROR!" Knoll recovered from his traumatized state and slapped Alex. Vaati decided his feathered ass made him look like a peacock. Axel tried to steal Lyon's hair. Rennac tried to steal Axel's hair. Jenna tried to steal ALL the cute guys. Fomortiis kidnapped Riane and Lucian and threw them in a cell in the demon realm. Dozla sang about ponies, which resulted in hordes of angry My Lil' Ponies falling from the sky. The scarecrow from the Zelda games did a nifty little jig...

"STOOOP!!" Lyon yelled unhappily. Everyone froze. "Is it just me, or did something serious sneak into that moment of extreme stupidity?"

Indeed, it had...

-The Demon Realm-

The Demon King smiled wickedly at his two captives from outside of the cell. "Nooo, you aren't ALLOWED to be seriously evil in this RP-Eeep!" The small mew who had been protesting, tied upside-down to the ceiling, shut up instantly as the demon glared at her. Riane rolled her eyes. "Gee, THAT was helpful. Not. Look, demon dude, let us out of here now, and maybe I'll spare your treasury in the inevitable event that we do get out." The mew squealed happily. "I KNOW it was!!" Fomortiis snorted. "Silence, dinner."

"D-dinner?! Don't you know how many c-calories are in a m-mew? I'll ruin your d-diet... which you need... b-badly..."

The demon ignored the blithering mew. "I decided it would take to long to wait for you to come crawling home, Formotiss. But kidnapping your little friend was an unexpected bonus." Lucian growled. The Demon King then turned towards Riane. "I've just sent your father a message. I told him to come here, alone, and to not struggle. If he fails to comply, it will go badly for you... So do you think he'll take the bait?"

-Somewhere-

"Screw you, Ephraim! I'm going back to that dorky Sindriss!"

Ephraim was quickly surrounded by a Super Stoat of Sadisticness, a Fat Ferret of Ferocity, an Enormous Ermine of Evilness, and a Wide Weasel of Wickedness. "G-gulp... are these friends of y-yours, M-Myrrh?" Sindriss cackled happily.

-The Demon Realm-

Riane's calm and sarcastic demeanor gave way to sweltering rage. "You...WHAT?! You...you...! RRRRGH! Just you wait and see. I'll slit your throat wide open for that!" The mew started singing "Ninety nine bottles of beer on the wall, take one down, pass it-" Fomortiis smacked the unfortunate kitty-like creature over the head, then thrust a single claw through the cell and pinned Riane against the bars. Lucian snarled and threw himself forward, but the demon merely shoved him aside with his tail. "You're too weak to protect her, boy... Now tell me, girl, are you scared? Scared of what I'll do to you? And you'll never know of all the secret torments I put your father through..." The Demon King purred happily. A voice suddenly called out from behind him.

"Let her go, Fomortiis. I'm the one you want." The demon paused, then twisted around, smiling slowly. "Hello, Lyon..."

"Dad! No! Get away!" Riane cried desperately. Then she spared the mew a glance. "...Just for the record...never again." The mew sputtered indignantly. Lyon looked sadly at Riane, his face pale. "What do you want, demon?"

"You, of course."

"...You win. But you must promise you'll let them go, and that you won't hurt my family ever again."

"Yes, yes, I promise. Now, I'm going to cast a very nifty little spell I learned. It'll stop you from using magic or transforming. It'll also paralyze you, but leave you conscious... so that you'll feel everything. Try to resist, and your kid's toast."

"...I surrender. Don't hurt her."

The mew slapped Fomortiis with her tail.

"No, no, no, this is MY story, and I say you shain't harm pretty boy! Sparkly Light Bubbles, Level 1!" As intimidating as that attack was, the demon remained unphased, and cast aforementioned nasty spell. The mew screamed at this insubordination. Fomortiis waited a moment to be certain his victim was helpless, then lunged forward and grabbed him by the collar, murmuring in delight. Lyon smiled gently at the two shocked prisoners. "Riane, Lucian... watch out for Eirika and Leon for me, will you? And give everyone my love-"

"Enough talking, weakling... I've waited so long to hear you screaming in pain and misery once again." With that chilling remark, Fomortiis skipped happily down the hallway. The mew twisted around, waited until the demon was gone, then freed herself with a spell and unlocked the cell. "Alright, peeps, we gotta go save Lyon, or the fangirl's will have my hide. You're both shifters, so you can turn into something big and scary and kill, right?" Lucian, who hadn't had much practice in the shape changing scheme of things, turned into a cerberus puppy and bared his stubby fangs in an attempt to look violent. The mew booted him in the butt.

Fomortiis carelessly dropped his captive onto a table, and Lyon winced as he landed on the rough metal surface. The torture chamber was located on an outcropping in a cave, hundreds of feet above a sea of boiling magma, which gave the whole room a sluggish red glow. The demon played his claws along the mage's unprotected throat, making him flinch. "Now tell me, boy, what game should we play first? Should I slowly roast you alive, or should I disembowel you?" He said, grinning terribly. Lyon sighed weakly and closed his eyes. "Oh, they both sound so fun, I can't make up my mind, why don't you pick?" he croaked hoarsely. A random keese dropped from the ceiling, yelling "You were funnier as a hippie, demon!" Then started shrieking taunts as he wheeled around the cavern's roof. "Hippie Fomortiis, hippie Fomortiis, helps old ladies, nah nah nah..." The Demon King roared and pounded the ground with his fist. "SILENCE!! I WILL HAVE NO ONE INTERUPT MY INCREDIBLY EVIL ATMOSPHERE!!" Lyon laughed. "I think it's too late for that... rubber duckie boy. Ha!"


	13. War of the Authoress'

"Rubber Duckie Boy!" A few other Keese chorused.Riane shook with rage. "Shift forms? Pfeh! I don't need to! That demon's dead anyway!" And she bolted. The mew sighed. "I write paragraphs, and my arch nemesis Numdenu only writes SENTENCES!!" The cat glanced around to make sure aforementioned phantom authoress wasn't present before flying off after Riane and Lucian...

Fomortiis hissed. Lyon was right-the cool moment in which he'd looked awesomely evil was sooo over. Oh well, that could be dealt with. He shot the keeses with ice arrows and turned on his Ipod. "Oooh... Evanescence, Bring Me to Life. Good song. It'll do for an evil slash dramatic background. Now…" Without warning, he slashed forward with his claws, rending Lyon's skin. The mage cried out softly and twisted his head away. "That's not screaming... yet." Then the Demon King reached forward, pressing cruelly down on his victim's throat, and his captive coughed, choking, and tried desperately to breathe. "Hard to breathe? Good. It's almost a pity you're paralyzed-I so enjoyed seeing you thrash." A keese dethawed and bit Fomortiis in the ass while another one switched the song to Barbie Girl, and the incredibly evil atmosphere was ruined... AGAIN...

-Somewhere-

"Aha! Found you!" Master Form Sora whizzed out to confront Sindriss. "...You remember what you did in Grado Keep a week ago, right?"

Sindriss gulped. "Mayhaps..."

-Meanwhile-

Zant suddenly realized Midna wasn't wearing ANY CLOTHES AS AN IMP, and started taking pictures. Artur, meanwhile, beamed happily at his many worshippers, who were doing a nifty little tribal dance. Lute sighed. "You do know they EAT their gods, right? This is Pirates of the Carribbean..." Artur whimpered. "Happiness fading..." Of course, good ol' Jackie Sparrow showed up and diverted attention. Indeed, as he staggered about drunkenly and said sentences that were quote worthy without even noticing. Then he spotted Artur. "Ahoy, lass, what are you doin' out here?" Artur shrieked angrily. "I'm NOT a girl!!"

"Sorry... err, miss? Lady? What do ye prefer, beautiful?"

"That's not what I meant!! Raa!!"

-The Demon Realm-

"Barbie Girl? Oh come on, that is so overused." An aforementioned phantom authoress sighed and switched the music over to some dark, dramatic J-Rock. "There, that's better! Now to address the improbability issue..." She turned to Fomortiis. "You're not supposed to use those dinky ice arrows. Keep up the good work! Now, what else can we do here...""Fomortiis!" The door burst in, kicked open by a very pissed Riane. "Release my father!"Num smiled and rubbed her chin. "Mmm. That's a good touch."

Fomortiis blinked as his mind was overloaded with two problems at once. "Good work?! I spend WEEKS creating this torture chamber, and all you can say is 'good work?' Who the hell do you think you... Ah, crap, wait, wait a minute!" The demon said frantically, holding up a warding finger towards Riane. "I am NOT done torturing your daddy yet! So why don't you... err... just go home and... do something?" The mew tried to subtly switch the music to Girlfriend. "Nooo, cut that OUT!!" Fomortiis roared. "I'm BUSY!! I want to see how evil I can be before someone demands this scene have an M rating! Jeez..." The Demon King turned back to his prisoner, went back to suffocating him, and hoped everyone would just go away. No such luck. For one, Lyon wasn't even there anymore. Riane had dragged him away during the monologue while leaving a cardboard cutout of herself in her place. Fomortiis swelled and went a nasty shade of purple-red. Just as he was about to go murder Riane, Eirika walked in... and she was wearing her Amazon outfit. The Demon King made a pathetic squeaking noise.

"You... are... so... dead..." The enraged warrior woman growled. And then the scene had to be censored, because it was vewy violent. The mew thought it was friggin' hilarious and laughed happily. "Really, you should be glad Riane didn't decide to pwn you, too!"

-Grado-

Meanwhile, Lucian had his own problems. He was trying to

1) Watch over the sleeping Lyon as he recovered from his paralysis and sleep-talked about 'Carrot-head...noes... Eirika's... MINE... silly... game producers... grumble grumble...' Knoll healed his wounded friend and then stuck duck tape over his mouth to shut him up. Lovingly, of course!

2) Keep Zant from feeling Midna up. "SHE'S WAY TOO SHORT FOR YOU!! CUT IT OUT!!!"

"What's your excuse for EphraimxMyrrh, then?" Zant proclaimed, blowing a raspberry. "Uhh... point taken. Carry on."

3) Figure out how to get information out of those stupid Golden Sun people…

-Elsewhere-"Mayhaps?" Sora cocked his head to the side.

"Mayhapsss... If it'll get me a cookie, I'll remember." Sindriss said hopefully. Ephraim spotted an armory. "Oooh... weapons!! Pointy!!"

"I don't have any cookies!" Sora whined. "I didn't know it would take blasted cookies!" Sindriss giggled. "I just made gasss! Why do you want to know if I wasss at the cassstle?"

-Somewhere-

An official-looking businessman entered the scene and slapped Jack Sparrow with a fish. "And good day, sir."Lute blinked. "Who are you?""I, good madam, am Sir Robert Albatross of Scandinavia. I have Bachelor's degrees in Destruction, Carnage, and Sephirothology. Pleasure to be of service." Someone squealed. "OMG, Sephiroth, he's so CUTE when he's not murdering girls!! SQUEEE!! ONE WINGED ANGEL!!!" Vincent Valentine then ran in, for some reason...

-Grado-

Riane, though less than gladly, took over the job of Lyon-watching, and No. 2 fell dead. Three, however would be a problem, seeing as Jenna had run off with Axel and was probably hitting on him. At that moment, Eirika walked in, looking ticked. "We have a prob-GO AWAYYY!!" She screamed as a re-hippified Fomortiis jumped on the bed and hugged Lyon, startling him awake.

"LYON-FRIEEEND, PLEASE FORGIVE MEEE!!" The demon cried, bawling like a baby.

"AHHHHHHHH!!!"

"I'M SO SORRY I TRIED TO KILL YOU, I MADE YOU A GET WELL CARD-" The Demon King waved around a card covered in pictures of rainbows and smiley faces.

"AHHHHHHHH!!! HE'S GONNA KILL ME!!! AHHHH-"

"NOES, I WUV YOU NOW!!"

"AHHHHHHHH!!!"

Nicole marched in and grabbed hippie demon by the ear. "You're coming with me, freakazoid. Me and that crazy scientist from Hyrule Lake have got an incredibly evil idea involving rubber chickens..."

-Somewhere-

"Now, if I may demonstrate?" Mr. Albatross dragged Dingledorf out of a plothole. "Observe this demonstration in destruction, the forcing of one to cease to be." A safe fell on Dingledorf. "That is so awesome!" Lute cheered. Artur decided to give up the holy crap and become a berserker. Vincent Valentine was buried by fangirls in the background.

-Somewhere else-

"Urf...right...fine...cookies." Sora glided off, breathing through his hand. He retuned moments later with the cookies in question. "Fine. Here. Were you at Grado Keep or not?"

"YESSS!!" Sindriss said as he ate cookies and enjoyed the empty calories.

-Grado-

Riane blinked in confusion. "No comment...well, at least Dad's up. And traumatized." She observed Lyon's spazzing with somewhat of a sadistic smirk. Lucian finally cornered Garet. "Alright, what is this 'Golden Sun?'" Garet blinked. "I thought we started our quest to get ho-hos! THEY LIED TO MEEE!!" He burst into tears.

The demon, at that moment, burst away from Nicole and hugged Riane. "I LOVE YOU TOO!" He proclaimed, beaming. Lyon screeched. "AHHHHH HE'S GONNA KILL RIANE NAGLFARFLUXNOSFERATUECLIPSEFENRIR!!!!!!"

...Needless to say, that super hacked spell missed the demon and smashed into Garet instead... nuts.

At that moment, a sexy blue-haired elven necromancer without a shirt walked in...

-Somewhere-

"Good. That means I can beat you now." Sindriss choked. "Uh, I meant... Gerudo Keep! Not Grado, sssilly Sssora!!"

ADP was bored. And then she came up with a brilliant idea! "A full-scale authoress war!" She cackled. "Let's see... I'll have Lyon, Dingledorf, Fomortiis, Artur, Vaati, Zant, Lucian, zombified older Link, and the old guy with the ark on my team..." She mused.

Sora tossed another cookie in the air.Then Num popped up beside ADP. "Well, in that case, I'll get Eirika, Lute, Riane, all four Young Links, Ysuran, Sir Robert Albatross, and the shampoo bottle!" "Fine, whatever!" ADP said in a fake teenage preppy voice. Vaati popped out of a plot hole. "But... what if we don't want to fight our friends?"

"TOO FRIGGIN' BAD!!" ADP growled angrily before setting out to round up her aforementioned units...

-Grado-

Riane simply sighed and plunged one of her swords into the demon's back, approximately where the heart would be. "Get off and die."Jenna equipped her own set of Amazon garb and danced on Garet's grave. Fomortiis giggled. "That tickles!" ADP stomped in, squealed, and mussed up Lyon's hair. "Guess WHAT?! You're my new army commander! Now let's go whoop your wife and daughter!"

"WHAAAAAT?!?"

"Actually, from now on, I'M going to be your wife!" ADP made a happy 'squeee' noise and hid in Lyon's shirt.

"WHAAAAAT-" Lyon said before his mind was overloaded with too much randomness, KO'ing him.


	14. Once Upon a Time Nicole Was PO'd

-Somewhere-

Num had, however, already vanished.Ysuran, the hot, shirtless, blue-haired elf necro, happened to be wandering by for some reason, and the cookie Sora had tossed in the air landed on his head. "Hmm..." He took it, looked at it apprehensively, then took a small bite. "...Not bad."Meanwhile, Sora was getting rather ticked at Sindriss. "Can there please just be some sort of battle? That's kinda what I've been getting at." Sindriss responded by setting his back ablaze, snarling, and leaping at Sora, wings beating the air to give his assault more force.

The next thing..."Man! It stinks in here!" came Sora's voice from inside Sindriss' maw. "Do you ever brush?"

"Once a year, for Mummy'sss day!" Sindriss announced proudly.

-Grado-

"Okay, that's just absurd," Num commented, gliding in and dragging the mew out. "No casualties, and no ruining family relations. Unless you want to be assassinated by jealous nobles and rabid fangirls."Riane repeatedly stabbed the demon in the heart, through the head, and even in the not-so-nice place. "BUT I WAAANT!!" The mew screamed, waving her arms and attempting to grab the unconscious Lyon.

The demon squawked and hid behind Knoll. "Can you stop? You know it doesn't matter where you hit me, I'll live until my hp runs out anyway!" He whined. "You want, you want, but you can't have. Deal. It's like FE7 for me." Num reasoned.Riane sighed. "Mom? Can I borrow Sieglinde real quick?" The mew ignored her and blithered on. "I'll just POSSESS him and make him like me! ...'Course, then he'd have to have an affair with himself to have an affair with me, and that would be reaaally weird..." The mew mused. The demon hissed, his nastier personality showing through again, which made Knoll inch away. Neville and Luna fell out of a plot hole and became best friends with Artur, who was wearing a flower necklace and grass skirt for some reason, and Lute.

Getting no response from her mother, Riane grabbed Sieglinde of her own accord and began chasing Fomortiis with it.Num in turn ignored the Mew's rambling, dragging her off. Nicole roared and threw a rubber chicken at Riane. "I NEED THAT IDIOT!! LEAVE HIM ALOOONE!!"

The mew whimpered. "Alright, no family breaking ups. So how are we gonna wage this authoress fight, then? Oh, Soren-kun's on my team!!"

-Somewhere-

While he was talking, Sora had taken the chance to escape from within the putrid mouth of the dragon. "Yeesh! Figures." Sindriss whined. Pixie and Flisk strolled in, the first with the latter on a leash. "Stupid mutt for sale. Anyone want him?" Pixie asked, rather desperately. Sora thought for a moment. "...Give him a few cookies and stand him up in front of that dragon." Pixie did so, and Flisk looked up at Sindriss, blinking as he munched a cookie. Sindriss growled. "Give… me… the… cookie…"

"NO!!" Flisk cried, clutching his precious.

-Grado-

"...You need him?" Riane sidestepped, letting the rubber chicken hit Fomortiis head-on."We wage the Authoress War off the set. Self-insertion gets tiring to readers after awhile." The mew blinked in suprise. "We have readers?" Then vanished in a puff of smoke. Fomortiis hugged Lucian, proudly announcing "I LOVE YOU, SON!!" Lucian growled.

Num, too, was gone."Hey! Offa Lucian, now!" Riane commanded the demon. Felix flourished his long brown hair at Riane. "Heya, sexy!"

Sheba growled and grabbed him by the neck. "No, you're MY devoted slave!"

Lyon turned into a wolf and bit the demon's arm, then fell off, howling in pain. "AH GOD, DO YOU EVER WASH?!?"

-Somewhere-

And what a show it was, as Flisk and Sindriss got into a bitchfight of epic proportions. Someone sighed. "I wonder where Mr. Albatross went?"

"Oh, Someone, I am right here, enjoying the bitchfight," responded Sir Robert Albatross.Sora offered Pixie some popcorn.

Someone glomped Mr. Albatross and was revealed to be Mia.Pixie fell madly in love with Sora.Flisk turned into a kitten and vicously destroyed Sindriss, who was even more of a loser then Flisk was.

-Grado-

"I don't give a crap." Riane dragged Lucian away. Meanwhile, Jenna was flirting with...WTF, Piers?

"PIERS!! Cute butt! I mean, b-boat!!" Jenna shrilled. Alex backed away.

"Oooh... Where are we going? OOOH DIRTY THOUGHTS!!" Lucian slapped himself across the face for sounding like Flisk.

Soren yelled angrily as Sheba enquired if he was hitting on Ike. "WE ARE COUSINSSS!! RAAAA!!"

Then Lyon, Soren, Legolas, and Lucius fell on the ground crying, because despite the fact that they were all drop dead sexy mages or archers, everyone thought they were gay girls.

A random keese chortled. "LyonxKnoll! SorenxIke! LegolasxGimli! LuciusxRaven!!" Aforementioned keese was instantly shot with all three types of magic, a bazillion arrows, and the angry attacks of all aforementioned non-yaoi pretty boys' girlfriends.

Afterwards, Riane helped Lucian up. "Try taking off your shirt." Lucian did so, looking at the ground almost shyly as he waited for Riane's reaction. His body was slim but beautiful, the outlines of his muscles showing faintly on his stomach. The ebony-feathered wings slowly emerged from his shoulders, folding neatly against his back.

-Somewhere-

Sora was oblivious to Pixie's sudden obsession, instead cheering Flisk on."Why, madam, I do believe you are Mia, of Golden Sun!" Sir Robert Albatross bowed, taking her hand. "It is an honor." Flisk turned into a platypus and beak-busted a howling Sindriss into the ground before shifting to a hippo and bouncing on his victim's tummy.

"Yes, that's me!" She giggled. "I sure hope you don't treat girls the same way the object of you're studies does!"

Hyrule

Old Man Crazy Scientist by the Lake cackled insanely at young Link, who was shoved into an empty fish tank. "A RAAARE SPECIMEN!!" He proclaimed proudly, putting a sign up next to the tank that said 'Bootius stupidius.' "Have some fish food, my little pet! Mmm!!" The scientist poured a half-galleon of goldfish flakes over Link, his bristly white moustache dancing in delight. Then the phone rang. Grumbling, the encetric old man picked it up.

"Hello?"

"YOSHI!!"

"What the hell?! Is that the codename for some kind of Japanese take over?!"

"YUM!"

"AHHHH!! THE JAPANESE ARE COMING!!"

A Secluded City

Nicole stood on an outcropping of a cliff, several miles above the sleepy little city below her. The many lights were like twinkling gems set against the dark night sky. A slow, sadistic grin spread over her face, an insane sparkle glinting in her eyes. "Tonight... I shall have my revenge. I was a Dracanian, once. My family, all of us... We sought to help you. And yet, despite all the good we did... You spurned us. And so much more. You hunted us down, killing us in the most qrotesque ways possible. We could have destroyed you, but we refused to fight, choosing exile. That wasn't good enough though, was it? You followed us into the desert... You slaughtered everyone. Not just the men, but the woman, the children... Everyone but me. I hate humans. Now, mortal scum, prepare for your Judgement Day!" A burst of hellfire enveloped the laughing girl, and then in her place stood an enormous ebony drake, feathered wings stretching out behind her. Bloody tears dripped to the ground as she launched herself into the black, inky sky...

Nicole, however, was wrong.

Humans were not the ones who had butchered her loved ones.

A certain nasty demon lord, however, was...


	15. Evil Moms & Sharpies & Retarded Hyrule

Hyrule

The Japanese indeed burst into the old man's lab and rescued YL. "No!! He's MY rare specimen!!" The old man screeched, flailing about wildly with his cane until a dodongo bit it into pieces. He stared at the reptile, who whimpered. "A RAAARE SPECIMEN!!" Poor dodongo. The poor dodongo was thrown in Link's fish tank.

Zelda and Vaati, meanwhile, had their own problems. A bunch of little imps were dancing around the pair, who were tied to a stake in the middle of a pile of straw. Their leader was wearing a ridiculous mask and gibbering about 'THE MOON!! MY MOON!! MY EVIIIIIIL MOON!! MWHAHAHA!!' Vaati looked curiously at an imp that was advancing with a burning torch. "I say, what do you suppose he's going to do with that flame, Zelda-kins?"

Zelda rolled her eyes.

"Hm, let's see, we're tied up in the middle of a bunch of flamable material, and a half-naked savage is approaching with a fiery stick. What could it all possibly MEAN?!"

Vaati shrugged. "I dunno."

Somewhere

Nicole sat on top of all that remained of a smoldering skyscraper, tail curled around herself, purring with satisfaction at her triumph, and waited for what she'd been looking for to emerge. Then a flicker of movement caught her eye, and she twisted her head. A mage of about eighteen, dressed all in white, with long, slightly spiky hair of the same color drawn back into a ponytail, crawled out from beneath the rubble and collapsed, exhausted. Nicole grinned, knowing she'd caught her prize, climbed down from her perch and poked at the still body, which was covered in blood. The mage groaned, a pair of white wings emerging momentarily on his back before fading away again. "Hello, Raphael..." She whispered softly. The mage stirred again, and she flipped him onto his back with a talon and pinioned him gently. He opened his eyes, staring fearfully up at her, but then his terror gave way to hatred. "Kill me! Everyone else... they're all... My family... finish it!!" He said, spitting at her. She tilted her head. "But that would make it kinda hard to date you, if you were dead and all..."

"What...?"

"Yup. I murdered your parents, siblings, and an entire city of innocents so that you would be just like me!! Which means we were MADE for each other!! ...Literally, in your case."

"What-you... You monster!!" He struggled feebly to free himself, and Nicole bent down and licked her captive's face, making him draw back in disgusted horror, knowing she had him trapped and helpless.

"Ouch. Try 'sweetie-pie' instead. Now lie down and rest, and I'll heal you up when we get home. Then, it's romantic movie time!!"

Raphael snarled, then sunk weakly back to the ground and lost consciousness. Nicole carefully picked him up and was about to fly away when a gargoyle wearing a scarf, baggy pants, and one of those cool flat british hats flew over. "Hey hey hey, Nicole!! You're lova's here!!" He said, attempting to smooch her. She screamed angrily. "GO AWAY, GIRIK!!"

"HEY, WHO'S THAT DUDE?! He's ADVANCIN' on MY property!!" He attempted to kick the fainted Raphael, and Nicole barely managed to slap him away in time. "Yo, he's all covered in ketchup!! You're ditching me for a SLOB?!"

"THAT ISN'T KETCHUP!!"

Somewhere

Sora fell over laughing, then pulled out a cell. The next thing, Innes popped out to YouTube the brawl."But of course not, madam!" Sir Robert Albatross kissed Mia's hand.

Mia giggled retardedly. Flisk and Sindriss did the Matrix.

Grado

Riane slapped herself. "Eheh...well, now no one will think you're a girl..."

Lucian sputtered. "Wha-what?! Who thinks I'm a girl?! Oh, wait..."

Lyon suddenly caught on. "Oh... But Lucian wasn't on the ground crying! That was Lucius, a girly-guy from the FE game BEFORE Sacred Stones."

A random link fell out of the sky to further clear things up - http://img. screamed and pulled at his long blonde hair. "SHIT!! THEY MADE ME LOOK LIKE A GIRL IN MY OFFICIAL ART!!" Soren patted him on the back. "Me too, me too."

The Wise One got fed up of waiting for Lucian to come and get the Golden Sun and dropped it on his head. Fomortiis, forgotten somewhere in the background, suddenly snapped back to normal, decided to try to kill Lyon, realized that his last two attempts hadn't gone so well, and slunk off to watch the Sindriss V.S. Flisk fight instead.

Somewhere

While Sir Robert Albatross and Mia were flirting in the background, Sora cheered and equipped Matrix garb, thus making him look very sexy indeed. Maybe a little TOO sexy. Hordes of fangirls starting sneaking ominously closer, Kairi at their front. Even Sindriss was caught staring at him before he remembered he was a dude, and the dragon slapped himself.

Grado

Riane blinked and looked up at the Golden Sun. "Isn't that putting to waste every and all scraps of drama scattered throughout this thing?" The Wise One screamed PMS-ly. "THEN YOU SHOULD'VE HAULED ASS TO WEYARD FASTER!!"

Lucian, in the background, stared fascinated at a strange machine he had just purchased from a hippie. It said "Instant Agefier" on the side. He cheered mentally. Now he could turn himself and Riane eighteen and start dating! He crawled into the box and pulled a switch, and there was a puff of smoke and a horrible screeching noise. Two seconds later a baby Lucian toppled out of the box. The diapered swordmaster blinked and then started to cry, shaking his rattle, his one pointy tooth sticking out at an odd angle.

Hyrule

Link, who had somehow turned himself into a non-zombie, stood on a rather obese donkey at one edge of a bridge hanging over a very deep void. A very fat goblin-thing with a kid tied to the shaft of his spear was on the other side, sitting on a sexy war-warthog. The two fighters screamed and galloped towards each other, and Link was totally pwned. Luckily, he mysteriously floated back up the the safety of the bridge... again. "WHOOO!! THAT'S SO AWESOME!! IT'S LIKE SKYDIVING, BUT BETTER!!" Link blithered as an invisible force hauled him up from the pit. Ezlo became extremely pissed at Link's continued failures, grabbed a Wii controller, and thus possessed him. He made Link shoot the retreating pig in the butt with bomb arrows, making it fall off the side of the bridge. Link cheered, then froze. "OH GODDESSESS THE KID!!!"

Felix, who had a thing for jumping off tall places to rescue innocent children, dove after the screaming boy. When he finally caught up to him, the child asked "Great. Now how do we get up again?" Felix blinked. "OH CRAP." And then proceeded to scream like a woman.

Somewhere

"What the friggin' mother is that?" Nicole shrieked. She wanted to get home and snuggle with her prisoner, who she would dress in a sexy, temptingly revealing open leather jacket and loose silk pants... all in black, of course... White and innocent was SOOO yesterday... 3

Raphael woke up again, and weakly writhed against his captor's hold. She rubbed her head against him, purring affectionately. "Now, whadya want? So WHAT if I burned down some skyscraper? I've never even HEARD of that battle!!"

Girik stuck his flat face very close to the Org. XIII member. "She's MY girl, mine, oh yah, you're scared now!!" He said, holding up his fists and making aggressive movements before he tripped over his own tail and fell unceremoniously on his face.

Hyrule

Fortunately for Felix, his sister appeared at the top of the bridge with a thirty-mile-long rope and the Lash Pebble.

In the background, Link was run over by a herd of stampeding cucoos...

"I am a Nobody. Not into relationships. Ma'am, I'll have to either fine you, or summon both Roxas AND Riku to utterly whoop your ass."

Somewhere

Girik screamed like a woman and fell over again like a dipstick. Nicole nonchalantly stroked Raphael's hair, and the poor mage shuddered at her touch.

"Oh yah? Just try! I know for a FACT that Riku and Sora are preoccupied right now!!"

Behind a nearby skyscraper, Riku stuck a sharpie up his nose and inhaled deeply. "Come on, Sora, man Sniff This dark shit, it's mad awesome!! Come on, try some!!" Darth Vader walked by in the background. "Just look what it did for me!!" The evil dude said proudly, pulling off his helmet to display his bald and mishapen head while waving his metal arm around. "Riku...for the last time, it's me, Ansem." Ansem was completely unfazed by the sharpie-ness.The Nobody confronting Nicole sighed. "In that case, I guess I must fight you." With that, he summoned a pink scythe. (thus revealing himself as Marluxia to the fans)Jenna paused to cheer for the cuccoos, then saved her brother. "That's the fifth time this week, Felix!"

Grado

Riane was about to reply to the PMS!Wise One, when she heard the crying. "What the...what the hell? Lucian! What did you do?"

Knoll walked over, wearing a rainbow afro. "It seems the machine backfired and babified him." Baby Lucian made 'goo-goo ga-ga' noises and bubbled drool happily.

"...What's with the afro?"

Knoll patted it. "It's to make hippies think I've converted, just in case they come around aga-"

A frantic Seth burst in, waving a turnip through the air, and smashed into Lyon. "OMG OMG ZOMG WE'RE UNDER ATTAAACK!!" He shrieked, wetting himself. "AT THE HARBOR ZOMG EVIL RAPTOR/SLIME/BAEL/GWYLLGI/HELLCAT (S) !!!"

Lyon waved his hands in the air, and a distressed smiley face appeared over his head. "Send out the wyverns!!"

Seth flushed. "But, milord, they were possessed by Satan, so I killed them all!" Lyon got a very evil expression on his face. "WTF?!" Cormag screamed as his wyvern poofed out of existence at this announcement. He was then tackled by Tana, who screamed and started pulling her unfortunate prisoner towards Random Bedroom 1. A certain blonde alchemist picked up the crying Lucian. "Uh... What do babies eat again? Bugs?" A large black wrestler wearing many golden chains shook his mohawked head. "Mr. T knows what babies eat, foo'! They drink MILK!!"

"DON'T SAY THE WORD!!" Ed howled.

Grado's Main Harbor

The sun sunk under the dark waters, giving away to a stormy and starless night. A lone crow cawed loudly from its perch on top of a half demolished building. The entire harbor had been destroyed, razed to the ground. All the inhabitants had fled for their lives or perished... The enemy had taken no prisoners. The massed forces could be seen crawling around the dark wharf as rain started to fall lightly. The army was composed of demons, leering, nightmarish creatures with bat like wings and fangs. They were riding an assortment of equally ferocious monsters... Gwyllgis, Baels, and two new types of foe. One were the Vriin, creatures resembling the raptors of yesteryear, but with the wings of dragons. Quill like spines sprouted from the back of the thin heads, their tongues flicking out from beneath glowing yellow eyes. The pitch black animals had powerful legs with sharp talons on the end, and small hands with only three fingers. The other new beast was the Hellcats. Wiry, tiger-like creatures with spiky fur, six legs, and four pupil less eyes that could freeze any who gazed into them with fear, they crouched sphinx-like throughout the deserted town. But the most dreadful of the creatures were the three largest ones sprawled asleep in the main plaza. Shaped rather like slugs, they were covered in slime that would ensnare, suffocate, and digest any unfortunate wretch who made contact with it. They were covered in glowing red runes, which shone brightly through their covering of mucus. And the leader of this hellish army, and the sole rider of the slimy Nyglus, was standing facing the sea. Like her niece, she had long white hair that fanned lazily in the night air, which was warm and heavy with the smell of burning buildings. She wore only a simple white dress, and two angel like wings emerged from the back… blood dripped slowly from the pure white feathers, and trickled down the corner of her mouth, which was twitched upwards in an insane grin, hiding her pointed teeth. Her eyes were closed, and she stood there, a serene figure in the midst of the chaos around her. She was one of the Fallen, and her name was Auril.

And she was Lucian's mother.

Somewhere

"Errr...Kairi! I pick Kairi!" Sora blurted, taking said Kairi by the hand and shooing away the other fangirls. Kairi squealed and wiggled her way into Sora's shirt, where she started signing her name on his chest in permanent ink. Fomortiis and Voldemort got into a friendly conversation about torture methods in the background. "Kairi! What are you...?" Sora stopped dead. "...Is that Sharpie?" "Mmm... Sora, you smell SEXY!!" Kairi squealed and bounced up and down, making Sora nearly fall over. "Yes, that's a sharpie... A PURPLE sharpie..." Fomortiis mused.

Riku giggled and continued to address Ansem as Sora.

"Pink!! That's cute!!" Nicole sneered, setting her once more unconscious captive gently on the ground and binding him with magic. "I'll teach YOU to fear the color pink!" She cried before promptly turning into a large, pink, and evil-looking dragon with manicured nails. She swiped at Marluxia, but missed and hit the ground instead. She shrieked. "I THINK I BROKE A NAIL!!!"

Hyrule

Felix shrugged. Then Garet bounced over to Jenna, a rose clutched tightly between his teeth. "I wuff ju! I wike fiar!" He said, his words muffled by the flower. Felix kicked him off the ledge for hitting on his sister. Link played Saria's song near a pasture where a herd of cows were grazing and was promptly shot with a geyser of milk.


	16. Crazy Crap

Somewhere

"PURPLE?!? Kairi...what have you done to me?!" Sora looked like he was about to melt into a puddle of misery. "Oh shoosh, purple is SO kawaii!!" She drew a purple mustache on his face, and then added a big heart around his eye. "No! Not the face!!" Sora wailed. "Now my smexyness is RUIN'D!" Kairi snorted. "What smexyiness? You were hot once, but then Roxas came around." She jumped off Sora and football tackled Roxas. Namine growled dangerously.

"Ansem. Spelled A-N-S-E-M. It sounds nothing like Sora." Ansem was starting to get ticked. "I was the one who got you on that darkness stuff in the first place.""Oh, you did?" Marluxia paused to examine his own nails. "See, I use fifty two brands of nail protector...daily."

"Whateva, Sora. You know, the fangirls tried to make me fall in love with you?! Isn't that WEIRD?!" He said, giggling drunkenly and holding up an "I am high" sign. With a 'shwoop' noise, the marker was absorbed completely into his nostril.

"I don't mean to complain, but would someone mind rescuing me?" Raphael said, drumming his fingers against the ground with an angsty expression on his face.

Ansem winced and backed away from the intoxicated Riku. "Get the hell away from me.""Hm? Oh, right." Even though that wasn't what he had come for in the first place, Marluxia decided to go ahead and rescue Raphael.

Riku tottered after. "MESNA, DON'T LEAAAVE!!"

Nicole squealed indignantly and threw herself on Raphael. "NOES, HE'S MINE!!!" She hissed and clawed the air like a kitty.

But Ansem wasn't looking back. "Least he's not calling me Mansex yet..."Little did he know he was walking right into the battle..."Yeah, like broken nails are gonna do anything," Marly scoffed. "...Ah, look, it's Riku."

Riku's face brightened. "MAAANSEX!!"

While her opponent was distracted, Nicole turned into a large dragon and lovingly tried to remove Marly's head from his shoulders.

HysculeJenna made a very rude gesture at Garet as he tumbled downward, then continued on her quest for hot bish who liked fire. That fat goron dude who is the sage of fire ran over to Jenna and thwacked his chest. "Me like fire! Me like pretty girl!! Uh uh you want me!!"

"You're not a hot dude. Buzz off." Jenna flicked the Goron into another bottomless chasm. At that moment, a sleepy-looking swordmaster with long red hair and a smexy hat walked by. "Mmm... fire. I bet there's a hot girl around here... Get it, hot?!" Joshua laughed, rather sexily. Jenna whipped right around. "EEEEEEEE! Smexy boy!" A blonde cleric pulled out a meat cleaver and foamed at the mouth. "Joshua... mine..." Jenna blinked. "How'd we get here?" Natasha explained. "You were trying to hit on MY Joshua!" She threw the cleaver at Jenna. While this beotch fight was going on, Joshua and Sheba had a make out scene. Ivan roared angrily. Jenna melted the cleaver and fried Natasha to a crisp. Ivan slapped Joshua with a stick.

Somewhere

"Oh yeah, way to spoil everything," a demon commented. A demon by the name of Sparky. "...Crap! I just did!"

"Sparky?" A demon who was named Fluffypinkngay sniggered. Auril waited patiently, still smiling sadistically, relying on the randomness of this story to drop either Lucian, Riane, or Lyon in front of her, via plot hole. "Oh, can it, Fluffypinkngay!" A Vriin broke the deadly evilness of the army by singing 'Since U Been Gone' at the top of its lungs.

Fluffypinkngay took the expression a little too literally and stuck a large soup can over his head. Auril waited patiently...

Grado teh WalnutA phone came flying out of the blue and hit Ed square in the jaw. Riane called after it: "Shrimpy! It's your brother."

Lucian belched so hard he fell over backwards, and then he grew back to his proper age. "Wow... that was weird."

Ed worriedly asked if Al had been kidnapped to serve as a bodyguard for a certain authoress again."You okay, Lucian?" Riane asked worriedly, as a plothole appeared nearby."No, I didn't get kidnapped, Brother. I was just wondering where you had gone, that's all...sniff Okay, so I think I caught some Angst Flu or something..." Al whined.

Mr. T envied Al's ponytail-like thing. So he tried to pull it off of Al's head. Lucian smiled at Riane. "I'm fine... "

The plothole waited eagerly to see which poor wretch would fall through it. "WAAAAAUGH!" came through the phone. "BROTHER! HELP!"Riane looked up. "Hey, Lucian, look. It's a plothole." Ed would have loved to help, but the midget-sized alchemist was swept away in a crowd of dancing hula girls...

Artur flushed. "Yes, that would be because of me..."

"Shall we?" Lucian said, extending his hand, a rose clamped firmly in his teeth.

Somewhere

Sora also growled. "I'm not hot anymore because you drew all over me! Dammit!" He grabbed some Sharpie Remover and applied some to himself.All of creation lurched when Sora uttered the word "dammit".

The fangirls burst into tears. "OUR E-RATED HERO SWORE!!!" Cloud stumbled in the background, and his choboco was butchered by Mickey D's. "FUUUCK!!"

The fangirl's cries were now deafeningly loud.

Sir Robert Albatross used a TV remote to mute the fangirls before continuing his make-out session with Mia.In other good news, the sharpie marks were gone, and Sora was once again very, very sexy.

So sexy, in fact, that he was kidnapped by none other then... YUFFIE?!?

"Yuffie...put me down, PLEASE!" Yuffie shook her black-haired head vigorously. "Everyone's always laughing at me for being a ninja!! But if I'm dating YOU, then I'll be..." Dollar signs appeared in her eyes. "FAMOUS!!"

"Like I even get paid for the stuff I go through..."

Yuffie dropped Sora like a sack of potatoes. "I know, but the fangirl's will pay my ransom of 1 Million $ to rescue you!!" She cackled madly and locked Sora in her basement.

Unfortunately for her, both Marly and Ansem ducked, resulting in the beheading of Riku instead.Ansem cheered.Marluxia stared at Nicole. "What did you just _do_?!" She shrugged. "Killed off a needless minor character. Don't get so excited." Every DDR system in existence sighed in relief. "Says who, BIATCH?!" Nicole screamed and clutched at Raphael, who made a flattened noise.

"Tell that to the fangirls." Marly pointed out an advancing horde.Ansem ran for his pathetic life.

At that moment, radioactive hippos started falling from the sky. Nicole screamed, grabbed Raphael, and ran for her life.

Grado Harbor

Meanwhile, poor Al was torn to pieces. Pity poor Al.Riane took the hand. "Why not?" They were about to learn 'why not.' Two seconds after they stepped out of the portal, they were tied, gagged, and hanging upside down from a tree while Fluffypinkngay poked at them with sharp objects. Auril strode over and smiled sleepily up at her son, tousling his black hair as he made indignant muffled noises. "Shh, my little raven... Mother's here now." Then she snapped her fingers, and one of the slimy monsters stirred, raising its head sleepily, before sniffing hungrily at Riane. Lucain snarled. Auril smiled, her eyes closed again. "A human...? Go ahead, Simiax, dinner..."

"WHAAAAAAT?!"

Riane tried to squirm away, before, as a last ditch effort, she spit out her gag and yelled, "I taste like dog shit!"Silly Riane! She should have known that slimy animals LOVE dog shit!!Simiax licked Riane's face. "Juicy sweet..." it hissed, fangs flashing, drool dripping down its muzzle. An indignant Gollum popped up. "THAT'S MY LINE!!" Gollum was promptly murdered by an enraged Samwise.

"Go ahead, Simiax, eat... It pains me to know that you fell in love with such as this, my child..." she cooed, half to her nightmarish pet and half to her son.

Grapefruit Grado

Lyon was too busy reading the seventh Harry Potter book to notice what was happening to his daughter. "Milord, should I ready the troops?" Duessel asked, pulling on his ferocious My Lil' Pony battle armor. Lyon waved his hand vaguely. "Uh-huh, whatever... OH GOD, THEY KILLED !!!" Lyon then strangled carrot head after he found out that Eirika was supposed to fall in love with him if you follow the original plot line... Al ran in through the wall, the little ponytail-thing now gone. "WAAAAUGH!"

Somewhere

"Yeah, you'd better run!" A random dusk sprinted for its hide.

Namine paused and chewed on her Roxas plushie. "Why are we running, again?"


	17. Red LinkxBlue Link?

"Radioactive hippos and angry fangirls!" An Assassin Nobody named Kaxdaj sprinted past her. "What could be worse?!"Ysuran randomly popped up and decided that Riku would make a very nice undead minion. Lyon fell out of a plothole and tried to necromance Riku first, as well as several of the flattened hippos.

Harbor

Yuffie was too busy chatting with her cousins, the Power Rangers, to notice silly Sora's screams.

Harbor

Auril smiled. The slug-like creature drew back its head and struck. Lucian roared, his body reforming into his demonic shape-an immense black serpent with a heavily horned head, a spiked spine, and feathered wings. The ropes binding him burst instantly, and he lunged in front of Raine, blade-tipped tail severing her bonds with a flick. The mucus-covered brute's fangs sunk deep into Lucian's neck, and he screamed, a shrill cry of fury, and bit back. The two snake-like creatures wrapped around one another in a deadly embrace, striving to crush the life out of each other. Lucian struck like lightning, repeatedly burying his teeth into his opponent's slippery flesh. He drew back for another assault, but his mouth wouldn't open... It was sealed shut with the sticky ooze enveloping his foe. But worse then being unable to attack was being unable to breathe. He lashed frantically at his face, trying to wipe away the slime with his tail, but it was useless.

He coughed, choking, and whipped his tail around, piercing through his enemy's blunt skull and killing it instantly. Then he collapsed on the ground.

The last thing he saw was Riane...

And then everything went dark.

Hyrule

Jenna was too busy glomping Joshua to care.But Tatl took photos. And tattled on them to Father MacGregor...

...Who promptly rose from the grave and smited Link. Joshua and Jenna, meanwhile, were suddenly attacked by savages and carted off to be burned at the stake with Vaati and Zelda... But these weren't any average savages...They were YAOI FANGIRLS!!!!And Jenna, being a Mars Adept, was unfazed by the fire. Vaati, Zelda, and Joshua, however, were nearly cooked before the yaoi fangirls threw them in cages. Zelda was put with... Tetra? Joshua with Caellach, and Vaati with Link. Riku was in a cage that they were going to put Sora in, and Garet was in a cage with HIMSELF. A yaoi fangirl cackled. "GIVE IN!! YOU CANNOT RESIST THE SAME GENDER!!" Suddenly, an angry mob of normal fangirls attacked the yaoi ones... Jenna decided this was an excellent time to hunt down Axel and convince him to go out with her. Axel was being cornered by fangirls, and a confused-looking Roxas was pushed into his arms. Axel and Roxas screamed. "THIS IS SOOO WRONG!!" Axel picked up Roxas and threw him at the fangirls. While the fangirls were preoccupied with the flung Roxas, Jenna kept them at bay with a handy flame wall and proceeded to hit on Axel. Axel fell madly in love with Jenna, and they had a hot kissing session... literally hot. The normal fangirls freed everyone else in the meantime. Whilst the yaoi fangirls writhed in pain at being burnt...and at the straight pairing.Yes, there was love between two pyros.One didn't have a heart, though.So Jenna suggested they cut the grass in the presence of Legend of Zelda characters. Because everyone knows you get hearts by cutting grass. "THAT'S BRILLIANT!!" Axel said, beaming. But then he was suddenly overcome by angst. "But you can't love me... For I... am named after a part of a car!!" He burst into fiery tears.

Somewhere

Which resulted in a war of the necros.What they didn't count on is Sephiroth to happen by with the Tomegathericon from Golden Sun and make Riku undead first. Lyon paused to announce something important in the hopes that Riane and Leon would hear. "Hey kids... We adopted you another sibling! Meet Pixie, isn't she precious? Come here, Pixie, and give your daddy a hug-"

Pixie screamed and set Lyon on fire.

"Silly necro, Pixie isn't up for adoption!" Tatl snickered. Wait--Tatl?! "Tatl? Does that mean I'm in Hyru-" Lyon was instantly run over by a herd of stampeding moblins, who were trying to catch a certain large, masked bird for their chicken dinner... "Technically, this is Termina," Tatl explained. "But there's a convenient plothole right there."

"No, no, we haven't abused Termina yet, this is good!" Lyon said quickly. Young Link ran over and attempted to kill the necro. "DARK MAGIC BAAAD!!"

"NOT TRUE!!" Lyon squeaked, running away from the deranged juvenile.

Then Young Link was tripped by another Young Link in purple. "Green. The others are looking for you." Greeny swore. "Purple, red Link had a sex change and fell in love with blue Link... WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?!"

Lyon, meanwhile, was 'recruited' by Davy Jones. Knoll was already on the evil fish dude's ship, looking angsty, as usual. Davy Jone's many tentacles did a little tap dance. "AFTER THAT BUTT!!" He screamed, pointing at Pier's ship. Lyon and Knoll lamented their lives in the background.

Yuffie's Basement

Sora slumped against the closet walls and sighed. Well, drastic times called for drastic measures...He pulled out a shovel Keyblade randomly and began digging. A fat thing that looked like a mole popped out of the ground and berated Sora. Apparently the mole was the sole antagonist of a game called Animal Crossing... Sora hit the mole over the head and continued digging. Yuffie froze. "I hear noises... I THINK MY PRISONER IS ESCAPING!! I HAVEN'T EVEN PUT HIM UP ON E-BAY YET!!" She promptly sent ninja-frogs to re-subdue Sora... Once cornered by ninja frogs, Sora promptly replied, "I'm not escaping. I'm digging my own grave." The ninjafrogs decided this was acceptable and left. Afterwards, Sora continued digging his "grave". His grave, however, started to look like an escape tunnel. Yuffie decided to capture Leon, not Lyon's son but the gunblade-wielding scarred sexy dude, not to sell on E-Bay, but rather for her own glomping needs... And Sora dug to freedom.Or, more notably, to an island outside the chaotic harbor Piers's boat was located.Harbor"Lucian...?" Riane approached cautiously, attempting to wipe away some of the gunk.

Lucian blinked and sneezed before licking the slime off himself. "I-I'm okay... Hey, this stuff tastes like Jello! That is so cool-" Auril promptly appeared behind him and hit him over the head with a frying pan, lovingly, of course! She then smiled nastily at Riane. "I'm taking my darling little raven home with me... Unless, mortal, you think you can best me in a swordfight?" With this statement, Auril pulled a blade out of thin air and pointed it tauntingly at Riane.Riane smirked, drawing twin blades. "Hell knows I can't resist a challenge." Auril screamed a war cry and lunged at Riane. Some emus and monkeys waved pom-poms in the background. God knows how the emus did it, considering they don't have hands, but oh well... Riane sidestepped, expecting the randomness of the fanfic to strike for her.

And indeed, it did. Auril screamed as a large rock shaped like a smiley face fell on top of her. She whined. "Why can't anyone be seriously evil anymore?!" Soren sighed. "If you want to be seriously evil, go find someone named Stephen King."

Piers's boat is in the harborRiane began to file her nails. "I'm just taking advantage of the randomness of the authoresses."

Lucian jumped up on the boat too, which started to sail away to... somewhere. Piers tried to do a Jack Sparrow impersonation but failed. Badly. "See?" said Riane, appearing on board. "Randomness. Plotholes everywhere." "There are so many plotholes that this story has become unstable..." A sexy, black-winged genius named Folkon mused in the background. Piers drank too much rum and fell over wasted. Meanwhile..."Heeeey!" Sora waved to the boat of the wasted Piers. "Someone! Let me on board!"Riane peeked overboard. "Oh geez..." Lucian, meanwhile, rummaged around for whatever Piers had been drinking...

The Demon Realm

Auril and Fomortiis exchanged nervous glances, then knocked on the door of their third child's bedroom. Ezekiel, who was standing near them, glowered. "This will bring doom on all of you..."

"Shut up, prophet! At least Formotiss 1 likes you!!" The Demon King growled. Ezekiel sighed. "And naming one of your children after a sexier version of your name wasn't good enough? At least Formotiss 2 calls himself Lucian now..." A tortured scream rang out from Formotiss' bedroom, and a few delighted peals of laughter rang through the air, but stopped abruptly as Auril knocked again. The door opened a crack, and two glaring red eyes appeared in the darkness. "What do you want, old man? I'm playing a game right now..." Another agonized cry. "Pops has need of your destructive talents..." Ezekiel announced, bored. He buried his face back into a several thousand page book. Evil genius-prophets love reading! Formotiss chuckled and stepped out of his room, the door closing with a final-sounding thud behind him. He looked just like Lucian, only a year older, and much more sadistic. He fingered his cross. "So, you want me to go fetch my wayward brother, eh? Or should I say... Weyard brother..." A penguin fell onto the floor in front of him, thanks to another plothole. One glance from the sexy demon set it mercilessly on fire, and the anguished screams of penguin lovers everywhere echoed in the background. Indeed, there were few things as evil as penguin killers... This boded ill for Lucian, indeed! Once Formotiss had left, Lute, Artur, and an army of penguins burst into his room. A thief of about fifteen was shackled in the corner, hyperventilating with fear and pain. Lute squealed and freed him with a burst of magic, then swept the traumatized rogue into her arms. "LET'S ADOPT HIM!!" Artur blinked. "But... he's only like four years younger then us!!" Lute ignored him and tried to give her 'baby' a bottle of chocolate milk.

Hyrule

"I prefer the name Vio," growled the purple Link. "And what we do is go fight Ganon. Because they'll have to snap out of it then if they value their lives."

"Okay, purps!" Greeny said, oblivious to Vio's anger. Red swooned and fell into his/her/it's lovers arms in the background.

Ganon's castle

Ganon mwhahaha'd. Vaati wondered how he'd ended up here. Zant burped the ABC's.


	18. The Woes of Riane's Lovers

Purple/Vio burst in, looking all heroic. And dragging Green after. "We're going to pwn you now, sirs." And he promptly pwned Zant. Ganon laughed insanely and threw a large, flightless bird at green, smushing him into the floor. Red and blue started singing 'Ring around the Rosie' while Vaati shrieked a spell that summoned the drunken Navi's to ATTACK!! But the Drunken Navis were on lunch break. With Ganon and Green Link not really doing anything, and Vio smushed, a lull in the action appeared... "No, I smushed Greeny, not Vio!" Ganon pouted. The charred remains of Zant screamed insults at no one in particular. Red and Blue's zealous dancing smashed Vaati against the wall. "I chose to smush myself," Vio replied simply. "It's kind of a 'there is no spoon' type phenomenon." At that moment, a Neo fell out of a plothole. "This is not the real world. Come with me. I will show you the truth." He said dramatically. "Shut up, Neo. I like the truth, and I like smushing myself." Ganon let out a rabid scream and flew ninja-like at Blue and Red. "NOOOOO!" screamed the wall dramatically, flinging itself in the way. Ganon smacked into it, producing a satisfying smacking noise.

-Hyrule-

"Oh, yes I can!" Jenna comforted. "Here...I'll even cut the grass for you, to show my love!"

But unfortunately, what popped out was not a heart, but a very pissed minish… with a hose!!

Jenna stepped on the Minish, and ground her foot into the ground until there was a satisfying "squelch". And she proceeded to find a heart. "Here, see, Aku-chan?" Axel stuffed it into his chest and he and Jenna did a sexy little dance. That's when Ansem and Zexion showed up. "HEARTS!!!" The grass sighed. It was in for a lot of abuse today... Soon, the Organization had set up a huge lawn mower and were happily collecting hearts. Malificent came over and bitched at everyone. Before Malificent was crushed by the random popping up of Sora. "Haha! YES! Finally!" A random elephant popped up beside Sora. But this was no ORDINARY elephant... It was a wish-granting elephant!! And that's when Sora realized...this whole thing was a SIDEQUEST! Still, he acted casual. "Hello, wish-granting elephant."

"Peanut." Replied the elephant knowingly.

"Huh whut?" Axel said, confused. The elephant gave him a pitying look.

"Peanut."

"Wha the...?"

-Ocean-

Riane threw Sora a rope, and he scrambled on board. "Phew...thanks."

"No prob...oh, and just ignore Lucian over there. He wants to get drunk, even though there's no rum left. It takes Piers around 300 bottles to get wasted," Riane monotone'd. Lucian sulked, then realized that getting drunk and vomiting, as cool as that would be, was not going to give Riane the 'I'm a cool dude' impression he wanted her to have of him. Suddenly, a guy who looked like an older version of Lucian popped out of a plot hole, yawning boredly. Lucian hissed. "My brother who stole my old name, curse the curr!!" Suddenly, a certain fishy-captained ship shot a hole into Pier's. Lyon and Knoll made cute squeaky noises and switched ships.

Of course, Piers's ship was the Almighty Lemurian Ship of Lemuria, and thus could regenerate. And it did.

Riane was utterly confused by all the sudden people popping up. "Huh whut?" The authoress' gave Riane a few quiet minutes to adjust to the randomness...

-Grado-

Seth was excited!! Eirika was looking RIGHT AT HIM!! Maybe she would say she loved him!!

"That is one sexy..."

Seth's heart skipped a beat.

"PONY!!" Seth fell off his horse, pwned. Eirika went over and cuddled his horsey.

Of course, his horsey, contrary to popular (Seth's) belief, was not possessed by Satan.

It was Satan.

And somewhere far in the distance, Tales of Symphonia loomed...

LOOM.

LOOM.

FRUIT OF THE LOOM.

Fomortiis popped up and spoke to the horse. "FATHER?!?"

-Pier's boat-

Jack Sparrow murdered fishface. Formotiss took advantage of Riane's stunnedness to sneak up and kiss her gently on the cheek in a sexy, vampire-before-he-kills-you Judas kinda way... Actually, Formotiss WAS a vampire, with seductive charm. NOT GOOD. Lucian and Lyon both emitted steam... literally. And then Riane slapped Formortiss. "Eugh! You drool too much! And I don't appreciate just randomly being kissed, dumbass!"

-somewhere-

The horse scowled at its most disappointing son, before trotting off.

And the impending wave of Tales of Symphonia-ness washed over Fomortiis.

-Boat-

Formotiss went from flirting to angry real fast. How DARE that insolent human wench slap HIM, prince of all things sexy and evil?! Lucian lol'd in the background. Eirika fell out of another plothole and started making out with Lyon. And that's when the universe, full of too many plotholes, collapsed.

-Some Dark, Spooky Place That Doesn't Exist-

"Huh?"

"Where are we?"

"KISS ME, LYON!!"

A commanding voice boomed out over them all. "You are in prison for stupidity! No plotholes can come into exsistence to free you here! Your trial before the Grand Court of Aliens From Various Movies shall begin tomorrow!!"

"Eh...heh." Riane pawed around in the darkness. "Hey! A light switch!"

"TURN IT OFF!!" Lyon howled, already with his shirt off. Eirika screamed the same thing. But they were ignored, as everyone was too busy staring at the other thing in the prison. Which was a nest of large, man-eating spiders. Go figure. Riane glanced at the other switches on the wall. "There's a 'Smite Man-Eating Spider' switch..." Knoll, unable to help himself, pressed the 'Cookie' switch. Millions of cookies started to pour into the cell, which was really cool, until everyone realized that they were going to be crushed beneath them... how ironic. Eirika shrieked and clung to shirtless Lyon. "I don't want to die a virgin!!"

"But you AREN'T a virgin, sugarplum!" Knoll popped up and said brightly "I'm one! Kiss me, Eirika!!"

But Riane turned off the "Cookie" switch. "Well, at least we won't starve." Lyon let out a dramatic gasp. Knoll pushed him so that he rolled down the mound of cookies, then attempted to smooch a shrieking Eirika. An alien named Mr. Jenkins grabbed Lucian and Riane-it was their turn to show up in court. "MOOOOOM! I'm being kidnapped by aliens!!!" Riane shrieked. Eirika and Lyon were too busy in the resumed darkness to overly care. The alien judge pointed a slimy green finger at Riane. "You, girl! Is it true that you have particapated in randomness such as blending Golden Sun and Fire Emblem?!" Suddenly another alien shrieked. "It's not their fault, it's the authoress'! THEY MUST BE BURNED AT THE STAKE!!" And so the aliens set everyone free and ran off to find a certain pink pokemon and purple-haired ghostie...

-Hyrule-

Vio cackled. Suddenly, a Tales of Symphonia character flew out of nowhere and smacked into Vio, producing another pleasant sound. Said character was Colette, the angel who trips over her own feet. Vio flicked her back into her own fandom. Vio was then attacked by a mob of hamsters, who carted him and the other Zelda characters deep into the Hamster Hole of Hell, where they would be the main course of this year's Furry Feast!! -Gaspeth- "...Well, this sucks," quoth Vio. They were thrown at the feet of an overly obese hamster named Hamtaro. He cackled insanely, blubber jiggling. "Shall we fry you, or mash you, or pickle you?! So many choices!!" His fat little toes wiggled in delightful anticipation. Red Link let out a high-pitched, feminine scream. "How about you let us go without hurting us?" Vio suggested. Hamtaro's mind was overwhelmed with too many possibilities, and he burst into flames. FLUFFY flames!!

Needless to say, the other hamsters were ticked and threw everyone in a giant oven.

"NUUUUU!" wailed the Green Link. Vio read a book and tried to ignore Red and Blue.

-Somewhere-

"I...don't have any," Sora replied. The elephant beamed. "That is the question. Now, what is the answer?" All this philosophical peanut talk made Axel burst into flames. Jenna proceeded to molest the burning Axel.

Sora thought for a moment. "...To...get you a peanut." The elephant nodded sagely.

In the background, another person wasn't quite as good with genies...

"I shall gwant you twee wishes!!"

"First, I wish my head wasn't so small and my body wasn't so big." Said the small-headed big-bodied dude.

"Done!" Now the guy was a bigheaded pinbody.

"Uh... I wish my body and head were normal!"

"Sheesh... done."

"Um... I wish my body and head were back to the way they were before my first wish."

"Aye aye aye... Good gweif."

And the stupid man went away, contented.

Sora summoned a peanut. "Uh...there."

"YOU HAVE TWEE WISHES!!" The elephant bellowed. "And no wishing for more, cheater!"

"Hmmm...I wish...that Kairi will think I'm smexier than anyone or anything else for eternity!" He proclaimed. "Done!" Kairi ran over and slobbered lovingly over her idol.

"Two to go! If you were a REALLY nice person, you would wish for Link(s) and friends to be saved from the evil hamsters!!"

Sora shrugged. "Eh, why not? I can't think of anything else." A plothole opened up and dumped everyone on Sora. Kairi squealed jealously. Only SHE was allowed to touch!!

"MINEEE!!" Blue Link shrieked, spotting the elusive wish-granting mammal.

"Hey!" Sora shouted. "I had to go through a philosophical hell for that elephant! Kairi! KILL!"

What with the inclusion of "hell" in his sentence, he didn't need to tell Kairi to attack. Kairi began gnawing on Blue Link's arm while Red Link went berserk and grabbed an axe. The elephant watched, somewhat frightened. Not to mention creation lurched when Sora had said "hell" a few sentences back.

Sora seemed scared by the axe as well. "N-nevermind! Kairi, get back here! Please?" There was then a highly intense battle scene in which emus were trampled, penguins were thrown, and the elephant was stabbed with an axe and several cucumbers. In the end, Sora swept up Kairi and fled. "For the love of..." he panted once safe. "What's gotten into them?!" Little did Sora know that something HAD gotten into them. A small type of fly, related to the wooly rhino, for some reason, had recently bitten all of the Legend of Zelda characters. And this fly just happened to be carrying RIOFW disease... Random Insanity of Fangirl's Whims disease.

-Somewhere-

Riane shrugged. "Sucks to be them."

"Sucks to be you, actually." Said Formotiss casually, wandering over with a doughnut. "It's time to destroy you for rejecting my advances, girly. And then to drag my little brother back home." Formotiss laughed. "Actually, that's not going to happen. You see, I've already seduced the authoress who writes the longer paragraphs. She's a complete retard, but charming her did have some use... such as making me undefeatable while in this fanfic!" He grinned triumphantly. Riane flipped the "Invincibility" switch to the Off position. "Anything else?"

"Just that." He said, gesturing casually behind Riane. And that, my dear children, is when the blood dragon pounced. Riane found herself pinned. "...Well, this is uncomfortable..." Formotiss ROFL'd.

"Take her to my bedroom!! My EVIL bedroom!! Mwhaha-"

"SHE'S ONLY THIRTEEN, YOU PERV!!"

"Well, I'm only fourteen too, and if I'm a virgin, Lute'll be after my blood. Besides, she's wicked cute! She'll make an adorable vampire!"

"I'LL SAVE YOU, RIANE!!"

"Oh no you shan't. Super wedgie!!" Formotiss cackled and began tormenting his wikkle sibling in various shameful ways. "Nooooo!" Riane wailed dramatically. "Don't hurt him!" But it was far too late. Lucian was far gone mentally, wandering around in a traumatized daze with his underwear on his head, clown-face makeup on his face, flowers in his hair, rubber duckies in his pants, and wearing a frilly pink dress. Riane was tossed onto the Large Demonic Bed of all things Lovey-Wuvey. Formotiss cackled before shutting and locking the door. "I'll be back for you in a second, my sweet! But first... Oh Luuucian... Remember Mr.Snugglywums, your teddy bear?! He misses yooou!!" He called in a sing-song voice. Lucian let out an agonized shriek. A familiar brown-haired head popped up beside Riane. "Hey, it's me, babe! I'm Formotiss' new pet! Kewl, huh?" Flisk announced proudly, showing off his collar, which had 'Mr.McFuckwit' written on the tag and waving his shackled hand to say hello. Then he got a blank, dreamy look on his face. "Waitaminute... There's you... and me... in a room... widda bed..." Pixie then appeared, shrieked in a deranged manner, and began to beat the ever-living shit out of Flisk for being an unfaithful he-slut.

-Hyrule-

And the only cure was an elixir made from molotov cocktails, hair from the nostril of a god, and Splenda.

Sora knew none of this, poor soul. Mr. Shrinkydinks, however, did...

And he already had one of Fomortiis' nostril hairs!!

-Somewhere-

"Saay...hold off a moment." Riane smirked cunningly. "Flisk...I know another room with a bed...Say, why don't we go there?"

"ZOMG rly 1337ne$$!!" Flisk then smashed his way through the walls with his head and many repeatings of the word 'OWIE!!', making a convenient escape route. Formotiss burst into the room a moment later, chocolates and flowers in his arms. He howled.

"NNNNNUUUUUZZZZ!!"

Lucian giggled in the background, where he was drinking tea.

"I am MRS. NESBIT!!"

The evil robot smiled and shook Sora's hand warmly before saying in a metallic voice "I will destroy you now have a nice day!" "Er..." Sora pulled out a chainsaw Keyblade and destroyed the robot. Then a large, rainbow colored monkey kidnapped Kairi and brought her back to the lair of its employer... AKA, Riku's house!!

Sora gasped surprised-ly, then went on an epic quest to find Riku.

...Riku, whose monkeys had also kidnapped Riane. And boy, was she pissed.

-Under WHERE?!-

Formotiss howled in anguish and applied more gothic make up to himself. His brother, who was suspended upside down from the ceiling, said boredly "Maybe if you'd stop cutting yourself and being emo, we could have some brotherly bonding time."

A bat popped out of nowhere. "Don't share razors with other emos, Formortiss! You could get AIDS!"

Knoll ran in and snatched the razor. "MY emo self-mutilating device!!"

Formotiss collapsed on the ground and moaned about how he couldn't live without his 'Riane-wany.'

"I have AIDs!!" The bat announced cheerily in the background.

"I shall save her!!" Formotiss shouted excitedly. "Then, she will fall madly in love with me!!"

Lucian sniffed.

"She's MY girlfriend!!"

"But, little brother, men are so much more your type!"

"WHAAAAAT?!?"

-Other Place-

Meanwhile, after a series of long and rather random events, Flisk lay on the ground, having died after heroically saving Pixie from an enraged baby piggy and then accidentally stabbing hisself in the ass with his own sword. Pixie sobbed over the lifeless body, which was still handsome even in death. "Oh F-Flisk... I never admitted it, but... I've a-always l-loved you..." Flisk popped up and kissed a startled Pixie smack on the lips, then crowed "I KNEW it!!" Pixie swelled to a titanic size, her face going an ugly shade of purple. Flisk gulped. "I-I don't think pixies are s-supposed to b-be that c-color!!" And Innes was YouTubing every moment of Flisk's idiocy. A few hours later, what was left of Flisk decided that dating gothic pixies was a veeery tricky business as she pushed him out on a plank hanging over a sea of boiling lava. That's when the Light of Inspiration struck Flisk. Why not try to win Riane...again? Yeees, she would LOVE his new furry-collared, furry-sleeved jacket!! It had FRILLS, for God's sake!! He happily skipped off to find his beloved.

-House-

Meanwhile, Riku laughed rather manically. "Now, my two beautiful captives, shall we take a bubble bath or watch Simpsons reruns until our heads explode?!"

Riane thought for a moment. "How about...you let us go and catch yourself Sora instead?" Riku snorted. "And give the yaoi fangirls a chance to make naughty things happen? No way!"

Riane silently cursed. "Okay...how about...I'll, uh, give you a box of Sharpies if you let us go. You were high when you got killed before, right?"

Riku laughed. "Sexy ladies before high-sensation producing devices!!"

At that moment, Lucian, Lyon, and Formotiss burst in, looking PO'd.

"...Well, you had your chance!" Riane snatched Lucian and ran for it.

And that moment, Sora also burst in, looking equally PO'd.

But before Sora could do anything, a certain gwyllgi of old bounced in and happily devoured Riku.

All the PO'd guys who had come barging in just stared...

"...Well, it's about time for my coffee break," Sora said, breaking the silence.

No one moved.

...Well, except Flisk, who came in and carted off Riane to the virgin isles...

She didn't look too happy about it. "What the heck do you want?"

Flisk, who had a rose clamped between his teeth, giggled naughtily.

"Wanna rub my frills? Can I hold your hand? Can I rub your aaarm?" He said, hearts bursting into existence around him. "No, no, and no. Now FUCK OFF!" Unfortunately for Riane, Flisk took that the wrong way and saw it as her giving him permission to glomp her. At that moment, Lucian and Formotiss gallumphed in, riding radioactive hippos. They then both got in a bitchy slap fight over who would rescue her. "Flisk? May I stab you in the gut with this extremely painful and pointy sword I stole from Sephiroth?" Riane asked sweetly. Flisk pouted. "Why don't you like me? I might be annoying, but isn't that kinda cute? I mean, look at puppies!! They pee all over the floor and eat your shoes, and yet everyone loves them!!"

Formotiss shoved Lucian out of the way and sprayed breath freshener into his mouth before slicking back his hair, as sexy people often do. "Yah, Riane! It's time for you to choose-Me, retardo, or my wimpy little brother?" But Riane had disappeared through a plothole so she could convince Eirika to go save Lyon from the evil sword Margie.

A tumbleweed blew across the room.

"I don't think she likes us!!" Flisk screeched before bursting into tears.

Lucian and Fomortiss made agonized noises and writhed on the floor. Ah yes, love! You see, when one authoress wants to be romantic and the other doesn't, EVERYONE gets caught in the crossfire!! Lucian was potential material at one point, but then he, too, got caught up in the randomness. Fomortiss started off sexily, but was likewise ensnared. And Flisk... was Flisk. As the three tortured lovers wailed their anguish, a small, bearded man in white robes appeared in the room. And held up a bottle. A heart-shaped bottle. With the words 'Love Potion' written on it. The three boys stopped mid-wail and stared. The bearded man arched an eyebrow. "Having girl troubles, are we?" Another tumbleweed blew across. Perhaps the reason for the "Tumbleweed XING" sign. Then again, maybe it was because they were in the Gerudo desert... Just as the three desperate males lunged for the potion, a horde of kick-ass Gerudo girls came and captured them...

"Oooh... I like this game!!" Said Formotiss, winking suggestively at the female who had him tied to a chair. She growled and poked him with a porcupine. "You and you're friends are going to tell us where you put our wikkle Ganon and Dingledorf babykins, OR PERISH UNDER THE FLAMING SUN!!"

"Do you like to play games? In bed, preferably?"

"SILENCE!!"

Flisk burbled wimpily. "Don't hurt meee!! Love meee!!"

Lucian hated his life.

-Somewhere-

Lyon and Leon popped in. "Wow, you're pregnant, who would've guessed, I mean when do we ever sleep together?" Lyon said, bemused. Eirika looked thoughtful. "Well, I remember 1,476 times in the past month alone..." Lyon blushed. "Oh... err... right..."

"Wow, I guess Dad doesn't need saving after all," Riane said with mock amusement. She then proceeded to devour a leftover cookie. Lucian, however, did need saving.


	19. Quests & Corruption & My Favorite Chapta

-A Windy Moor-

Raphael stood on a lonely hill, the wind ruffling his long white hair. A few stunted trees and long grass being whipped about by the breeze were the only other living things for miles in every direction. Storm clouds rumbled overhead, the promise of rain evident by the cool, moist air. "Nicole... I am leaving. There is a long and dangerous road ahead of me... I will find the Village of Lost Souls, and bring back those who have died at your hand. Will you accompany me, to make penance for your sins? Nicole? N-Nicole...?" He turned around. The white-haired Drake was nowhere in sight. Suddenly there was a loud screech and she was upon him, hearts in her eyes as she tried to pull off his pants. He howled angrily. "I swear, you're even more of a sex addict then Brad Pitt!! GERROFF!!"

Tatl floated by randomly, laughing her arse off at the two, before finally having the presence of mind to lower a "CENSORED" sign down.

"Ew, is that a fairy's arse?" Nicole shrieked, and used her surprise as an excuse to cling to Raphael, who snarled at her.

"Hey... is that a house?"

It was INDEED a house, a mansion, to be exact. And as the two tired travelers entered, they were unaware of several malicous eyes watching them...

"Dude! Schweet! New victims for our 'evil plot!'" Said a poe, snickering.

"Caaaaaaaaaaaaaandy!!" Screamed a boo.

"I'll go 'welcome' our new guests, shall I?" Said random phantom from Weyard. Numdenu ignored her ghostly comrades and drew a pretty picture. A drifloon fell madly in love with Numdenu and glomped her.

"Oooh, this place is scary!!" Nicole said, shivering. Raphael had found a bedroom for himself, and despite his protests, she had crawled in and made herself a bed on the floor. "You know, I'd feel safer if I was in bed with yooou..." She let out a delighted squeak and jumped on Raphael, once more trying to subdue and/or seduce him. He let out an agonized squawk, and that's when the picture of fruit hanging on the wall came to life. The picture changed its image to an erotic one of Venus, the Roman goddess of love. That really set the mood.

But then it became a question mark as Num drifted in, the drifloon hanging off her neck. "Hey, hey! Keep it clean, folks! We don't need this getting a mature rating!" While Raphael stared confusedly at the phantom, Nicole tied his hands to the bedposts. Raphael screamed. "HEEEEEELP!!!"

At that moment, help DID come, in the form of another girl who had a mucho crush on Raphy - A six-hundred pound female sumo wrestler. Num blinked and hid behind the picture, which had changed to a crying baby. "I did NOT do that!"

The drifloon sympathetically patted her on her multi-colored head. The sumo wrestler screamed angrily as Nicole blinked up at her from where she sat on Raphael's tummy, which she had just revealed by opening the traumatized sagey-priesty's jacket. The sumo wrestler let out a single howl-"BONZAII!!" And hurled herself into the air above her enemy's head. The picture changed to a sexy one of Micheal Jackson's nose falling off.

-Somewhere-

The psychologist cackled wickedly at her two 'patients,' who were chained to their chairs and looking pissed. "I am Dr. Phillina!! Now, you two should try talking to each other, it might help you learn to appreciate each other's differences!!"

Lyon screamed. "HAAAAAAATE!!"

Fomortiis snarled. "HAAAAAAATE!!"

The psychologist nodded understandingly. "I feel some anger here. Care to elaborate?"

Lyon wailed. "Tortureeeeeee!! Possessiooooon!! Waaaaah!!"

Fomortiis hissed. "Imprisonmeeeent!! Humiliatiooon!! Raaaaa!!"

Dr. Phillina grinned. "Why don't you two drink this?" She then handed each of the depressed-looking sexy guys a cup of milk. But little did they know that this was no NORMAL milk!!

A few sips later, Lyon began to feel a certain degree of love for Fomortiis. His spiky white hair... that open black jacket... that little cross necklace... Ooooh...

Fomortiis decided Lyon was actually kind of cute. That adorable purple hair... that shy, gentle disposition... that small, delicate body...

The psychologist smirked and quietly tossed two tiny, empty packets of 'Instant Yaoi Maker' into the trash.

"I can't take it no mores!! I'll protect you and hold you in my arms forever, Lyon-san!!" Fomortiis burst out, eyes swirling madly.

Lyon giggled. "Oh, Fomorty...-hic- Ooooh..."

At that moment, an enraged Eirika and Auril burst into the room. Eirika instantly tried to kiss Lyon, but he screamed and slapped her. "What's WRONG with you?! You're a girl, for God's sake!! That is sooo gross!!" Eirika smacked Lyon with a frying pan, and he recovered from his insanity and shot Fomortiis, who had likewise been restored, a dirty look. Fomortiis screamed. "KILL THAT PSYCHOLOGIST!!" Dr. Phillina, who was secretly the Masked Yaoi Maker, ripped off her mask and laughed evilly before shooting into the air with her rocket boots. "YOU WILL FALL, STRAIGHT BOYS, YOU WILL ALL FALL!! MWHAHAHAHA-"

Unfortunately for the Masked Yaoi Maker, Eirika had swapped a Tana for Link's hookshot earlier that very same day...

Meanwhile...

Vio groaned. "Does she EVER shut up?!"

"...And pie is good and all, but it's just so overrated!" Tana ranted. "But pocky on the other hand deserves its reputation for being the snack of choice for Otakus, with the chocolate flavor, and strawberry, and green tea, and almond crush, and pineapple...but who eats pineapple pocky, anyway? I mean, is it a delightful yellow, or some other color, and does it really taste like pineapple or..."

Yeah, you get the idea.

-Wherever Lyon is-

At that moment, Carrot Head, who had Margie stuck in his pants, wandered in and pointed a menacing finger at Lyon before screaming three chilling words-

"POSSESSED

BY

SATAN!!"

Fomortiis looked flattered. Lyon shook his head. "Actually, I'm not possessed any-AIEEEEEE!!"

Seth, you see, had just attempted to impale the unfortunate necromancer with a weasel. "DIE, EVIL WARLOCK!! DIIIEEE!!"

"Why, oh why do I always have to be the one who gets attacked?!" Lyon wailed, ducking as an ermine sailed overhead. "DUCKY!!" Eirika hollered, looking around for the aforementioned duck. Seth readied a ferret. "Because Margie wishes it, devil-boy!!"

Seth then tackled Lyon, and the two fell through a plothole...

"MALLARD!!!" Eirika screeched.

-Seth's Evil Mansion, Which Just Happens to be Where Raphael Is-

Lyon stared, horrified, at Margie, who laughed evilly.

(Now that that stupid skank is gone I can have what I really want which is you)

"Nooo!! Get away from me, you wenchy weapon!! You slutty sword!!"

(You cannot resist my seductive metal glitteryness)

"Oh yes I can!!"

(Here I come pretty boy)

The sword then proceeded to braid Lyon's hair and kiss him, an amazing feat, considering the weapon had neither hands nor lips... Lyon shrieked. "EWWW, DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU'VE BEEN?!?"

The sumo squished both Nicole and her lover, then jiggled her body happily in a sorry attempt at belly dancing. Raphael teleported into a nearby bathroom, and leaned against the wall, panting. Then a female ghost whacked him over the head with her purse. "THIS IS THE WOMAN'S BATHROOM, PERV!!" A crying Raphael was driven out of the bathroom by a horde of enraged female spirits.

-Place with Riane-

"...Mom?" Riane pointed out. "Dad just fell through a plothole with Seth. Aaand the way Seth was positioned looked suggestive. I think you should save him."

-teh mansion-

"Quick! In here!" A male called out to Raphael from the men's restroom. He had shiny silver-white hair that reached halfway down his back, a tan and green cape made from a heavy material, dark blue eyes, and a big-ass axe on his back. Suffice to say, he was bishounen material, and one of Num's OCs.

-Placey-

"Righto!! Oh, Riane, by the way-" Eirika paused at the plot hole and beamed. "I'M PREGNANT!!!" A random goron's jaw dropped to the floor. "Th-that's...nice, mom..." Riane forced a crooked smile and waved. "...Knew this was coming..."

-Housey-

However, little did Eirika know that Lyon already was being saved...

(Put the gun down no need to be hasty) Margie whimpered, as Leon, cold fire flaring in his eyes, readied his machine gun. Lyon tilted his head to one side, confused. "Uh... where'd you get that, son?" Leon beamed up at his daddy. "Some pimp rapper lent it to me!!"

Meanwhile, Raphael let out a relieved sigh. "Thank God!! I was nearly done for-" Nicole burst into the room, squealing, and huggled Raphael so tightly that he could hardly breathe. "OMG, we're gonna rule the world together and kill the humans and make babies every night-Ooooo." Nicole's eyes had just seen the other sexy bishie in the room. She grinned. These two guys were just the right people to start her harem with... "...Look, lady, I don't have the time for you to be ogling me." The silver-haired bish snorted. "Ack... choking... Um, well, me and this crazy wench have got to be leaving for the Village of Lost Souls now, so-"

"GHOSTIES ATTAAACK!!!"

A bunch of enraged phantoms swept into the room.

"HOW DARE YOU GO INTO THE GIRL'S BATHROOM!?!"

"IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!!"

"DIIIEEE!!"

And then everyone saw the llama. And the emu.

The silver-haired bish seemed unfazed, like he dealt with this kind of stuff every day. "So...why are you heading to this Village of Lost Souls? If it's because she wants to rape you, that's probably not a good place, judging from the name."

"Oh no, it's because she killed off hundreds of people in an attempt to kidnap me, and I heard that the dead can be brought back from there..."

At that moment, Nicole glanced through a plot hole. And froze. Who was that sexy, black-haired demon tied to a chair and grinning promiscuously?!?

--

Numdenu suddenly floated out of the wall, rubbing her chin. "Well, Matthias? I'd say now's as good a time as any to scram."

The silver haired bish--Matthias--sighed. "Yes, I KNOW! Hey, You. Might want to run from that psycho now." Raphael peeked through the portal. "Holy shiites, that's my brother!" He scooted away. "He's not very nice. Well, I'm off to the Village of Lost Souls. I don't suppose you'd want to come along to protect me from other swooning evil females?" He asked, rather desperately. "One problem: I'm a mercenary, so I have to charge for it. How much you willing to offer for the aid of a professional rabid fangirl dodger?" Matthias raised an eyebrow. Raphael sighed and pulled a coronet out from inside his robes. Curse the mercenary, it was HIS shiny!! But he had no choice. With a sad look on his face, he forked over the glittery golden object.

-Somewhere-

Well...why not? Lucian was hot as anything, and she was bored out of her mind...

Riane summoned a plothole to

the Gerudo Desert.

Formotiss and Nicole both continued to stare, transfixed, at one other. Then Nicole hopped through the plot hole and plunked herself down on Formotiss' lap.  
"I like hot people!!" Nicole chirped.  
"Me too!!"  
"I also like killing humans!! Slowly!!"  
"Same here!!"  
A pause.  
"...But what I really, really like sex."  
"Oh my gawd yesss!!"  
"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"  
"I think so!!"  
The Gerudos fled the room, pulling Lucian and Flisk with them. What was about to happen in that room was probably not appropriate for them to see.

...And the Gerudos happened to run smack into Riane. "Hand over Lucian. Now."

She defenitely wasn't playing around. However, neither were the Gerudos. Screaming a bloody battle cry, one of the ladies threw herself at Riane and bit her in the leg whilst foaming at the mouth. The more immediate threat, however, was the mob of angry cucoos the other Gerudo had released...

Happy noises came from the room Formotiss and Nicole were in.

Riane paled. "Shit..." Shaking off the rabid Gerudo in a heartbeat, she grabbed Lucian and ran for it. At that moment, a certain blonde-haired person crashed into the two. Cloud jumped back to his feet, bristling. "Hey, you two have to come help me! Some fat dog-thingy named Pete carted off Aerith!! And Sephirhoth is with Pete!! And when Sephirhoth and Aerith meet, BAD THINGS HAPPEN, SUCH AS MY GIRLFRIEND GETTING STABBED!! Get the picture?" He growled.

-Housey-

Matthias smiled. "Lead on, Sir. I will protect you with my life."

"Disgusting half-elf!" someone screamed out of nowhere. They soon met with the sharp end of Matthias' axe.

Soren promptly appeared out of a plothole and shook Matthias' hand. "Another remarkably sexy person who's hated for being a half breed. Welcome to my life."

And so the three bishies set out on a quest of epic proportions, epic battles, epic, life-threatening decisions, epic loyalty-

"I have to go potty." Flisk whined, interrupting the mood.

Raphael slapped him. "No one asked you want you wanted, you stowaway!! We're on a boat in the middle of a huge lake, where the heck are you going to pee?!"

In response, Flisk stood up, turned around, and wee-weed into the murky black water. When he was done, he let out a sigh of relief. And then an ominous growling noise came from the lake's depths. Huge bubbles rose to the surface. Raphael went pale. "Methinks someone shouldn't have tinkled in the lake." Soren said boredly from where he was sitting and reading. Matthias let out a long sigh, pulling out his axe. "Dumbass. You know what?" He swung the mighty axe, punting Flisk into the lake with it. "See ya!" Amazingly, however, Flisk didn't sink! "I MUST BE JESUS!!" He beamed. Raphael's eyes widened. "Or it could be the fact that you're standing on the head of a giant sea serpent..." Soren mused. Flisk glanced downwards. "Oh. Possibly. I still like the "I am Jesus idea" more, though. Matthias closed his eyes and said nothing, regretting having that stowaway idiot tag along. Raphael, Soren, and Flisk all cowered behind Matthias, screaming in shrill, feminine voices. The dark, slime-covered, serpentine head rose farther out of the eerily glowing lake, and hissed at the only manly man present, AKA the mercenary.

"I am the Lake's Guardian. Who dares trespass on my lands?" The deep, booming voice asked, the monstrous head swaying slowly from side to side. Flisk happily popped up and shouted "We do's!!" The serpent hissed, and Flisk went back to hiding behind Matthias. "Insolent fools! Now, your fates are sealed... Unless you can solve my riddle." Feverishly hoping none of them had ever read the Hobbit, which was the critter's favorite book, the beast announced the riddle.

"It cannot be seen, cannot be felt,

Cannot be heard, cannot be smelt.

It lies behind stars and under hills,

And empty holes it fills.

It comes first and follows after,

Ends life, kills laughter."

-Gerudo-

"Sorry, I'm kinda in the middle of saving my own boyfriend!" Riane ran right past Cloud, Lucian waving in the wind like a flag. At that moment, however, both teenagers felt a sudden stab of pain. "What the hell?" Lucian muttered, confused, staring at the tranquilizer dart embedded in his arm. Then he collapsed on the floor, knocked out. A mysterious, cackling shadow appeared over the two unconscious teens...

-???-

Lucian awoke groggily and stared around. He was lying on a bed, and Riane was next to him, still fast asleep. There was no door out of the small room, but one of the walls was missing-it opened up to a large room full of scientific equipment, a huge fish tank with a large, pissed looking guppy of epic proportions floating in it, and various other funny, weird labby-things, like lava lamps and mysterious glowing objects of doom (tm). Shrugging, Lucian started to leave, but then smacked into something. "What the-?" A huge sheet of Plexiglas was separating this room from the other, and he hadn't noticed the see-through material. "Oookay..." Then an evil, giggling, happy-looking hunchbacked old man with wild white hair and a moustache teetered over. He waved his cane in the air excitedly and spoke to the sock puppet he was wearing. "THIS IS IT, FLUFFY!! THE CROWNING MOMENT OF BIOLOGICAL ACHIEVEMENT!! WITHIN MOMENTS, WE WILL WITNESS AN AMAZING AND HIGHLY EROTIC MATING RITUAL BETWEEN A DEMONIC DRAKE AND A DRACANIAN WITH BRAIDED HAIR!! NEEHEEHEE!! THE ONLY THING IN MY MEMORY THAT COULD MATCH THIS EPIC SCENE IS THE ENIGMATIC MIGRATORY FLIGHT OF THE NON-FLYING EMU!!" He hugged his sock puppet lovingly. "I love you, too, Fluffy! You've always been there to support me... I couldn't have come this far without you!" Lucian blinked. "What the hell?"

"Mating ritual between a who and a what?" Said Riane, who had apparently woken up and crept to Lucian's side, quite stealthily. The old scientist, who lived outside of Hyrule lake, cackled madly and pointed at them. "A mating between a you and a him! I say, Fluffy, this might turn me on, and I do some craaazy things when that happens..." The elderly chap then began to make out with his sock puppet, which bore an uncanny resemblance to Paris Hilton...

"Well, this is... interesting." Lucian muttered, watching the senile romance with interest.

-Lake-

Matthias puzzled for a few moments...then smirked. "Htorisotark. Em dnatsrednu uoy nac? Ecnelis si eno. Ynam era srewsna eht." The serpent spat. Deltora was one of its other favorite book series, silly human! "Silence is not the answer I wanted!! The answer is darkness, you nimrod!! How dare you not appreciate the ingeniusness of J.R. Tolkien!! NOW YOU DIE-" The monster looked around, confused, then spotted the four boatsmen rowing like crazy towards the far shore. "COME BACK HERE!!" With an earsplitting screech, the creature dove underwater and sped towards the boat.

Matthias blinked. "Wow...it thought I was a human. But how was I supposed to have read the Hobbit? I can't even get into any bookstores."

"Well, I think it's sexy that you're a halfling!" A female voice called out.

"You've got the sexy slimness and hair of an elf, and the muscles of a human! Whoot!" A dainty, sparkly mermaid flopped out of the water and into the boat, where she gave Matthias a very wet hug.

The boat bumped against the shore, and the mermaid swam off, chortling.

"Ah... I think we're there." Raphael said softly. The wind picked up and whistled, a sound reminiscent of the moan of some long forgotten, abandoned soul, through the skeletal branches of a forest of withered trees, stirring up the dying brown grass. An abandoned village-or what remained of it-stood before them. Small huts, standing on tiny stilt legs to keep them out of the mud that swamped the village, had a look of misery and poverty about them. Thunder rumbled ominously overhead. "Well... I guess we should find shelter."

-Lab-

"...Shall we get out of here before someone tries to stick us in bed together? I intend to remain a virgin until at least fifteen," Riane said, rather moodily. Lucian jotted down a note to buy a 2-year calendar as soon as possible. "Yes, that sounds good." Turning into a dragon, Lucian razed the Plexiglas into tiny pieces. The two then proceeded to stroll out, and the old man took advantage of the empty bed to have happy time with his sock puppet. Then Lucian came to a halt in front of a large tank full of gooey, rounded creatures. "Oooh... jellyfish."

"They can sting, you know," Riane growled. "Now can we get moving? I'm already sick of this place." Lucian didn't respond, but stood transfixed by the rubbery pink blobs. "I shall call him Squishy and he shall be mine and he shall be MY SQUISHY!!" Lucian squealed, hugging the tank. A large sign next to the tank said 'Boy-Attracting Jellyfish.' Go figure. At that moment, the old man and his Paris Hilton puppet charged over. "ATTACK!! DON'T LET MY RARE SPECIMENS ESCAAAPE!!" And all the jellyfish threw themselves out of the tank and rained down upon Riane and Lucian...

-Village-

Matthias, still in shock about that whole half-breed glomping mermaid earlier, simply nodded and followed. Dayumn, no one ever hugged him! Flisk suddenly felt inspired to give Matthias a pity hug. Needless to say, it was not appreciated. Clambering into the least dilapidated of the houses, Raphael summoned up blankets for them to sleep on and collapsed wearily on his own. "Well, we can explore tomorrow. G'night, everyone."

At that moment, Flisk let out a whiny yelp. "There's a spider in my bed!!"

"Shut up and go to sleep, idiot!" Soren growled. Flisk whimpered and rummaged under the covers, caught the offending critter, and pulled it out. He brightened. "Oh, don't worry guys, it wasn't a spider, it was just a living decapitated hand!"

There was a silence, and by 2.5 seconds later, everyone else was out of their beds, staring around wildly. "Don't just stand there, stab it or something!" Matthias shouted, eye twitching.

The hand wagged a finger. "Sir! I do beg your pardon! Is it in the least bit polite to stab a hand through upon first glance?" Receiving no answer, he continued. "I am appalled at your rudeness, all of you! With that attitude, you'll never have tea with the Queen of the Village of Lost Souls!"

An awkward pause descended onto the party. "Awesome! Redead old lady!" Flisk shrieked excitedly. At that moment, there was a loud creaking noise, and the whole house began to rock back and forth. Smacking against the floor, Raphael got a look outside and gasped. "Guys, the house is walking, and it's heading straight for a g-g-graveyard!!"

-Lab-

Riane just used the shifting powers that all Dracanians possess to sprout gargoyle-esque wings and fly out of the way, perching in an alcove in the wall. She shook her head in pity for her boyfriend, who did not follow. However, he escaped a moment later and joined her at the window, in the form of a chicken and looking rather tipsy. "I'm... o-okay...' He gurgled before falling over. "I don't think jellyfish are supposed to make you drunk..." Riane held up Lucian by his chicken-y feet and flew out the open window with him. ...Little did the two know that not only did being around those jellyfish produce a high sensation, but that high sensation could be used to track down the mad scientist's escaped experiments... Riku looked to the left. Riku looked to the right. Riku stuck a jellyfish on his face and inhaled deeply before falling backwards, wasted. "Man, that is sooo good!"

"Oh, no you don't! You're not going on a wasted rampage again!" Final form Sora glided in out of nowhere with a straitjacket. Riku said a non-G rated word. Several non-G rated words, actually... And yes, Riku was bound in the straitjacket. "Now you just stay like that until you're not high!" 

Elsewhere, Lucian returned to sanity and said 'Bawk bawk bawk,' which probably translated to 'Where are we going, Riane?' "Somewhere without any perverted old scientists, for one," Riane replied, still flying full speed. Lucian's stomach heaved. "DOWN, LAND, WE HAVE TO LAND!!" He gurgled, his face turning green. Being flown through the air at high speeds while dangling upside-down and held by the feet was not an overly fun experience. Riane slowed herself and landed on a tree branch. "You know, you could always turn into your human form."

"Uh... yah..." And Lucian did so. At that moment, the tree gave a sudden lurch. "Whaaat." Lucian peered downward, an angry mob was waving pitchforks at the base of the tree. "KILL THE DEMON!!"

Lucian made a face. "That's racist!"

The tree wobbled once more as the obese axemen chopped at it. "Hey, you lousy peasants! Knock it off! He's not a demon!" For once, Riane was happy with her royal status. "This is the daughter of THE Lyon von Grado speaking! If you do anything, both Renais and Grado will be after your hides!" Some evil, tiny, secretive part of Lucian thought it would be fun to beat up the peasants. The good, non-demonic part of Lucian beat the other part over the head with a wombat. "Well, let's be going then, shall we-"

"OHOHOHOHOHOHO!!!!! I SEE YOU, RARE SPECIMENS!!" A familiar Paris Hilton doll sailed by overhead. "YOU SHALL NOT ESCAPE!! ATTACK, BUMBLESTORKS, ATTACK!!" There was an ominous buzzing noise, and a swarm of bee-bodied, alligator-headed, stork-legged uglies flew towards Riane and Lucian! "Lucian?" Riane paled. "...Every man, woman, and child for themselves!!!"

"That's nice." Lucian grumbled. He then pulled out two flyswatters and a can of Raid and leapt through the air, swirling and slapping in slow, sexy Matrix style.

-Village-

"Whoop-dee-doo. Do something." Matthias was calm--and oddly monotone--even as the house bore them closer and closer to the graveyard. Flisk opted to do the chicken dance. Raphael decided to cry like a baby. Soren shook his head and went back to his book, nonplussed. "Wimps." Matthias pounded the grip end of his axe once, loudly, on the floor of the house. "Stop moving." The house responded to Matthias' command by shooting him with a geyser of brown, stinky water from the decrepit-looking toilet in the bathroom. Raphael applauded sarcastically. The half-elf gagged and choked on the putrid liquid, before falling face-first onto the floor near Soren. "Anyone have any better ideas?" Before anyone could respond, the house bucked them all out the open doorway and onto the marshy ground. Raphael smacked into an angel-shaped headstone. "Owie..." He said, rubbing his bruised nose. Then he noticed something. "Hey, that's... that's m-my name carved o-on it!"

"Eerie..." Matthias hesitated, not certain if eerie was spelled correctly, but shook it off. "...Are we in the right area?"

"I think so..." Raphael said, poking at the eerie (which was spelled correctly) gravestone. "That's... ominous. Well, I guess now we just wait for something dramatic to happen-"

Something dramatic happened.

"Welcome home, Lord Raphael!" A deep, morbid voice boomed. Raphael nearly wet hisself. "Wh-wh-what?! I'm not a l-lord, I'm not even d-d-dead! I just want to r-revive p-people!"

The macabre voice sounded annoyed. "Then you should have asked a certain purple-haired necro to revive them instead of coming all the way out here, dipstick!"

Lyon popped out of a plothole. "Hiya!"

Raphael grabbed frantically at the necro, who was eating a jelly doughnut. "Help! Revive people-"

"Would love to, but you see, Eirika's wearing this really sexy coconut bikini right now..." Lyon said, drooling, then he frowned. "'Course, she's also really fat right now, but I'm partially to blame for that... only a little, though. When we sleep together, she's kinda bossy, like a dictator, you know, tyrant-ish in bed. Isn't funny how when people sleep together, there's really very little sleeping involved?! XD! Well, see ya!"

The necro vanished, and Raphael whimpered as the creepy voice echoed out once more. "You say you are not the king? Very well, we shall put you through the Cave of Four Very Nasty and Unpleasantly Painful Trials!!"

"Sounds... fun. Shouldn't it be three trials?" Soren inquired.

"Nope. Three is so yesterday. If you fail the test, you will die an extremely painful death, and become our king! If you suceed, you are undefeatable, and also our king!"

Raphael moaned. He was sooo screwed.

"If... I was your king... could I revive people?"

"Undoubtedly!"

"Alright... I'll just have to survive this trial, then."

And at that moment, a large crevasse opened beneath the four adventurers and dumped them into darkness, resealing behind them. Their eyes slowly adjusted to the darkness, and Raphael, being brave, nearly fainted. "Oh, lovely. Dead people. Most likely the work of giant spiders, considering all the webbing..." Soren droned boredly. "COTTON CANDY!!" Flisk screeched, and began trying to eat some of the cobwebs. Matthias removed his axe from the carcass of a spider. "Well, that was _unpleasant_," he growled. "Hey, King of the Dead. You'll need to clean up around here." "I am NOT the King of the Dead! Stop calling me that, you're egging the dead people who want to worship me on!" Raphael whined. "Well, there's the door to the next room..." They entered the next room. There was white, slimy stuff all over the place, giving the room a glazed look. Soren whipped out a Deltora book. "Hey... it's the maze of the beast!" That was the gluss' cue, and they all started wriggling forward, mouths agape and cute little tails wagging. At that moment, however, a larger slimy something fell heavily onto the floor. Long, blue, and semi-liquid, two orb-shaped eyes and a fang-lined jaw floated freely at one end of the sluggish beastie, and a sticky substance dripped off of it onto the floor. The gluss made 'oooh' and 'ahhh' noises, and a couple male gluss' whistled promiscuously. "Hey... before we get into an epic boss fight... has anyone seen Flisk?" Raphael asked, worried. The retard was in his care, after all-he'd feel bad if anything horrible had happened to him...

"Oooh, a romantic, candle-lit dinner! Will a romantic one-night stand follow after? I can turn into spiders!" Flisk gibbered naively from where he lay, tightly trussed, on a dinner platter. "But where's the food? And why am I on a plate?" The spider stuck an apple in his mouth to shut him up. Then a male spider trotted in, a bouquet of roses clamped in his jaws, which he presented to the female, who squealed delightedly. "Hey, that's MY female spider!!" Flisk shrieked angrily, spitting out the fruit. The two spiders turned towards him, drooling, and something clicked in Flisk's mind. "Hey... Wait... Me on plate, no food in sight... NOT GOOD!!!" Flisk's demise was delayed by another spider coming in and saying "Petey" had been squished by an axe.

"Semi-solid foes should be weakest against magic," Matthias droned. "Soren, I think this is your job...Soren???"

"Dammit, I am not a girl!!" Soren shrieked as a male gluss chewed fondly on his beautiful hair. A group of enraged spiders burst in from the room they had just vacated, screeching about 'Petey,' and Raphael was sucked into the squishy-blue-thing's tummy, squeaking in terror. They were screwed, not much to say, really, except...

"PETE THE MAGIC DRAGON!!" Flisk sang, waving his head back and forth to the beat. All the spiders froze, entranced by his idiocy, and giving the other three members of the party a chance to do... "Something productive, I suppose." Soren mused. Matthias freed Raphael from the blob's gut. "Productive. Like that." The blob, who shall henceforth be called Squishy, roared and lunged at Matthias, spitting digestive juices and attempting to trap and suffocate the interfering halfling with its slime. Ah yes, Squishy was a friendly critter!

-Somewhere-

Riane, meanwhile, perched on another tree with some buttery popcorn and watched the smexy show. At that moment, however, Riane was grabbed by the collar and hoisted into the air by a sexy guy with long white hair and an oversized shiskabob of a sword. However, the man was then attacked by a certain familiar, gothic pixie, who glomped his forehead, covering his eyes so that he couldn't see. "SEPHY-WOFF!!" Pixie shrilled, nibbling affectionately on his ear. Riane flicked the hand that was around her collar, knocking it off. "And just what the hell do you want?"

"I VANT YOUR SOUL!!" Seph announced, very dramatically.

"Hey, I got rid of the monsters, Ria-Who are you?!" Lucian snarled, confronting the newcomer.

"I'm-"

"SEPHY-WOFF!!"

"...Are you related to Riku?" Riane asked, tilting her head slightly. "You have the same hair and eyes." Seph cursed. She was on to him!! Time to retreat!! "You have not seen thee last of me, girly!" And without further ado, he disappeared. "That was weird!" Lucian commented as Pixie sobbed her eyes out. At that moment, however, the tree was completely severed and fell over, depositing Lucian into the hands of an enraged mob. "BURN THE DEMON AT THE STAKE!!" A rather obese clergyman named Moulder shrieked as he reached out to pluck up an unsuspecting young girl.

"DOWN, PEASANTS!" Riane screeched.

The crowd came to a sudden halt.

"He's not a demon, jackasses. Let him go."

"Well, I USED to be a demon!" Lucian said brightly, condemning himself. The poor wretch had accidentally taken some of Flisk's stupid pills that morning...

Someone then made the mistake of throwing a pitchfork at Riane.

-Cave of Trials-

"Vertical slash to the head," the half-elf droned, performing the move. And then, miraculously, they somehow made it to the next trial in one piece. Raphael sagged onto the floor, looking decidedly un-kingly. The room wasn't overly impressive-just a lot of malicious-looking pipes poking into a large, damp chamber. At that moment, however, a bunch of withered, rotting hands burst out of the ground and grabbed Raphael, who screamed wimpily. The hands took off down a large pipe, carting the unlucky sage with them and narrowly dodging the attacks of the other three people on the makeshift team of vagabonds. Finally, after going down a twisting labyrinth of side-passages and secret tunnels, the hands dumped Raphael onto a rather comfy bed. With heart-shaped pillows! ...Blood-stained, heart-shaped pillows. "Oooh, that's l-lovely..." Suddenly, sadistic laughter rang out from the far side of the room, where a fireplace was burning in a romantically evil kind of way. Raphael whimpered pathetically and squished back against the bed's headpiece, a trapped, slime-coated bishie with no physical strength whatsoever. Heck, his GRANDMA had more muscle then him! And yet, he was still sexy... strange world, no?

Another cackle.

"Oooh, look, Jamie!"

"What is it, Amie?"

"Sexy guy, Jamie!"

"Oooh, baby!"

"W-who's there?!" Raphael tried to sound fierce, but ended up sounding terrified.

"It's us, right, Jamie?"

"Yes indeedy, Amie!"

"I'm a siren, sweetie!"

"And I'm a harpy, ziti!"

Two beautiful woman-ish people materialized out of the shadows. Both had flame-red hair and emerald eyes-Jamie had feathered wings on her back and clawed, bird-talon-esque hands, and Amie had gills lining her neck and webbed toes.

"We're twins, oh yes!"

"Together, we do best!"

"We always speak in rhyme..."

"The harmony is quite sublime!"

"We like sex, pretty boy!"

"And we like eating, joy!"

Raphael gagged. "So... you're g-going too... and then... e-eat... m-me...?"

"Oh yes, isn't he smart!"

"I'll bet he tastes like a little sweet tart!"

Raphael fainted.

After the hands had disappeared down the pipe, Matthias just stood there, staring. "...Who goes first?" Silence. "...Flisk. Flisk goes first. Soren is the mage, and thus sending him first would not be very wise. Besides, we are superior." With a nod, he...continued to stand there. Soren kicked Flisk down the pipe in a comradely manner. "AIYEEEEEEE!!"

Meanwhile, the poor wretch down below had regained consciousness just as the two evil ladies started to advance towards him.

"We take the phrase 'eat me...'"

"A little too literally, hee!"

"I'm w-warning you! I know... I know...k-k-"

"Karate?"

"Hottie!"

"K-k-knitting! B-be afraid! BE V-VERY A-AFRAID!!"

Flisk was punted into Jamie via an axe.

"Okay, let him go," Matthias sighed, already tired of this. Still, he'd been paid well...curse his sterling reputation.

Both betches froze.

"Elf... san!" Drooled Jamie, who was partial to the skinny, long-haired race.

"Hu... man!" Slobbered Amie, who loved the big, bulky Homo sapiens.

Raphael suddenly felt neglected. "Hey, I'M the one you wanted to rape and eat!" He pouted, crossing his arms.

Matthias was already a tad pale, but now he was alabaster white. "Rape and...eat? Okay, uh...I...know how to use this axe!" Wow, the mercenary was unnerved. A certain psychologist-who-wasn't-a-psychologist fluttered in through a non-existant window and nodded understandingly. "Why does this situation upset you so, Matthias? Were you enslaved and sexually abused as a young child for being a halfling? You need to get these feelings out, honey! It can only make things better!" Raphael, who had been tied to one side of the bed, suddenly realized that maybe he didn't want this kind of attention after all.

"Nooooo... d-don't..." He sobbed, cowering.

"Shh, we'll play with you after the halfling!"

"Err... and... give you a little calfling?" Jamie said, trying to keep the beat. Raphael brightened. "I love cows!"

The two woman-things advanced menacingly towards Matthias, and Flisk, his terror barely beating up his love for beautiful ladies, hid under the bed. Soren announced "I have to go... uh... do important stuff! Bye!" And vanished.

The psychologist slash yaoi fan jumped up and down angrily. "Get 'em, Matthias! Don't be afraid of these evil, immensely powerful chicks of death!! KILL!!"

Meanwhile, in the final trial room, the Queen of the Village of Lost Souls wondered what the hell was taking her hubbie so long... "Don't tell me the idiot can't beat the betchs!" She groaned.

Matthias took a deep breath. "Right...I can beat these betchs! I'll pound them into the ground!" His eyes flew open. Yep, he was ready to kick some tail.

A radio in the background began playing Malice Mizer's "Gardenia," which sounded very dramatic, gothy, rock-y, and kickass. Matthias raised his axe, and became a whirlwind of steel and smexy half-elf...ness.

In other words, if you didn't get hit by the blade, you'd get a nosebleed from his unearthly grace with such a weapon. Well, needless to say, the betches were destroyed, but Raphael wasn't overly pleased. "You gaf me uh nuzbeed!" He grumbled, rubbing at his injured nose. And so Flisk was dragged out from under the bed, Raphael untied, Soren resummoned, and the four dudes (plus one masked yaoi maker) continued to the final trial, with Flisk occasionally scaring the hell out of everyone by acting like he'd seen a disembodied hand. This prank stopped after Soren set him on fire. The last room was a vast, open stretch of grass, reaching from rocky wall to rocky wall. Small, cuddly pink bunnies nibbled happily on the plants, their cute little noses twitching, and one very large bunny was lying at the far end. The bishies and ex-psychologist (who was still trying to weedle Matthias' past out of him) trotted forward, enjoying the peace of the scene after their last harrowing ordeal. Raphael went up to the large rabbit and patted it on its fuzzy flank. "Aww... cute wikkle bunny-kins!"

The rabbit roared, revealing pointed fangs. The fur and skin dropped off, revealing the rotting, animated corpse of a bunny, skeletal limbs clearly visible. "I AM NOT A CUTE WIKKLE BUNNY-KINS!! I AM THE QUEEN OF THE VILLAGE OF LOST SOULS, AND YOUR WIFE, DIPSTICK!!" All the other bunnies followed suit, dropping all pretense of sweet and becoming zombified, foaming-at-the-mouth, meat-eating redeads. Matthias clapped. "Brilliant stunt, Your Majesty!"  
"SHADDUP, PATHETIC HALF-ELF SCUM!" a rabbit roared, causing the mercenary to wince slightly. Just as doom seemed imminent, a certain very pissed mermaid flopped into the room. "NOBODY-I MEAN NOBUNNY-INSULTS MY BABY-KIN'S HALFLING-NESS AND GETS AWAY WITH IT!!" She roared, those cute, chibi eyes glaring death. The rabbit who had spoken burst into flames, quite spontaneously. "...Okay..." Matthias paused for a moment. "Hey, Sparkly Mermaid Chick! I'll give you a smooch if you save us from these evil rabbits!" The mermaid emitted a very high-pitched squeal of happiness and went on a berserk rampage, slaughtering all the poor little evil rabbits before locking her lips onto a rather stunned Matthias'. A depressed-looking disembodied hand depostited a crown on Raphael's head. "Everyone who died is revived, the village is rebuilt, yaddah yaddah yaddah have a nice day." It droned, then scuttled away, miffed. Raphael stood there quietly, looking at his three rejoicing friends, one of whom was dancing the hokey-pokey, another who was reading, unpertrubed, and the last who was trying to remove the beautiful mermaid who was suction-stuck to his face. Their quest was over, and they had no reason to stay with him anymore. The mercenary would return to his post to seek more employers, the mage to his studies, and the idiot to who-knows-where. And... he would go back to being alone. Not even crazy Nicole would be there to make him feel wanted. He looked at the ground, was suprised to find his vision clouded by tears. His own parents had been killed beyond any hope of reviving when he was just a child; killed for birthing him, a half Dracanian, half human. He had been 'adopted' by Fomortiis, and had lived his childhood in constant terror of the majority of his foster family, and once he had been old enough to leave, he had had no place to call home, not with his heritage. Even the city he had come all the way here to revive had only partially accepted him... Matthas finally resorted to using a crowbar to free his mouth momentarily. "Oh, come on. For God's sake, do something with yourself! Like, I'd suggest what I did, become a mercenary, but that doesn't seem to be your style." The crowbar snapped in two. "Mmmrph!" Raphael burst into tears. "Please, please take me with you, I'll be... a m-mercenary h-healer!!"

The mermaid paused and snorted. "A mercenary HEALER? What a wuss!"

-Somewhere-

It missed by a mile, but that didn't mean anything. Riane's eyes flared with rage, and she raised her head and cried to the skies..."DAAAAAAAAAD! THE PEASANTS ARE THROWING SHIT AT MEEEEEEE!" Lyon was there in a heartbeat, looking so angry that it was scary. The peasants gave a collective shudder. "I give you dental plans. I give you health insurance. And how do you thank me?" He pulled the pitchfork from the ground and pointed it at the peasants, eyes narrowed. "You try to impale my daughter. NOBODY tries to impale my daughter." A cricket chirped. "Well, unless I say so. Now, who wants to try a taste of naglfar?" There was an explosion of dust, and when it settled, the peasants had all vanished, run back to their little mud houses to cower. Lyon turned around. "And you, young lady, are grounded. And don't you even talk!" He snarled at Lucian, who's mouth had just fallen open. "I have news that you two were in bed together... unsupervised, unless you count a certain delinquent scientist." Before they could respond, a sappy, overly sugary voice drawled out of the darkness. "No worries, Prince-I'll take Lucy off your hands." A girl stepped out of the shadows, about the same age as Riane. She had long brown hair, a blue headband, jeans, and jacket, and a white shirt, and she was leading a wretched-looking Vaati about by a leash. "Hi, Lucy." Lucian went an unpleasant shade of white. "But Daaad!" Riane whined. "I escaped before they could do anything to me! I didn't want sex! I--who the heck are you guys?"

"I'm Amber, and this is Fuckwit. Say 'hello,' Fuckwit."

"Hello." Vaati intoned miserably.

"Good boy. I'm Lucy's lover-you know, Lucy, that guy who's cowering behind you right now? I want him back, so I'm taking him. Any questions?"

"I thought you liked Matthew!!" Lucian squeaked. She snorted.

"Puh-leaz. Good guys are so YESTERDAY."

"Well I'm a good guy now, actually..."

"Whatever. You're coming with me. I'll reawaken the evil in you soon enough."

"Sorry, no Lucian for you." Riane snorted. "Why don't you just go play with Fuckwit the Magical?" Amber cast one glance at Lyon to make sure he wouldn't be able to interfere. He wouldn't-the poor guy had fallen asleep, sucking his thumb. Eirika wouldn't allow him to rest whenever they were in bed together, so he needed to take naps whenever he got the chance. Amber smirked.

"My Lucy."

She dropped Vaati's leash, and he darted off. Then, she was transforming, wings the color of twilight billowing into existence around her, pupils shrinking into nothing, teeth turning into fangs. In seconds, a massive, lithe dragon towered over them, snarling. Storm clouds rumbled overhead, and lightning lit the sky in brilliant yellow streaks, the wind building into a piercing shriek of fury. All in all, a very impressive picture. "Behind me!" Lucian shouted, jumping in front of Riane as he likewise prepared to shift. But Amber was swifter then him; she leapt forward, slicing with serrated claws. Still not completely in dragon form, Lucian did not have the protective covering of scales that they possessed, and the viscous blow ripped through his skin like it was paper. He screamed hatefully and fell, returning to human form only to be snatched up in Amber's talons. The golden eyes turned to regard Riane, a small girl who had almost no practice with her Dracanian powers, against a trained assassin who had spent years in training with them.

"Don't... hurt her!!" Lucian gasped, pain and blood loss draining his strength.

"Then... tell me you love me." Amber purred, eyes glinting joyfully.

"I..." His eyes met Riane's.

"Love you..."

"Very good! Now off to me lair!!" Amber cackled, and the storm began to recede. She jumped into the air, knocking Riane over with the force of her passage, huge wings snapping downwards to help her break free of the ground's pull, and glinting with small rainbows made by the sunlight. It was about that moment that Lyon woke up, yawning, to see his daughter lying on the ground where she had been knocked, staring up at the sky in shock. "What's this, it seems dear Riane is taking a nap!" Albus Dumbledore then came in and beat Lyon over the head with his wand for stealing a phrase from Potter Puppet Pals. "...Actually, no. A Dracanian came, kidnapped my boyfriend, and knocked me over," Riane replied in monotone. "...I think I'm stuck." Lyon helped his daughter to her feet. "No need to worry, m'dear-where there are flying llamas, there's a way!!"

"Isn't it 'where there's a will there's a way?'" A peasant asked, tentavely. Lyon snorted. "No, where there are flying llamas, there's a way!!" No sooner had he repeated this then a rainbow-colored llama with feathery white wings landed gracefully next to Riane. "There you go, her name's Nanny, she'll take you to your boyfriend-AND make sure nothing naughty happens!"

-Lair of teh DOOM-

"Nyaaa, wakey wakey, my lil' sugar plum!"

Lucian's eyes flickered open; he felt dazed and confused. He had fainted from his injury on the way here...

"KAWAII, LOOKIT, TEH SMEXINESS AWAKENS!!"

He turned away from the nagging, high-pitched voice, and inspected his wound. Someone had removed his shirt and tended to him, and his torso was now wrapped in bloody linen bandages.

"Sorry 'bout that, nibbles..."

He was fettered by the wrists and ankles to a table, and a large, sinister machine took up the rest of the room. Small wires extended from it, ending at suction cups stuck to his forehead and chest. The machine had 'Ezekiel's Science Project - Mind Control Machine' written neatly on it. NOT GOOD.

"Hey slaves, get yer arses in here!! 'TIS WORK TIME!!" Amber screeched in that annoying voice of hers. Knoll and Ezekiel both rushed into the room, looking scared. "Alright, you're gonna make him fall in love with me and be evil-"

"I will never betray my brother!! ...Well, at least, not to people who don't pay well for it!" Ezekiel said, crossing his arms and sticking his tongue out. "And... uh... what he said, minus the brother part." Knoll chimed. Amber arched an eyebrow. "Oh really? Need I remind you of... these?" She held up two photographs, showing what she had done to her slaves during their most recent torture session-put them in frilly pink dresses and applied lavish amounts of make-up. "Wouldn't they look nice on your Myspace accounts...?" She mused, rubbing her chin. The ten year old evil genius burst into tears, and Knoll assumed the fetal position. "NOOOOOOOOOES!!"

"Alrighty, then, hop to it!"

Ezekiel and Knoll scrambled over to the machine and began pressing buttons, pulling levers, switching switches and monitoring monitors. "Gee, thanks, brother. No Christmas presents for you THIS year..." Lucian grumbled. "Ready for mind altering!" Ezekiel muttered, grabbing a large red switch and poising to switch it. "Alrighty!! Oh yah, this might hurt a wee bit... So I'll hold your hand!" Lucian bared his fangs and growled, and Amber assumed a hurt expression. The ominous switch was pulled. Lucian screamed as a spasm of excruciating pain jolted through him, and he convulsed, then fell silent. Smoky tendrils of steam curled away from his forehead, and his eyes had closed. Amber screamed and ran to her bishie, knocking over Knoll in the process, and began jumping up and down and pulling at her hair in distressed anxiety. "ZOMG ZOMG YOU FRIED HIM YOU KILLED HIM YOU MELTED HIS BEAUTIFUL LITTLE BR-A-IN-Z!!" She burst into tears and buried her face into his hair, but just as she was about to go murder her bumbling scientists, Lucian made a croaking noise. "HE LIVES!! OMG, HE'S JESUS, HE CAME BACK FROM THE DEAD-"

"Ribbit!" Lucian exclaimed, picking his nose with his tongue, which looked oddly long...

Amber blinked.

"Wha-"

"Ribbit!"

"HOLY CHIT YOU MADE HIM THINK HE WAS A FROG?!?" Angry marks appeared all over Amber, and Knoll and Ezekiel clung fearfully to each other, whimpering. "Just... minor mistake... can fix..."

"THEN DO IT, AND DO IT NOOOW!!!"

Several minutes later, Lucian was correctly hypnotized, and he was unchained so that Amber could better cuddle with her bishie. "Ah, my sweet little Lucy-kins, who do you love?" She purred, nuzzling his neck. He tenderly stroked her hair and kissed her gently on the cheek. "I love you, Amber..."

"Correct!! YAY!! Alright, now, what country should we go destroy first? Wait... where did that little tramp that tried to steal you from me live?" Something flickered in Lucian's eyes, but then they went blank again. "Grado."

"GREAT!! That's where the carnage will start, then!! OFF WE GO, LUCY-CHAN!!"

And, with Lucian transformed into a gigantic black dragon and Amber a twilight-colored one, the two Dracanians headed for Grado...

-Village-

"...Actually, mercenary duos of fighters and healers are quite effective...MMMRPH! GERROFF!" And so, several hours later, the mermaid was removed and Soren departed. However, Flisk and Raphael the mage and/or healer tagged along with Matthias to... somewhere.

And so did the masked yaoi maker.

"Heehee... Raphael's so cute and innocent! He needs a big, strong MANLY-MAN like Matthias to protect and love him... heehee..."


End file.
